Crazy People: Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy

Dear Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy:

Thank you for revving your engine at 5am for 20 minutes outside my window. The exhaust cloud filled my place.

Sir, you don’t need to warm up your engine for more than a few seconds. It is 55 degrees at night in LA in the winter. This isn’t Canada. Thank you.

-Sleepless in Gas Fumes

Crazy Drivers: Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal sees every rush hour as a battle to the death, even if it takes them two hours to get home no matter what.

Today we were inching along…stop, go, stop, go…in rush hour traffic at 505pm on Wilshire Boulevard in LA. I stopped momentarily to let a car turn left in front of us.

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal in the car behind me leaned on the horn.

Really? That makes you mad? A car turning for one second is holding you up? Where are you going to go?

After the car turned left, we moved up…one space.

I’d Like to Donate My Car

“Yes, I’d like to donate my old car to your organization.”

“Great, what kind is it.”

“It’s a 2002 Toyota Sienna.”

“OK, how many miles.”

“235,000.”

“Ooh.”

“Ooh? What do you mean, ooh?”

“Well, that’s a lot. Does it run.”

“Yes. After you jump it and let it warm up for an hour or so. And take it on a spin around Los Angeles County to juice up the battery.”

“Spin? How far?”

“75 miles should do it. Just don’t take it on any steep hills. And avoid jarring roads. I think it needs a new front axle, suspension, tie rods and shocks.”

“OK, I’m going to have to deny this donation. Sorry. It’s too dangerous for our staff.”

3 Crazy Drivers on the Highway

The highway is made to get you from one place to another hassle-free without the slowdown of traffic lights, garbage trucks, and slow, slow, slow city buses. For the most part, it works. Except there is a special breed of crazy person on the highway you’ll find nowhere else.

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy rolls up on your bumper because he is in a HUGE hurry. To avoid him driving through your rear window, you move over. He zooms past, only to realize he is missing his exit, cuts back across IN FRONT of you, nearly wrecking both your cars.

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off turns on her turn signal to exit the freeway. Except she’s not sure where the exit is. So, she turns the signal on, changes her mind when no exit shows up for a mile, turns it off, and so on. This goes on for ten miles.

Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver

The carpool lane, sometimes called an HOV lane, is set aside for people with two or more passengers. Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver takes that as an invitation to slow down to 10 miles-per-hour below he speed limit, backing up cars in the lane for 45 miles.

Misfire in Cylinder 5

I looked at the scanner error code: Misfire in Cylinder 5. Great. The Beater with a Heater is a V-6, and one of the six cylinders was acting up.

I decided to talk to him.

“Hey, Cylinder 5, what’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re misfiring, messing up the whole engine.”

“Woah, slow down. I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now, but I’m not messing up the whole engine.”

“You aren’t? I’m getting less acceleration off the line and sluggish top end.”

“Ooooh, ‘less acceleration off the line,’ oooh. What, you are Richard Petty, now? It’s a minivan! With dents in it I might add.”

“Listen, you aren’t pulling your weight.”

“Think of it this way. You have six cylinders. I’m just one. You have five others ready to take up the slack. If we worked for a city or state road crew, you’d have one guy doing the work and five others watching. So already you are ahead.”

3 Ways to Fix Your Car’s Loose 12-Volt Power Outlet

Ever plug in an accessory to your car’s 12-volt power outlet and it won’t stay put? The vibration of your car on the road doesn’t help as it shakes it loose. Secure that baby with these 3 tips.

Wrap your accessory plugs in baloney before insertion to ensure a tight fit.

Wedge a golf tee with a grape on the end of it alongside the accessory plug and jam it in there.

Make a sleeve of old math tests from your school days. Place the sleeve in the socket and then jam the accessory in the sleeve. You can do the same thing with that parking ticket you found on your window this morning.

7 Adorable Things to Call Your Junker Car

I recently bought a junker car: a 2002 Toyota Sienna with a rear hatch that is permanently closed due to the dent in the rear right side suffered in one of many accidents it has experienced over the years.

The guy who sold it to me called it a “beater with a heater.” He said, “It’s not pretty, but it will get you there.”

Today I heard someone say their car was “rusty but trusty.”

Here then are 7 adorable things you can call your junker.

A hoopdy that hops.

A hunk of junk with spunk.

A wreck that treks.

A clunker with two bumpers.

A bucket of bolts with just enough volts.

A tin can named LuAnne.

A pile of rust that won’t bust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beat Up and Broken

Riding through LA at night, I stopped at the red light. Out of the shadows, four men came up to my passenger door. All the doors and windows were closed.

One guy looked at my phone in the holder on my dash. Later I surmised they thought I was an Uber driver or something.

“Hey, man, can you give us a ride?”

Even if they thought I was an Uber car, did they think Uber hands out free rides?

“All the doors are broken,” I shrugged as I spoke loud enough to be heard through the shut windows.

He turned to his friends hanging back a half step. “He says the doors are all broken.”

The doors are indeed broken. You can’t open them, or you have to know exactly where to talk to them, like a stubborn mule, to get them to open. It is a true “beater with a heater.”

The biggest guy stepped forward, “Come on, man, give us a RIDE!” more demanding than asking.

Sure, no problem. I always let strangers in high crime areas get in my car late at night. Sounds like the beginning of a very special “Law and Order” episode. At one point one detective says to another, “But why would he let strangers in a high crime area in his car? It just DOESN’T ADD UP.”

“The doors are broken!” I repeated.

“Oh, man! The doors aren’t broken!”

As he says this, he reached out and tried to open the passenger door.

It didn’t open.

It’s broken.

All the doors are broken. Like my heart after every relationship for the last 37 years.

The rear hatch door doesn’t open at all. It’s frozen in place. The same way my face was when Beth broke off our engagement in 1987.

“Yes, they ARE ALL BROKEN!” I repeated for the third time.

“Man, you got ‘em all LOCKED! You just don’t want to give us a RIDE!”

Well, they aren’t locked.

They are broken.

Eerily Quiet

You can hear every vehicle.

Dump trucks: “Grrrrrrrrr.”

Motorcycles: “Vroooooom.”

Even bicycles: “Ring ring.”

You can hear vehicle in LA right before it hits you — but you hear it, so you jump out of the way.

EXCEPT THE TOYOTA PRIUS.

This is the sound you will hear before a Toyota Prius it sneaks up behind you and scares the heck out of you.

“………………………………………..”

The Prius is too quiet. Any sound will help.

How about “A-ooga! A-ooga!”

Or…

“Oo-wee-oo! Oo-wee-oo!”

Anything.

Please, Toyota, this car is way too quiet. It’s making me paranoid.

LA Man Rides Donkey To Beat Clogged Freeways

Courtesy National Library of Wales via Flickr Commons
Courtesy National Library of Wales via Flickr Commons

A Los Angeles man is beating the horrendous traffic by going old school. He rides a donkey between stopped rows of cars to and from work every day.

“Even at a donkey’s leisurely pace, I beat my coworkers to work four out of five times,” said computer programmer Darren Bridev. “The days they beat me it is usually because Marty (the donkey) stops in Beverly Hills to eat some of the flowers.”