You are broke. Maybe you are in college, building a startup tech firm or just down on your luck. Whatever. But you want to eat healthy. Here’s how to do it.
1. Walk casually through a busy restaurant. Grab uneaten food off plates that have not been cleared yet. Either eat on-the-fly, or stuff your booty in your backpack for later.
2. Get a job in an Easter Egg factory. Bite off the ears of every 200th bunny. Keep this up until you get fired.
3. Go to every Catholic mass offered on Sunday.
Go through the line to get communion 3 or 4 times each mass.
4. Plant a community garden along the steps going up to your town’s water tower. When asked by the police what you are doing, tell them it a public work project.
5. Go the the grocery store.
Cut up a watermelon, set up a table and start giving away samples. Eat one sample for every 10 you give away.
6. Get to the nearest Italian restaurant and roam the tables singing opera love songs. When you drive away business, the chef will come out to have you tossed out. Slip into the kitchen and eat some Farfalla with Fetta Cheese before the cops get there.
7. Become a comedian and tell really, really bad jokes.
When the audience begins to throw tomatoes, open your mouth and catch what you can.
8. Convince your date to cook dinner for the two of you at her place. When she goes to the bathroom, sneak into the kitchen and stuff your pockets with leftovers and canned vegetables.
9. Pretend you are a star chef and interview for local chef positions.
Take on a superior air. Demand to see the kitchen “to see if they qualify to interview you.” Stuff your chef hat with meat, cheese and spices.
10. Start a cooking show — the gimmick is you only use items brought in by the studio audience. Drop the leftover ingredients in your pants.
11. Pretend to be a food reviewer for the New York Times to get free meals. You’ll need an obscure name. Choose from the following:
- Torre Oatey
- Melampus Beuzeville
- Benat Demers
It’s tough to be broke, but you can make it work.