At the races

Your Choice of Breasts — Choose Wisely

An aunt created a storm of controversy recently when she breastfed her sister’s baby. Talk about spoiling your kid.

How does that work? Does the mom give them a choice of breasts?

“Honey, who would you like today? Remember, the nutrients and nourishment you get from breast milk at this stage will play a major role in your success in life. Choose wisely. So today we have Aunt Jane, who has a bad habit of shoplifting after downing shots of 151 rum; Aunt Alice, who smokes 6 packs a day while lifting the family Jeep so Uncle Frank can change a tire; and finally Aunt Clara, she like to breast feed on the benches outside of Walmart while she sings country ditties for change from shoppers.”

7 Things Moms Use To Say Back When They Took No Guff

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Remember when moms used to take no guff? If you aren’t old enough to have an old-school mom, here is a sample of the crazy things they used to say.

1. Get down from there or I will make you live up there permanently with a family from Sweden!

2. Why? Because I said so, and I have a Pulitzer prize in this crap!

3. Don’t come back at me with that sugary talk! You sound like early Beach Boys before they all went mad!

4. We can do this one of two ways, the easy way or the hard way! Or the third way, which no has ever returned from to tell tales!

5. Quit fighting or I will put you in the ring with a champion — I’m talking Smokin’ Joe Frazier!

6. I want you to clean up your room once and for all — we better be able to see the floor that we haven’t seen since you moved in there three years ago!

7. You can’t get up until you eat everything on your plate! And the plate,  too, now that I think about it!

 

Local Youth Learns Lesson the Hard Way

This kid thinks he can do whatever he wants.

 

The Warning

Image taken from page 24 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11235980043
Courtesy The British Library

He gets a warning, but hey, he doesn’t care. He can lean back in the chair if he feels like it, right!

 

The Wake-Up

Image taken from page 25 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11235748454
Courtesy The British Library

Woah, woah, well lookee here! Look who seems to be losing their balance.

 

The Final

Image taken from page 25 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11048575456
Courtesy The British Library

Ha, ha! Serves you right kid. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

 

 

 

Is There Royal Blood In Your Family? Here’s How To Tell

You might be related to royalty. Just think how much better people will treat you when they know you are related to kings and queens. Here are the signs you may have royal blood flowing through your veins.

Crowns

Does anyone in your family walk around the house wearing a crown? It doesn’t even have to be made with valuable jewels. A crown of oily rags or celery sticks is just as good. Your family member is answering an ancient call; responding to their royal blood.

Guards

Do your pets stand guard outside your house, protecting your home and grounds from possible intruders or incoming hordes? This means they sense your royal blood, and are taking up the role as gatekeepers to the crown. Then again, they may just be hungry and are waiting for you to come home from work.

Coronations

Do your children expect to be coronated on their 16th birthday, perhaps with a new drum set or even a car? They expect this because it is part of their royal heritage — also because you have spoiled them since they were little.

Chariots

Normal people drive sensible cars. Royalty are driven around by footmen in royal coaches. If your spouse has purchased a used coach from Disneyland, and hired high school kids to hitch up horses to it and drive her around the park, you can be sure she has royal blood.

Coat-of-Arms

All royal families have a coat of arms, as yours should.  Have you ever come home to find artwork displayed on your refrigerator, perhaps made of macaroni or pencil shadings of leaves? Do not despair. This is your royal offspring attempting to summon the royal coat of arms. Let their knowledge flow, and soon they will reward you with a full-colored, magnificent coat of arms you can proudly hang in the foyer. Or your basement. Or garage.

Polo

Are your offspring riding bikes around the driveway and neighborhood, attempting to crash into each other at high speed? Don’t worry. For most children, this would be a sign of a future life of crime. For you, it means their royal blood is answering the call to play polo, galloping with great gusto and verve, holding off the competition as they wallop the winning goal.

These are just a few of the signs your family is indeed royalty, and you must do everything in your power to restore your kingdom.