5 Things You Peak At After Age 50

Some people think their 50th birthday is the beginning of the end. Not so. In fact, here are five things you peak at after turning 50.

Complain

Maybe you were a pretty good complainer in your 20s, 30s and 40s. Wait until you get into your 50s. You’ll complain that it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too damp; you are bored, hurried, tired, exhausted, sick; everyone else is crazy, batty, dumb or an idiot.

Grab Lower Back

The back goes in your 50s. Bending down to get that spoon out of the garbage disposal? Reaching to tie your shoes? There goes the back. Better grab it with both hands, elbows out, tense your face up and look up at the sky.

Spy on the Neighbors

Remember when you could care less what the neighbors do? Hey, if they want to play naked Twister and smoke old playing cards, who are you to say no. Once you turn 50, you will spend most of your day standing to the side of the window where they can’t see you. From here, you have a great view of their whole house and yard. What are they up to over there?

Hassle Your Children

Sure, they are grown, married and have kids of their own now. But you know deep down they can’t get by in life without your expert and loving guidance and support. Make sure to call five times day.

Drive Slow

Why doesn’t anybody drive in this lane over on the left? Since they won’t, you’ll move over there, slow down and stay there. Now this is living.

I Can’t Find My Keys

Set down my keys down the other day
Went out to the car to get away
Couldn’t unlock the car door
Went back in cursed and swore

I can’t find my keys
I can’t find my keys
Where the hell are my damn keys
I can’t find my keys

Looked all over the house
The whole time I just groused
Where is the damn key ring?
Oh what pain it does bring

I can’t find my keys
I can’t find my keys
Where the hell are my damn keys
I can’t find my keys

Finally spied them on the desk
I don’t remember why, I must confess
This is what I’m going to do
Attach them to my body with super glue

I can’t find my keys
I can’t find my keys
Where the hell are my damn keys
I can’t find my keys

© 2016 Joe Ditzel and Ditzelize Music

Man Can’t Remember Famous Movie Star’s Name

“He was in that one picture about those guys who robbed the thing,” an area man said to his family as they watched Netflix, trying to remember the name of a very famous celebrity.

“No, that’s not it,” he said several times as family members tossed out possible names. “Don’t you remember? He was in the one movie with other big star, when they did that other thing.”

Family members gave up and turned their attention back to the movie on the screen.

The next morning while eating his cereal, the man said, “Denzel Washington! I knew it!”

9 Signs You Are Getting Older Than You Thought

Time flies. Before you know it, you are an oldster. But it’s hard to tell until you see something from your past – a marker of your younger self. For example, do you remember these items from your youth?

14757024486_e0eb06b9c3_o----1920-internet archive book images-giant land tortoise-via fc

Remember this giant land tortoise as a kid? He can get up to 300 years old.

 

3348871235_a330035854_o----1894-the field museum-via fc-dinoaurs

These guys were still walking around when you were in junior high!

 

11302222053_a4bc4d46da_b----1885-diprotodon-dinosaur-the british library-via fc

This guy was only up to your knee!

 

11303507526_e746a139e1_b----1885-the british library-via fc-dinosaur-triceratops

Triceratops? Wow, the years have flown!

 

14586776298_39fa66ed00_z----1913-soapstone pot-internet archive book images-via fc

Ancient soapstone pot? Didn’t you mom use this one?

 

14586780188_ce0e4ece8d_b----1913-ancient bone fishhooks-internet archive book images-via fc

Ancient fishhooks made of bone! You made these in shop class!

 

14595577748_c9521d6582_o----1882-artifact found in ancient canoe in scotland-internet archive book images-via fc

This guy is hundreds of years old. Who looks better – you or him?

 

4359357489_d3abe7789c_b----cornell university library-signing of declaration of independence-via fc

Remember the racket these guys caused? You were only 10! Hey, quiet down, guys!

 

3253744672_9e4d551f71_o----1846-loc-via fc-abraham lincoln

Your friends used to say, “Lincoln is OUR president!” How long ago was that!

 

Aging Joke: Ladies In Waiting

Two elderly ladies had been friends since they were kids. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a month to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, “You know, we’ve been friends forever, and please don’t get mad, but I can’t remember your name. What is it, again?”

Her friend glared at her. She continued to stare for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”