The university dining hall experience.
Freshman year in college is a major transition, leaving the cocoon of high school where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day, to the challenges of college where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day. Here are seven things I learned my freshman year.
1. Prepare for eating dining hall food by lining your stomach with three inches of cement.
2. You can meet any college girl you want as long as you agree to carry her books and all her sorority sister’s books as well.
3. To earn money, get a job as a lifeguard at the library. Yes, the library. Set up one of those lifeguard stands in the study area. Blow your whistle every hour and shout, “Who runs the show, now, maggots?”
4. Stay on top of your studying. If you do get behind, stay awake the last two weeks of the quarter, studying around the clock, by filling the school pool with coffee — swim two laps every 5 minutes, swallowing a mouthful of coffee on every third stroke.
5. To keep from getting homesick, put a giant picture of your mom’s meatloaf in the window of your dorm. You always hated that meatloaf.
6. Get out of the dorm! Meet new people! Chess club? Yes, chess club!
7. Stop random students on the quad and say, “Listen, kid, whatever you did, you’ll feel better if you confess!”
Some college campuses are incredibly beautiful. Stately buildings, lush lawns, big trees and charm everywhere.
I’ve heard of students who admitted to attending a university just based on the beauty of the campus alone. It was “love at first sight.”
I believe it. Here are some of the most beautiful campuses in America.
Sorry if you didn’t go to these schools and your campus looks like a city dump transitioning to a US Air Force bomb testing site.
Don’t worry – you can still go to grad school at any one of these 21 most beautiful college campuses in America.
1. I’ve never sang “Ay Ziggy Zoomba” in the house alone.
2. The Metamorphosis Rock doesn’t scare the heck out of me.
3. I enjoy not being known at all outside the state of Ohio and southern Michigan.
4. I am going to our state of the art sports training facility to work out — I am NOT wasting the afternoon watching Netflix and eating Taco Bell.
5. I’ve never wondered why they didn’t put a Big Boy restaurant in the Student Union.
A local married couple recently forgot what elementary schools they attended. In a discussion on what schools they attended over the years, both were accurate in reporting the name of their middle and high schools.
Things broke down when they mentioned their elementary schools.
“I went to Carver. I remember because they knocked it down four years after I left,” she said.
“You didn’t go to Carver. You went to Hudson like the rest of us,” he said. “You just acted like you were too good for the rest of us, even at 9 years old.”
“You DID NOT go to Hudson. That’s where the juvy kids went. You went to Lincoln! Don’t you remember they called your parents who had to come and get you when you had an accident?”
“What are you talking about? I never had an accident.”
Five Ohio University alumnae reflect fondly on some crazy moments during their years at “Harvard on the Hocking.”
I was studying in the Pi Phi House when some boys from Beta Theta Pi stormed the entrance and stole a bunch of photo composites. Edna’s family owned a construction company, so we drover a crane over to the Beta house and knocked it down with a wrecking ball. Half of them slept through it.
I arrived from Sweden a day before the first day of classes. Seven fellows streaked across the College Green the moment I got off the bus. I wondered if they did that for every girl.
A bunch of us were driving around in Atwell Fiedler’s convertible. He took the wrong way down a one-way street. A car came the other way. He hit the brakes so hard Vonn Curmi shot into the second floor window of The Greenery.
My father was a major financial contributor to the school and made it so I could not go anywhere without a chaperone. One time Mary Vincelli and I snuck out and spent the whole night at the Union listening to ska bands and breathing the funny air there.
Paul Newman was in my class. He was a film major and they shot an early version of Butch Cassidy here. It was called Butch Bobcat and the Hangover Kid.
1. I’m glad my school is in the middle of nowhere. I don’t need convenient access to a variety of goods and services.
2. I love the exercise I get from walking these hills.
3. I’m glad I didn’t go to Ohio State. I really enjoy the crunching sound the cicadas here make when I walk over 17,000 of them on the way to class.
4. I never vandalized some cars in Oxford, Ohio after the Miami game that one time.
5. I’m glad I graduated early. I really wasn’t enjoying the parties here.
Smart people use certain words wrong all the time. You might think that if they’re such smarty-pants, they shouldn’t make these mistakes. I know!
Maybe because they have a superior IQ, it blinds them to the correct use of these words.
Trumpory is when someone insults and degrades another person, and then when they are called out on it, claim to not remember using “those words,” or “can’t recall” attacking anyone with offensive language.
You brush your teeth, enjoying the clean, fresh feeling. Unfortunately, you eat a meal or have a beverage shortly after brushing your teeth, so the clean feeling is short-lived. You are experiencing postbrushgret.
There are certain important things we each need on our person at all times. Vitalizing is a list you say out loud as you leave the house to make sure you have each item: “Wallet, keys, iPhone,….”
It is common to lightly tap your pockets at the same time you call out the time.
Lionvenge is when big game animals turn the tables on illegal poachers. Instead of killing the hunters, the animals parade them naked through the jungle with nothing on but silly hats, laughing at them and making fun of their ridiculous sport.
Bottled water is outrageously expensive. You have been refilling the same bottle over and over to avoid this cost. Unfortunately, you consistently forget to clean it. Who knows what types of bacteria are having a wild party on that bottle?
Cleanbotfinal is when you finally take some dish soap and a bit of water and shake it inside the bottle. Congratulations, you dirty bird, you finally washed it.
Fangunk is the fuzzy dust and debris that lines the screen on the outside of your room or table fan. Because it is such a pain in the neck to open up the fan and clean it, instead you wipe it down once a month with a wet cloth, or if you’re feeling especially industrious, you wrap a screwdriver with a rag and run it up and down the slats of the screen.
Or you forget about it completely until no air passes through the fan at all, starting an electrical fire burns down your house.
Most modern computer tablets start up in seconds. This is still not fast enough for you. Tabhurry is the anxiety you feel waiting the 23 seconds it takes for your tablet to come to life.
Hey, I understand! You are a person on the go! You are doing exciting things with important people! You can’t wait less than 30 seconds in order to capture a selfie video of your exciting life.
The recipe said to add two teaspoons of curry powder. Rather than reach behind you and open the drawer to grab a teaspoon to measure precisely, you sprinkle the curry powder into the bowl liberally, taking the best guess you could make. This “curryguess” is wildly inaccurate, and the dishes you produce are either red hot or completely bland and tasteless.
Each week you say you will begin exercising next week. You even check out exercise routines and weightlifting programs on the Internet.
The problem is that you have been making this “exerpromise” for over 35 years. In that time, the amount of actual exercising you have done does not total more than 60 minutes.
Those cookies you bought the other day are sitting in a bowl on top of the counter next to the stove. They are the expensive kind where each cookie is sealed in its own package.
You pledged to other members of your family not to eat any of the cookies until after you have lost 15 pounds. Since there is no chance on this Earth that you will lose 15 pounds, you walk by the cookies every day staring at them intently, wishing and hoping no one counted them so you can steal one, unwrap it and eat it behind the garage.
For reasons unknown, smart people get these terms wrong all of the time. With patience and care, they can learn to use the words properly, making their communication clearer and more precise.
Wow, these busses are cool! I definitely would have looked forward to going to school if I was able to go in one of these babies.
Cut from the famous movie series, this bus was made to travel at over 275 mph on surface streets. It didn’t make the final cut of the movie, but is now in service every school day with Vin Diesel as the bus driver in select cities.
The Van Halen bus features a full concert performance by the band every morning and afternoon on the way home. In between songs, kids turn to another kid on the bus every day and ask, “Who are these guys again?”
The Go Pro school bus is fitted with 4800 Go Pro cameras that follow the bus as it jumps off cliffs, skis down mountains and goes surfing in the Pacific Ocean. A popular bus with kids, it has over 2 million subscribers on its YouTube channel with over 960 trillion views.
The Ohio school bus is specially made to handle sudden changes in the weather at any point in time. The roof has a special giant umbrella that pops out at the first sign of rain, and retracts in under 3 seconds.
The Kanye West bus is driven by the pop superstar. For the two-hour trip to and from school, he reminds the students that he is the biggest star in the world and that he is a genius.
The Family Vacation bus makes it easy for kids to go rapidly from school to summer vacation. It transforms from a regular schoolbus into a family road mobile that includes 5600 bags of Cheetos, 4800 beef jerky packages and 6500 movies on DVD for kids to enjoy on the unbelievably boring ride from their hometown to their smelly uncle Jeb’s house in Mossy Bottom Tennessee.
No sooner had she brought her new book home from school her two brothers grabbed it.
They were going to read it, right?
No, they just wanted to look at the pictures. For hours.
Look at these two clods holding up her education. Hey, learn to read like everyone else, you dorks!
Image courtesy Provincial Archives of Alberta