Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Month: July 2011

JokesUncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Life and Living Joke: The Bagpiper Gets Lost

A bagpiper was asked by the head of a funeral home to play at the side of a grave for a homeless fellow. He had no family, no friends, so the service was to be at a "pauper's cemetery" in the Ohio back country. As the bagpiper did not know the backwoods, he got lost.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the pastor had apparently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. The bagpiper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the edge of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he began to play beautiful, melancholy music. The workers put down their lunches and began to stand near him, their heads hanging in reverence. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

In fact, he played like he'd never played before for this homeless man, and as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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Death and Dying
Joe Ditzel

Joke: The Bagpiper Gets Lost

A bagpiper was asked by the head of a funeral home to play at the side of a grave for a homeless fellow. He had no family, no friends, so the service was to be at a "pauper's cemetery" in the Ohio back country. As the bagpiper did not know the backwoods, he got lost.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the pastor had apparently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. The bagpiper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the edge of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he began to play beautiful, melancholy music. The workers put down their lunches and began to stand near him, their heads hanging in reverence. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

In fact, he played like he'd never played before for this homeless man, and as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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Quote
Joe Ditzel

TV Quote- Jack Handy- The Coach

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

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Health
Joe Ditzel

How To Remove Skin and Lose Weight at the Same Time

From:

Joe Ditzel
Hollywoodland
Saturday, 1047am

 

One benefit to being unlucky in love is that it lets me indulge my workaholism. I hear you, Tycoon. You think I'm probably unlucky in love because of my workaholism. You might have a point, there.

The problem with working every minute of every day for months on end is it is easy to get fat. Recently I gained back 15 pounds it took me 18 months to lose. Why does it take 18 months to lose 15 pounds but you can gain it back in 2 months?

So, I sliced some time out from my empire building to start running again. I like to run at night where people are. There are attractive women in Los Angeles and it helps pass the time during the incredible monotony of running.

Last night I was feeling good, running past restaurants and nightclubs as I remembered what a social life was like. Several blocks later, the din of the nightlife receded behind me and the sidewalks became dark again.

I noticed a couple coming toward me and I remember thinking that they looked famous for some reason. It's not a stretch. There are so many famous people in LA sometimes you see someone and think they look like somebody well known.

They were still a half-block away when I caught my foot on a chunk of the sidewalk that was sticking out. Then, I'm not sure how, my other foot caught the same chunk. Sometimes you can catch yourself when you stumble but not this time–both feet were clipped. Or you can try your best to stumble-roll forward. Not this time. I was going straight down.

I stuck out my hands. I hit the ground with my hands and knees all at the same time. Sadly, the sidewalk was made up of little pebbles which did a great job of acting like a cheese grater on my skin.

It happened so fast I remember at first being shocked- WTH just happened?

Then, I put my bloody hands on the sidewalk and pushed myself to my feet and kept running.

The thing is, Tycoon, the first you thing you learn in tackle football or ice hockey at 5 years old is that if someone knocks you down, you get back up right away.

Having three brothers also teaches this one to you quickly. It doesn't matter if your brother knocks you down with a hammer, if you can get up, you do it. Fortunately, my brothers never hit me with a hammer. Two hatchets and a screwdriver, yes.

So now I am running again, blood dripping from my hand and both knees. I know the couple has watched the whole thing.

I could just look down and run past but I look at her and say, "That one hurt!"

She has a look of horror and pity on her face.

I hear the guy say, "Are you all right?"

But I'm too far past them to answer. I'm sure he only said that to look sympathetic in front of his girlfriend. Inside he was cracking up. I would be. It was spectacular.

As I ran, a flap of skin on my palm was flapping in the night air as blood dripped on the pavement every other step. It's funny how it didn't feel that bad at first. That would come the next day.

Once I was home I cleaned it up as best I could. It almost hurt as much to clean out the cuts than it did to get them. I peeled off the skin that was just hanging on and bandaged it all up.

The weird thing, Tycoon, was I kept running for 45 minutes after I fell. People gave me funny looks as I ran past, scraped up everywhere with blood dripping off. Then they quickened their step and shielded the kids.

Tourists.

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