How Many Passes?
How many passes does the white team make?
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Month: March 2008
Security Guard Messes Up Story
Late Friday security guard Leon Wellell began to tell his co-worker Randy Stiller about his days as a retail salesperson. Only minutes later his story got lost on a critical detail- the name of some Microsoft software.
The story started well enough: “I used to sell high end audio, you know, home entertainment and all that. Then computers came in big so I switched to that,” Wellell began.
“What year was that?” asked Stiller.
At this point Wellell’s narrative started to stutter.
“Well, it was the year Microsoft came out with that one software that was so popular.”
“Windows?”
“No.”
“Excel?”
“No.”
“Word?”
“No.”
“Powerpoint?”
“No.”
“What was it?”
“I don’t know.”
The two guards looked at each other for a moment and then returned to their paperwork.
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Wahoo’s Fish Taco Employee Asks If Everything is Alright
“Is everything alright?” Culver City resident Barry Kirko was asked seconds after being served his Banzai Bowl with Chicken and Black Beans. Kirko had yet to put a forkful of the delicious meal in his mouth. “Great!” he said, resting his hand on the table top.
Leaning his head back for a sip of his Sobe Green Tea, another cheerful employee asked Kirko, “Is everything alright?” Kirko spilled a little of the elixir as he said “Yes. Very good.”
Kirko had killed off three forkfuls of rice and beans when a manager approached. “Is everything alright?”, he asked in an upbeat tone. “Yes, sir!” Kirko intoned as he made a mock salute.
Four hours later Kirko headed for the door. “Was everything alright?” the night crew called after him. Kirko waved as the door swung shut behind him.
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Local Dancer Pays for College With Tip Money
Candy Carson, a dancer at Jet Strip and Girls, Girls, Girls paid for her tuition today with single dollar bills she earned on the job.
“I’m working my way through school,” Candy told reporters gathered at the cashier’s office at Pomono State University. She said she is in her third year of the American Literature program and hopes to be a teacher.
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Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store
Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”
“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.
The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.
“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”
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Real Men Play Blades
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“Real men play blades”, said John Carling, Sr. as he hit balls at the Studio City Golf Range last week. “All these ‘game improvement’ clubs, hybrids, perimeter-weighting, cavity backs, all of ’em are crap. It’s just the golf industry coming up with new ways to make money. And most people fall for it. Hook, line and sinker!”
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Facebook Buys World’s 15-22 Year Olds
To capitalize on it’s popularity among high school and college students, Facebook has purchased the rights to the lives of all 15-22 year olds worldwide. The company will have full rights including dictating who they vote for and who gets access to jobs and other opportunities.
“This is a great thing for the entire age group,” said Tyler Runyon, Facebook VP for Coolness. “Up to now we’ve only been able to get our users to rate each other’s “hotness” or to make crazy comments on each other’s pictures. By owning the kids outright we’ll be able to offer many more features to them.”
Brian Ostermyn, a sophomore at SUNY Albany said he supports the move. “Heck, if it helps me get into a good MBA program, I’m all in.”
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Dual Golf Club Heads to Market
Knockin’ Down Flags golf club company made history today with the introduction of the first double blade golf club- the Dual. “The idea is that, if you miss the ball with the first blade, the second blade will make contact- it’s a first,” crowed Director of Product Development Jimbo Kent as he demonstrated the product to retail buyers today at the World Golf Expo show in Dubai. “The Dual will revolutionize the game”.
“We were inspired by the multiple blades in an average everyday razor. We feel like our dual-blade club will help the average golfer, beginning golfers and inebriated golfers,” Mr. Kent said.
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Man Arrested While Walking in Los Angeles
Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.
“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”
“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”
Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.
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