9 Signs You’ve Lived In San Francisco Too Long

Have you lived in San Francisco too long? You were only going to live there long enough to finish grad school. Then you got a job In your field near your apartment. Now you love the city and can’t imagine leaving. But has it been too long?

You Get Ridiculed By New Yorkers Who Can’t Believe The Town Shuts Down So Early

What is this, Walnut Creek? Your friends from New York love San Francisco, and love to abuse you because everything shut s down at 2am. Hell, even LA has after parties that rage until morning. And EVERYbody hates LA.

You Know the Bart Schedule By Heart

You know which lines match up perfectly so you don’t have to waste a second. You know which cars are the least crowded—that way there is less chance a street dancer will use the floor next to you to work on their next public performance. You know how the fog affects train track expansion and contraction, and how that slows up or speeds up the trains. You use this knowledge to adjust your arrival so you can listen to a few more minutes of the Giants game in the car.

You Don’t Care About Petty Crimes

People jump on bus without paying. Street fights break out every 2 blocks. That gentleman is signing his name to the trolley car with turquoise spray paint. Should you call it in to the police? Yeah, right, and break your Wi-Fi connection when you are getting great reception? No way.

You Are Completely Oblivious to Naked People Walking Around Town

Those same New Yorkers will snicker and elbow you, pointing out the trio of naked old guys that just crossed Van Ness wearing nothing but Pink berets and drug-induced smiles. You had to look twice because you see 10 naked people every day in San Francisco. Before noon.

You’ve Seen The Movie “The Rock” But You’ve Never Been To Alcatraz

Like people in New York who have never been to the Statue of Liberty, or people in Canton Ohio who have never been to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, you have never set foot on Alcatraz. It sounds like an interesting tour, and you have a vague notion to get out there someday, but that day will never come.

You Are Over 40 But Have a Roommate

You have a roommate because your rent is $8,000 a month for a studio. You thought about toughing it out by yourself, but it would mean giving up drinking, warm clothes, lights, Netflix and German Chocolate Cake. You can probably get by without Netflix, but German Chocolate Cake is non-negotiable.

You Make Weak Promises to Support Your Coworkers’ Creative Efforts

Five separate people in your office have invited you to their art gallery opening, open mike comedy show, improve sketch show, code camp or wine tasting night in North Beach. Despite your desire to support your the Arts, wine tasting always wins.

You Went Golfing At The Presidio in June

You wore a parka, ski mask, down-filled mittens, mukluks, earmuffs, long underwear, and two pairs of wool socks.

Friends From The Midwest Ask your Advice About the Best Wineries to Visit in Napa and You Have No Clue

You went to Napa once when you first arrived in the City years ago, but you were blind drunk and don’t remember a thing. You might as well have been in Vegas for all you know.

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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