Be honest. You are jealous of super fit people. You know, the kind of person you see strutting around the gym with 2 percent body fat and an air of superiority.
Don’t worry. Super fit people have regular habits you can start using to become one of them, and start looking down with disdain at others.
1. Wake up at 330am, eat a healthy breakfast of pressurized oxygen, lentils and high-protein bugs.
2. Jog for 67 minutes to warm up, then run at high-speed for 3 hours.
3. Break for lunch to watch DVDs of vintage exercise equipment commercials.
4. Spend afternoon leaping from roof to roof of downtown buildings.
5. Eat dinner of 4 slices of smugness and 3 portions of lack of empathy.
6. Post workout photos to Facebook and Instagram.
7. 3 hours of movement and balance training consisting of running along the tops of high-speed trains.