We are only halfway through 2015, yet tech companies across Silicon Valley are announcing some exciting new products they say will debut by the end of this year.
The Apple iTire
ITire is a new Apple product that adds Internet functionality to your car tires. Rather than just spinning around in circles the entire time you’re traveling, iTires use that energy to scan your body and determine how long you have to live based on your physical condition.
Hewlett-Packard is splitting their company into two divisions. Twinsies is a new line of computers, accessories and peripherals that features two versions of the exact same product, but with each twin emblazoned with the logo of one of the new Hewlett-Packard split divisions. Asked why this product strategy makes any sense, one HP official said, “It makes no sense at all, we just thought it was cute.”
New Version of Android Operating System
Android Plus, the new version of the android operating system will be released in October of this year by Google. It is a combination of the previous Android platform combined with Google+, the less than successful social media platform established by the search giant years ago. Asked why they combined the two entities, a company spokesman explained that Google+ has killed everything it has touched, and they are using that quality to slowly kill the dated Android operating system.
Samsung Galaxy Obese
Samsung is releasing a new giant version of their Galaxy line, called the Samsung galaxy Obese. While some smart phones have grown over the years to unprecedented size, the Obese rules them all. At 3 feet long, it resembles a home television screen more than it does a smart phone.
New users will have the option of ordering a strap that attaches to the corners of the device, enabling easier transport. They can also use the same strap to drag the Obese up hills after they slide down the snow on their phone in winter.
New OnePlus Model
The OnePlus One was exceptionally popular smart phone due to its low price. The new model, called the OnePlus One Minus One is even cheaper. Costing 25 cents, the company expects them to be very popular with college students who tend to leave their phones at local watering holes after hours sitting at the bar watching their football team lose to Ohio State.
Samsung Extreme Curved Screen
Samsung is rumored to be releasing a new smartphone with an extremely curved screen. While there have been other curved screen smart phones in the past, Samsung is taking it to a new level.
The new model will curve so much, users will be able to use them to stamp out Christmas cookies in the shape of crescent moons.
Company officials pointed out that functionality will be reduced due to the difficulty in accessing the applications on the screen. On the other hand, the phone presents a perfect windscreen for motorcyclists who like to smoke cigarettes while riding at high speeds.
New Windows Version
As of this writing, Windows 10 has yet to debut in the marketplace. Nonetheless, Microsoft has committed to a full release date for the next Windows generation. Called Windows 21, it features a unique application of virtual reality.
Rather than introduce users to fantastic worlds in the virtual realm, Windows 21 does the opposite. It gives users a bleaker picture of their current reality.
“The idea is that by presenting a grim reality to our users, their real life will seem better in comparison,” said the Microsoft lead developer on the Grim Reality project. “It’s an application we developed after losing market share in most of our primary industry segments. We learned the grim reality of losing our innovative spark, hence the idea for this cutting-edge application.”