The New England Patriots play the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX today. Controversy has surrounded the New England Patriots since a past cheating scandal and the more recent hubbub over under-inflated balls.
Now the football world is abuzz again because several secret plays from coach Bill Belichick’s playbook have been leaked. Despite the game beginning in several hours, the league has undertaken a full investigation.
Their authenticity has not been confirmed, but for the purposes of providing information to the public on a topical news event, here are the secret plays.
The Bobby Orr Give and Go
The quarterback changes into a Bruins jersey in the huddle, channels the defensive-offensive zen of hockey Bobby Orr, and sprints for the end-zone as if clearing the puck out of the Bruins end.
The Panelled Basement
The quarterback, halfbacks and fullback create a screen and act is if they are carrying panels used to finish a basement pool room.
The Pizza Delivery
Here the quarterback quickly deflates the ball and places it in a pizza box. The box is stuffed under the shirt of the full back as he breaks left.
The Late for the Team Meeting
In this play, the entire team runs into the same open space between the left tackle and tight end, creating a warp in the time space continuum.
The quarterback keeps the ball, but instead of running into the line, he tapes a paint-bomb to the ball and lobs it into the defensive backs.
The Southie Jaw Breaker
As a nod to the tough Southie neighborhood, this play features the fullback talking smack before fist-fighting the entire defensive squad while yelling, “How do you like them b’daydas?”
Dented 73 Chevy With A Broken Antenna and Busted Tail Light
Boston’s roads were created in the 1700s. There means there is no room for modern traffic. To get anywhere, you need an old Chevy that tells people you will do what you have to do to get to a Pats home game on time. This play is the football equivalent.
55 is Dangerous
This play is based on winter driving in Boston, where they drive 85 on the ice. If you are going 55, you are endangering the rest of the drivers.
Big Dig Convolution
Based on the Big Dig freeway construction project, this play creates such a horrendous torrent of confusion and obfuscation, defenses have no hope. The downside is the Patriots often get confused with this play as well.