Great Unemployment Reports Somehow Never Result in Real Jobs

The federal government just released the best unemployment report in years. The unemployment rate has been dropping for several months and recently reached an all-time low.

Social scientists are unable to explain how the drop in unemployment rate has not corresponded to an increase in actual jobs. “It’s some kind of rift in the space-time continuum,” said Stanford scientist Ivan Ihavenoclueistan. “The unemployment rate drops every month, and we are seeing the most positive numbers in several years. However, at the same time, no one seems to be getting a job that wants one — many people have been searching for several years.”

The professor’s comments are being taken seriously by government authorities. They have created a multi-department committee to examine the phenomenon of continually dropping unemployment numbers that don’t result in any new jobs.

“Our committee will examine the mystery of this situation,” said Washington insider Don Onthetakeski. “It’s outrageous that lower unemployment numbers don’t seem to be alleviating pain out in the real world where people need jobs, are highly qualified and are unable to find them. We believe there might be a Russian plot behind this.”

Out in the hinterland, real American Josh Youareallfullofitson says he had given up on the job market. He never had a problem finding a job before — gainful employment that allowed him to buy a home and raise a family.

To bring in money, he has opened a malt shop in his hometown of Fargo. He began to comment for this article, but had to hang up the phone in order to fill a drive-through order for two Chocolate Malted Fireballs, his biggest seller.