About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

How to Give a Rousing Speech Like Oprah at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards

Powerful public speakers walk among us like gods, getting people to follow them with their ability to move a crowd. Oprah did just that at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards. Here is what you can learn from her skill to enhance your public speaking.

Give Away Cars

Just as she did on her TV show, Oprah gave away cars to the Golden Globes audience. Years ago, she awarded each audience member a mew Pontiac G6. This time, she gifted each audience member a Lamborghini Veneno, a car worth $4.5 million dollars. A few well-heeled Hollywood types realized they already had this car and selflessly donated their Oprah gift to lucky fans waiting outside the hall.

Use Emotion

In her speech, Oprah said over and over, “Fresh, warm doughnuts are everything right in the world!” She repeats emotional truths to drive her point home. Obviously, this pulls on our heart strings because there isn’t a person alive that doesn’t like fresh, warm doughnuts. Use this technique liberally in your speeches.

Rousing Finish

Good speakers understand speech dynamics — the art of varying the pace and pitch of speech to sustain interest. Oprah slowly increased her cadence over the entire speech, ending in a rounding crescendo of inspiration, motivation and dehydration. The audience leapt to their feet, raised Oprah above their heads and carried her triumphantly down the street to the Beverly Hills Lamborghini dealership where she handed out free oil change coupons.

Folks, Oprah is a one-of-a-kind personality, the kind of talent we only see once in a generation. You may not be Oprah, but you can borrow her public speaking techniques to help accelerate your goals and accomplishments.

Woah, Woah, Sir! That’s Not My Stuff!

“Can I have three pounds of bacon?” an elderly man asked the cashier, as if the checkout lane was a restaurant and she was taking orders for his table.

“Sir, you’ll have to go back and get it. I can’t leave my station,” she said.

He moved slowly around the cash registers in pursuit of the missing meat.

“I paused his sale. Let me ring you up since you only have a few items,” she nodded to me.

Sweet.

I ambled around the man’s cart as she rung up my granola bars, bananas, packs of gum and some other stuff.

“Thanks,” I smiled as I met her gaze. A bag man put some of my items in a bag and put them in the older man’s cart which was still positioned at the end of the checkout counter.

“Woah, woah.”

He didn’t hear. Working quickly and efficiently, he placed the rest of my stuff in another bag and put it in the man’s cart. He pushed the cart toward me helpfully.

“Woah, that’s not my stuff,” I said.

Confused, he took all the bags out of the car and placed them on the counter.

“I mean, some of it is my stuff,” I said, investigating each bag.

“Sir, is that your cart of groceries?” a beefy security guard asked, the old man shuffling up behind him.

“He’s trying to take my food,” the old man yelled in a strained voice.

“Well, two of the bags are mine.” I said.

“Then why are you taking this man’s groceries? He’s on disability.”

“I didn’t. The bag guy was mistaken…”

“What bag guy?” the guard asked. The bag man has mysteriously disappeared.

Eventually, I was told not to come back to that store or I would be arrested.

On the way out, I saw the bag man out of the corner of my eye at the other end of the store. He held up some bananas, smiling.

 

This is the Year I Lose Weight and Other Fantasies

After yo-yoing from 180 pounds to 237 pounds and points between for several years, I’ve resolved to make 2018 the year I finally get back to a healthy weight.

Hahahahahaha. Ahem.

Every year the most popular resolution is to lose weight, making up a third of all New Year’s resolutions. Yet chances are good my weight loss resolution will fail soon. Just over 20 percent of resolutions fail within a week, 40 percent after 30 days, and 50 percent after 90 days.

Still, I’m going to give it my best shot. Here are three ways I’m going to fight to lose weight this year.

Bury Food in the Forest

The problem with our society is food is too readily available. By burying all my food in the forest, I’ll think twice before going to get a snack. Gee, I’d like to eat some potato chips during the football game, but it will take me 20 minutes to hike outside, half an hour to dig up the food, and another 20 to hike back, and I’ll still forget the dip.

Junk Food Everywhere

Trying to eat healthy food that can help you lose weight is hard because healthy food is scarce while junk food is everywhere. To combat this problem for 2018, I’m considering only eating fresh bananas I can carry on my head under my golf hat.

Ex-Girlfriend Photo Hat Extension

Losing weight is easier when you add revenge to your motivation. Several of my exes left me because I was “too fat.” I built an extension ring I wear on my head that allows me to see their photos all day. Every time I’m about to eat a bag of chips, I see their condescending faces. So far it seems to work, although I noticed something weird: Many girls I date look a lot like my mom. Should I be concerned?

Lady Tells Me to Go %[email protected]^% Myself

The lady’s kids appeared out of the mist, bearing armfuls of products gathered from the far reaches of the vast big box store. They threw their bounty into her shopping cart sitting in front of me in the checkout lane, the pile growing ever larger, before venturing off for another load.

“Excuse me!” I said brightly. She looked up from the mound of clothing, shampoo and fidget spinners.

“Hi, I picked this line after carefully evaluating the contents of each cart in each line, estimating this line to have the shortest wait between me and my car. Your kids are throwing off my calculations.”

“Really?” she smiled. “Well, gee, why don’t you go $%^&$#$*% yourself? How do you calculate that?”

3 More Fun Facts About New Year’s Day

First New Year’s Day

Did you know the first New Year’s Day was celebrated on January 1, 45 B.C., the first day of the new Julian calendar? Julius Caesar walked around saying, “What a New Year’s Ever party! I am SO hungover.”

One of his friends said, “Big J, ummmmm, we didn’t have a New Year’s Eve party last night. This is the first year of the new calendar.”

“OK, so why am I so hungover?”

“It’s Rome, Big J, we celebrate every night.”

Janus Joplin

In Rome, New Year’s Day was dedicated to the god of new beginnings, Janus. Janus is often shown as having two faces, one face looking back to the past, the other to the future.

You could depict your “best friend” the same way, you know, the one you told a super-duper secret and they promised not to tell anyone. Later you found out they told your sister and she let it out over Snapchat. You confronted your “BFF” and she denied it, of course. I suggest you learn about Adrestia, the Norse god of revenge. Make things right — we never saw nuthin’.

Naming and Circumcision

New Year’s Day is also the day of the Feast of the Naming and Circumcision of Jesus in the Christian church. I also mark several days of the year to celebrate past surgeries and medical challenges. This year I’ll celebrate the Feast of the Broken Femur, the Feast of the Portal Vein Blood Clot and the Celebration of the Migraines Brought On by Leaving a Putt Two Feet Short.

3 More Fun Facts About New Year’s Eve

Eat Your Salad

One New Year’s tradition says the more leafy greens you eat, the more successful you will be. The year Facebook went public, Mark Zuckerberg ate 37 salads on New Year’s Day.

One Million People

One million people will converge on Times Square . Only 500,000 will be there for the ball drop. The other 500,000 think the Knicks are about to win a game.

Baby New Year

Baby New Year is the iconic baby in a top hat who most symbolizes the new year. Baby New Year is also a prolific rapper, best known fof the hits “Auld Lang Gang Syne” and “New Year, New Deals on Big Screen TVs.”

3 Fun Facts About Boxing Day

When I lived in Canada, we observed Boxing Day the day after Christmas. It wasn’t a day for my brothers and I to beat each other up — that was every other day.

No, Boxing Day is a real holiday in the UK, Canada and several other countries.

It Goes Back to Medieval Times

Some experts trace Boxing Day all the way back to medieval times. The “box” part refers to wealthy people giving boxes of gifts to their servant staff the day after Christmas.

Gee, thanks. That’s like letting them watch the Kentucky Derby the next day after everyone has left and the race is over.

Boxing Day Sales Used to be a Thing

Back in the day, we loved Boxing Day because it signaled big savings at post-Christmas sales. Some families even celebrated Christmas by exchanging gifts in the days between Christmas and New Year’s Ever just to save lots of money.

Now, the sales are so good before Christmas, Boxing Day sales are passé.

Which is good. Who wants to celebrate a birthday 5 days later?

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
This gift was on sale
So I bought one for me, too

No Boxing, Fighting or Roundhouse Kicking

I know, I know. Why call it Boxing Day if you aren’t going to throw a few punches?

Sorry, not allowed.

Save up that aggression for next Christmas season. You’ll need it to fight other shoppers on Black Friday to get that 64-inch TV for $100. Especially when you have to gang-tackle a grandma who nabbed the last one.

3 Questions About Christmas Answered

People ask me all the time about Christmas and what really happened. Here are three answers to things they often want to know.

What is Myrrh?

Myrrh is a natural resin or gum. In those days it was used as incense or perfume. These days it is packaged as a sugar-free, breath-cleaning Doublemint gum and is available in major grocery stores, convenient stores and gas stations.

What is Frankincense?

Like myrhh, frankincense is a resin used in perfumes and incense. In biblical times, many people valued it more than gold and silver. It is also a deodorant specifically made for Frankstein monsters. It stops sweat, and helps them dance better to techno music.

Why did the Wise Men not return to Herod after visiting Jesus?

The original story was they were warned in a dream not to go back to Herod. The truth is their Google Maps app directed them to a busy Los Angeles boulevard where they were told to turn left during rush hour at an intersection without a traffic light. They sat there for five days waiting for a gap in traffic and eventually turned right and headed home.

Catfished On Tinder

I looked over the woman’s photos on Tinder. Really good.

In this age of staged Instagram photos, it is inevitable that people on Tinder, intent on making a good first impression, would go to great lengths to make their pictures shine.

But there photos were TOO good. Pro level. So good I figured they were stolen.

Who is behind this Tinder name, gorgeous model and beautiful photos?

A little search with Google Images told the tale.

Russia. Why are they always from Russia?

I’m getting catfished on Tinder. Again.

Do svidaniya.

 

It’s the McDonald’s Next to the Arco

“Hi, this is your driver. You put the pin on the map in the middle of the freeway. Where exactly are you?”

“Oh, it’s for my cousin. Let me call him….He says he’s at the Arco.”

“What Arco? I have no idea where he is. There are 100 Arcos in this neighborhood.”

“Hold on…he says he is in the Arco next to the McDonald’s.”

“Still doesn’t help. I could drive for 10 years and still not find an Arco next to a McDonald’s.”

“Why, you don’t know your own city?”

“I assume your are kidding. Get I just get an address or cross streets?”

“No, he doesn’t know.”

“OK, I’m sorry, I have to cancel.”

“OK.”