Crazy Phones: Mr. I’ll-Never-Own-A-Smartphone

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Mr. I’ll-Never-Own-A-Smartphone doesn’t care if you can Snapchat, Instagram or Vine all day and all night with your phone. He’ll never buy one.

He has the same flip-phone he bought 15 years ago. It’s worked every day ever since, and he only has to charge it every five days for 10 minutes. Stick that up your iPhone.

Crazy Fisherman: Invites-You-On-Every-Fishing-Trip Guy

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Invites-You-On-Every-Fishing-Trip Guy can’t take no for an answer. You went on a fishing trip with him and his dad in seventh grade, and he has invited you on every fishing trip ever since.

It was fun back then, but now this guy doesn’t do anything else. He has no family, friends, or even a dog. He just goes on fishing trips. You don’t know how he finances them, and you don’t want to know.

It sounds like fun, but you know that after two days in a boat with him, hearing every story of every trip he has ever taken to the Alaskan back country, you’ll be ready to jump in the water and drown yourself.

Crazy Cashiers: Hungry Man Dinners and Doughnuts

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“Oh, what do we have here? Hungry Man dinners? Wow, so you really like these, huh? I find they I’m still hungry after I eat these!”

I suddenly realized I had one of those cashiers who likes to comment on all the customer purchases making their way through her checkout lane. I don’t know if they are socially unaware or just bored.

“Doughnuts! I love me some doughnuts, too! You should try the doughnut holes they have on sale back there,” she said. “The trouble with those is before you know it, you’ve had 24 of them!” she laughed, throwing her head back, still dragging items across the scanner. Bleep. Bleep.

“Woah, somebody like their pasta!” she said loudly. Several people in other lines turned around to look. “You know what I do? I cook a big pot of pasta on Sunday, and then add different vegetables every night of the week. You should try it!”

She seemed to be yelling now. I looked at her closely to get a clear picture. Next time I’ll cut my wrists with one of the steak knives on sale before I get in her line again.

Crazy TV Reporters: Posting-on-Social-Media-All-Day Lady

Posting-on-Social-Media-All-Day Lady is the TV reporter who posts extra-chirpy video reports to her Facebook feed promoting the newscast that night. “Hi, guys, we are out here by the pier at the beach. You may have heard of the croughnut, half crossaint and half donut. Well, tonight we find out about the ‘frussaint,’ a crossiant you eat when you feel like you are so frustrated with local traffic you want to drive into the ocean.”

Crazy People In LA: My-Cousin-is-Jon-Hamm-Gal

Some people in LA say they are related to someone famous.

“My cousin is Jon Hamm,” a girl I met at a party told me nonchalantly, flicking her cigarette ash on the grass.

“Your cousin is Jon Hamm?” I repeated.

She backtracked.

“Well, my friend from high school dated a girl whose mother was related to a cousin who lived in a city he drove through on the way to California when he started his career here.”

“Oh.”

Crazy People In LA: Loud Headphones Guy

waves face joe

You might think you are safe from bad music from the person next to you seeing as they are wearing headphones. Usually you’d be right. Loud Headphones Guy has decided that you also need to hear his music. That must be the reason because he is blasting his dumb songs so loud, they can be heard clear as day.

I think he has blasted his headphones so loud for so long, he needs to keep it loud to hear the music at all.

Crazy Golfers

Crazy Golfers

Golf is a game that will make you nuts. Over the years I’ve met all kinds of crazy golfers—so crazy I decided to write them all down. Are you in here somewhere?

I-Can’t-Decide-On-A-Club Guy

I-Can’t-Decide-On-A-Club Guy quickly he pulls the five-iron out of his bag. Looking again at the yardage, he puts back the five-iron and pulls the four-iron.

After a couple of nice practice swings he settles in to his shot…looks at the flag…looks down.

He stands up, walks back to the bag. Might really need a hybrid, he decides. He walks back to the ball with his 3-hybrid.

He checks the wind by throwing grass in the air…settles in…stands up. Maybe it is a five-metal, he thinks. No, it’s definitely the hybrid.

He slashes down at the ball with the hybrid and shoots it over the green into a condo complex.

Mr. Stand-In-the-Tee-Box-Too-Long

Mr. Stand-In-the-Tee-Box-Too-Long has hit his drive, watched it land in the trees, and continues to stand in place, talking to himself about what he did wrong on the shot.

You are standing behind waiting to hit. He is muttering and doing a slow motion replay of his swing to see where it broke down while you cool your heels.

Greenskeeper Guy

Golfers are charged with repairing their ball marks, the indentation the ball makes when it hits the green. Left untouched a ball mark becomes a brown scar. Some golfers are less than attentive to this duty.

Greenskeeper Guy has made it his personal mission in life to right this wrong. He will repair his ball mark and 47 more. As you reach to repair your own mark, suddenly he is there with his special tool, saying “I got it.”

Let-Me-Put-the-Flag-Back Guy

Let-Me-Put-the-Flag-Back Guy insists on putting the flag back on every hole. If you putt out and then pick up the flag to wait for the others to putt he will rush over to you and say, “I got it. Thanks.”

This dude perplexes me. I don’t know if he used to be a caddy, is anal-retentive, or likes to be super-helpful. Sometimes he’ll grab the flag as you are inches away from putting it back yourself. “Don’t worry about it! I got it!” he says as he snatches it away.

Gotta-Find-My-Tee Guy

After hitting his drive, he begins the search for his tee. However, the tee has decided to make itself scarce.

It must be made of gold and silver because Gotta-Find-My-Tee Guy is making ever broader search circles trying to rescue it.

Mr. Rule Book

“Uh, you have to count that stroke,” Mr. Rule Book tells you. “According to the amended USGA rulebook- Section 4, Paragraph 2, you may replace your ball within two club lengths no nearer the hole or a Democrat. Failure to do so is a one stroke penalty.”

Mr. Walk Ahead

He is the first to hit his drive. Rather than wait for everyone to hit, Mr. Walk Ahead is off to the races, walking along the tree line to his ball. Later in the round you will start to hit an approach shot when you notice Mr. Walk Ahead is actually up on the green.

He doesn’t seem to be watching so you yell “Fore!” or “Heads Up!”

He waves impatiently as if to say, “go ahead and hit, I see you.”

So you do just that, wondering why someone in your own foursome is standing on the green when everyone else is 150 yards out.

Mr. Wait-Until-It-Is-My-Turn-To-Putt-to-Fix-Every-Blade-of-Grass-in-My-Line

He’s the last to putt so he has had plenty of time to fix ball marks or stray pebbles in his line. But he waits until it is his turn to putt.

All of a sudden he is walking up and down the line, taking a survey of every blade of grass between his ball and the hole, leaning down to stab the green with his ball mark tool or to sweep the ground with his hand.

This goes on for 20 minutes while you recalculate your quarterly taxes in your head.

Frozen in Time Gal

Frozen in Time Gal has settled in to hit a shot. Soon she will hit the ball.

Any. Time. Now. There she goes. Nope. Still frozen. She’s thinking. About something.

Here she goes. Nope. She still hasn’t moved.

Maybe she died in her golf shoes and her body went into rigor mortis.

Wait. I saw a flicker of life. Now she’s got it! Nope, false alarm. Just a waggle.

My mind is wandering now. I need to pick up milk on the way home.

Mr. Hard on Himself

Mr. Hard on Himself loves to berate himself after every shot. He does this because he thinks that’s how good golfers act.

He may hit a towering three-iron draw to 5 feet of the pin at which point you say, “Nice shot!”

He replies angrily, “Yeah but I left myself a downhill putt!”

“Good-Shot! Nope!” Guy

This is a close cousin to “Good Shot!” Guy. In this case, as soon as you swing he says “Good Shot!” enthusiastically followed immediately by a condescending “Nope!” Occasionally he will vary it by saying “Good Shot! Nope, you didn’t get it!”

Mr. Latest Equipment

This guy has the latest Callaway Big-As-Half-a-Loaf-of-Rye-Bread Bertha. He had the first metal woods on the market. He had the first graphite shafts. He had the first titanium.

He scours golf magazines looking for articles like, “Will the New Kryptonite Shafts Help YOUR Game?” All day he must tell you what equipment you should have, “You should get a Tight Lies. You would have hit a good shot there with a Tight Lies.”

Mr. Golf Joke

Mr. Golf Joke spends the whole round reeling off one joke after another.

His golf joke recall is amazing:

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.

“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

He can go from a long, story type joke to a short one liner faster than a Nick Price swing:

I told my friend I got a set of Callaways for my wife and he said, “Nice Trade.”

At first it is entertaining but by the fifth hole you are ready for his show to be cancelled.

Good Shot Guy

Many golfers will say “Good shot!” during a round. Good Shot Guy says it after every shot made by anyone on the course. They are so eager sometimes they will say it before you actually hit the ball.

Mr. Multi-Bet

Mr. Multi-Bet isn’t happy unless there are 9 bets and games going on at the same time.

“OK, Sam got a Sandie and Ben got a Greenie. Ben was Wolf on that one and also completed the Bingo Bango Bongo. Our side got the Nassau on the back and the 18.

I used up all my Criers and Whiners and missed the putt. Jimbo got two, count ‘em, TWO, Barkies which I’ve never seen. We did a Double Secret Probation Press and you guys countered with the Houston We Have A Problem.

All told, you owe us $457,000.”

Mr. Can’t-Decide-Where-to-Tee-the-Ball

He leans over and tees up his ball. He stands behind the ball to start his pre-shot routine. Not satisfied with the where the ball is teed, he moves it to the other side of the tee-box and begins his routine again. Still not happy, he moves the ball to the middle of the teeing area. You are so happy when he tees off that you don’t see his ball sailing into the lake.

Mr. Instructor

Mr. Instructor offers golf tips without anyone asking for them. He has every golf book, video and gadget and is hell-bent on sharing this knowledge with everyone he comes into contact with (despite his 20 handicap).

Mr. “Did You Watch My Ball?”

A close cousin of Mr. Did You See My Ball?, this guy enlists you as his personal caddy. He’s not asking if you merely saw the shot, he is asking if you did your job and watched his shot every second and can point out exactly what tree he hit. Expect to be caddying all day, as he will do this on every shot.

Gotta-Go Guy

Every time you turn around Gotta-Go Guy is answering the call of nature.

His bladder is smaller than a ball marker.

Mr. Start-a-Story-at-the-Wrong-Time

This guy always starts a new story at the worst time. Your foursome is on the green putting. The group behind had been waiting all day.

As he leans over to putt Mr. Start A Story at The Wrong Time suddenly rises up and says, “I was in this tournament one time. Me and this other guy were tied going into the final hole. This other guy has a short putt to win it. He gets cocky and slaps it in with one hand as he faces the hole. My buddy says that is a two stroke penalty. The guys says no way. My buddy showed him the rulebook right there. He was right. And I won it.”

Looking back you see steam coming out of the waiting foursome.

Exact Yardage Guy

Exact Yardage Guy needs to know the precise yardage at all times.

“Is the pin at the front of the green or the back?”

“What does the yardage on that drain say?”

“Let me check my course guide- it says it is 183 yards from this eucalyptus tree.”

After tearing up some grass and throwing it in the air they say, “Looks like about a half club breeze.” This wouldn’t be so bad if he did it quickly but he evaluates every yard like he is planning a construction site.

Giant-Visor Lady

Giant Visor Lady has a visor that is 43 times bigger than her head. It expands out from her forehead like an awning. I believe the idea is to keep the sun from ever hitting her face. You could keep the sun off half of Wyoming with that visor. Sometimes you get several Giant Visor Ladies in one foursome- when they get to the green they cannot move without cutting each other.

Mr. Talk-Talk

The opposite of Quiet Guy, Mr. Talk-Talk can’t shut up. His signature move: he keeps talking while the other three golfers in the foursome are teeing off– he thinks he is lowering his voice but it in reality he has just brought it down to normal speaking level. Most of the time his buddies are used to it and laugh it off or ignore him. The people putting on the green behind him are not so lucky.

Quiet Guy

You’ll forget he’s even in your group. Quiet guy doesn’t enter into conversation or make any sound at all. That has its benefits. But after three hours of complete silence it starts to get creepy.

 Overbearing Husband Instructor Guy

Overbearing Husband Instructor Guy is out with his wife who is learning the game. Rather than spring for lessons he has named himself her pro. She seems rather quiet the whole time. All is low-key until she misses a putt on the fourth green.

“NO, I said aim HERE!” he yells, pointing at a brown spot surrounded by fifty other brown spots.

Later she chunks a three-wood which skitters 30 yards along the grass. He shoots forward in the cart without her and stomps on the brakes near her ball. As she walks up he yells, “NO! That’s not what I showed you!”

I-Can’t-Remember-Golf-Jokes Guy

Unlike Mr. Golf Joke who remembers thousands of jokes, I-Can’t-Remember-Golf-Jokes Guy starts jokes with aplomb but is soon lost.

“Tiger, Arnie and St. Peter are teeing off. Wait, I mean Tiger, Jack, and God are teeing off…..wait……”

Mr. Real Men Play Blades

Blades are thin, knife-like golf clubs favored by better golfers. M

Mr. Real Men Play Blades looks down with disdain on anybody playing perimeter-weighted game-improvement clubs, which is to say 99% of golfers.

Ben-Hogan-Superfan Guy

Ben Hogan Superfan Guy worships at the Church of Ben Hogan– he has every book, video or filmstrip created by Mr. Hogan. He has a tattered 25-year-old paperback copy of ‘Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf’ in his golf bag which he refers to between each shot.

He is using a set of Ben Hogan blades his dad bought for him in 1968 and he has used ever since. After the round is over he will sit on the golf discussion boards and pontificate about Hogan’s secret and the correct use of pronation.

Mr. Blame the Course

As his game deteriorates over 18 holes he starts blaming the course.

“Don’t they ever mow this rough?”

“What is the stimpmeter on this green? Zero?”

“This course has gone to hell!”

“Is the greenskeeper on medication?”

Mr. “I-Know-Where-Your-Ball-Went”

You shank a 3-iron to the right rough. “I saw it!” he says. “It just went over the cart-path!” Oddly, the ball is not there. It never is where he says it will be.

The false hope he builds up results in disappointment every time.

“Wow! I was sure it would be right there!” he points at the ground.

Except that it’s not.

Mr. “I’ll Find It”

Mr. I’ll Find It spends 20 minutes looking for a lost ball. These thrifty golfers organize a safari with tents and camping gear and push further and further into the underbrush. One of the adventurers cries out, “Eureka, we’ve found it, I see a Titleist at the bottom of that ravine!”

Don’t-Try-To-Be-Tiger-Woods Instructor Guy

This instructor will admonish you “don’t try to be like Tiger Woods. You can’t be like Tiger Woods.”

Later he puts your swing on video and asks you to huddle around the computer monitor. He has split the screen with your lumpy body on the left. On the right he has, that’s right, Tiger Woods.

He proceeds to show you how you can “make your swing more like Tiger Woods.”

Over-The-Top Reaction Guy

Over-The-Top Reaction Guy lines up quietly for a putt. When it misses the hole he runs around the green making loud choking noises while laughing uncontrollably and looking up at the sky with hands outstretched.

The ball has rolled six feet past the hole which leaves him still away. At first, the other golfers wait to see if he is going to return to the game.

Noticing that he is now dancing around the fringe flailing his arms and repeatedly yelling, “That’s insane!,” they decide to putt out without him.

Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody

“I was All-State my junior and senior year in high school,” Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody tells you.

He definitely has skills–you can see it in his swing–but he reminds you every 3 holes.

“I actually beat Tiger Woods once when we were 9-year-olds. I was going to the show- until I broke my thumb senior year at Oklahoma State. Was never the same after that.”

“No Pressure” Guy

All day you will hear a color commentary of your game followed by the catchphrase “No pressure.” Sometimes they are just trying to be funny, other times they are setting up the betting, or at times they are just being a dork.

You line up your putt. He says, “You’ve missed this putt all day but you need to make this one for your par. No pressure.”

You step into a shot. “Looks like you are 150 yards out and you really need a cut shot here but you don’t have that in your bag. No pressure.”

You are in the rough in the trees. “Well you could go over the top but it’s risky but going under the branches is worse. No pressure.”

“I’m Usually Better Than This” Guy

After chunking, chili-dipping and slicing into the trees all day, this golfer announces “I’m usually better than this.”

This is sometimes followed by a medical excuse: “This sprained wrist is killing me.”

Plumb-Bob Guy

Plumb-Bob Guy evaluates a putt from every direction. First they stand behind the ball and plumb-bob their putter as if they are surveying new road construction.

They don’t feel confident until they consult a U.S. Corps of Engineers topographic map they have spread out on a Black and Decker Workmate set up on the green.

Then they take a soil sample to determine moisture content and grass variety. By this time you’ve sat in the fairway so long waiting for them to clear the green you get hungry so you build a fire and roast hot dogs.

Ms. Alignment

Ms. Alignment is very concerned with aligning every molecule of her body before beginning her swing. She stands next to the ball and presses the club across her shoulders as she looks toward the target.

Next she holds the club across her thighs and rechecks the target. Light is slipping away as she holds the club at arm’s length like a weight bar, checking that her feet and toes are aligned. Satisfied, she lashes at the ball and drives it straight into a house.

Mr. Fashion

Mr. Fashion looks like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren golf magazine ad. God forbid it starts to rain. Mr. Fashion forgot to pack a brolly and now his cashmere argyle sweater is starting to look like a wet cat walking home during a storm. I hope those purplish golf shoes are waterproof.

Mr. “Is That My Ball?”

Mr. “Is That My Ball?” will constantly walk up to your ball, which is clearly marked in 7 day-glow markers, and ask “Is that my ball?”

At least 6 times during the round he will stand over your ball ready to hit it until you say, “Uh, were you playing a ball with more graffiti on it than a school in the Bronx? I think that’s my ball you are getting ready to slice into the lake.”

Mr. “Did You See My Ball?”

He can’t see past his nose or he keeps his head down so long he never gets a bead on his shot. Either way he constantly asks if you saw where it went.

“Did You See My Ball?”

“Yes, I saw it hit the church tower and bounce into an open casket at a funeral. Good luck with that.”

Mr. No Putting Touch

Carefully he examines his 15 foot putt from 10 angles. Finally he pulls the trigger and blows the putt 12 feet past the hole. Lining up again he sends it 8 feet past.

This guy has hands like Hormel Hams and the sensitive touch of a hockey fight.

Mr. What Flag?

This guy never, never, never puts the flag back in the hole. That’s the kind of menial work best served by, say, anyone he happens to be playing with.

He might be standing right next to it and all has to do is bend down to pick it up. But no, it must be his poor eyesight because he never sees it. It is like it doesn’t exist in his mind.

Mr. Logos

With huge brand name logos on his hat, shirt, shirt sleeve, belt, slacks and shoes, he looks like a NASCAR driver who crashed into the pro shop!

Mr. “Give-Me-a-Six”

On a par 4 you watch this golfer hit two shots OB. Later he takes three shots to get out of a green-side trap, blades his chip back across the green again and then four-putts.

Heading back to the cart he calls out to his buddy, “Give me a six.”

Crazy People In LA: Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal

Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal has filled her car’s back window deck with 20 or 30 stuffed animals. Listen, we got that you were whimsical when you chose to drive a pink Beetle. You didn’t need to drive the point home by cramming the back window with every stuffed animal you’ve had since 3rd grade.

Crazy People At School: Mr. Not-Doctor-Doctor

Mr. Not-Doctor-Doctor has called himself “Doctor” since the day he got his PhD in Organizational Communication or Western Culture.

In the real world, the only people that are called doctors are actual doctors. Don’t make people call you “Doctor” unless you can perform open-heart surgery. Don’t sign your emails and letters with “Doctor” unless you can take a bullet out of someone’s shoulder.

When someone passes out on the plane and the flight attendant yells, “Is anybody here a doctor?”, we don’t need you jumping in saying, “I can help organize a staff chart!”

Crazy People In San Francisco: Mr. BART Cellphone Loud-Talker

Mr. BART Cellphone Loud-Talker has no idea he is sharing a train car with several other people. He is speaking on his cellphone as loud as can talk without yelling.

Gee, Mr. BART Cellphone Loud-Talker, I know it’s hard to believe, but we really don’t need to hear about your problems at home with your spoiled kids, the lousy babysitter and your dog that hates you.

I’m really starting to understand the dog’s point of view.

Crazy People In LA: Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy

Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy is picking up a coworker for their early shift at the plant, or maybe they are heading out for a road trip. Rather than get out of the car and knock on the door, he honks the horn to announce his arrival. Never mind the thousands of people sound asleep in the neighborhood. We wouldn’t want you to have to get out of the car.

And where is the ridee? They are never ready to go, so Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy tries again with another long tap on the ‘ol car horn.

Now I am wide awake, so I turn on the TV and mindlessly surf channels. No problem. I didn’t have a busy day ahead and wasn’t counting on getting some decent sleep. Thanks, Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy.

Crazy People In LA: I-Can’t-Get-Away-From Smoking Guy

Sometimes when I am walking down the street I get stuck behind Smoking Guy. For unexplained reasons of science, I can never get away from the smoke. No matter which way the wind is blowing, the smoke ends up in my face. If I stop walking altogether, Smoking Guy and his group of friends do the same. If I duck into the 7-11, Smoking Guy and his crew do the same, probably to get more cigarettes.

Crazy Angelenos: Cellphone Drifter Guy

Cellphone Drifter Guy is usually found downtown. He wears several guises but I always seem to get trapped by the lawyer version. He’s strolling along, talking loudly on his cellphone.

You are walking along when you find yourself blocked by CDG–hey, it’s a big city. It’s going to happen. You downshift and try to pass on the left between him and the street.

But Cellphone Drifter Guy is so into his phone call he’s not really watching wear he is walking. He drifts. He drifts right in front of you, blocking your passing move.

No problem. You pull a tailback rolling move and try to pass on the other side between CDG and the building. Nope. CDG has drifted back the other way and blocks that lane.

Good luck.

Crazy People in LA - Cellphone Drifter Guy