5 Things You Should Know About Poke

Poke is all the rage in Southern California right now. It has unseated kale, avocado toast and mini-deserts as the hot menu item in restaurants all over the area.

What is Poke?

Poke is the Hawaiian word for “trendy fish.” It was developed by native Hawaiians to have something to offer trendoids from California and Aspen so they could go back home and say they “discovered” a unique Hawaiian dish.

How do you pronounce Poke?

Poke is pronounced poh-kay, like “okay,” not like “joke.” And no matter what your friends from New York or London insist, there is no accent on the “e.” The word is Poke, not poké or poki. You don’t say “CAL-EYE-FORN-IA” or “MOAN-TAN-A” do you? Well, maybe you do.

How many styles of Poke are there?

At this point, there are too many too count. Basic Poke is cubed raw tuna that is marinated with onions, sesame oil and soy sauce. In Texas, they add BBQ sauce; in Florida, they add lots of pepper because they can’t taste anything without pepper at this age; in Iowa, the add beef that been stuffed with sweet corn and shredded copies of the Daily Iowa Senate Record.

Why is Poke so hot right now?

Poke is hot because it is time. Every solid, reasonable, tasty dish that has been around forever gets a seat in the center of the parade for a little while. Other foods that are about to become hot include rolled ice cream — made by covering yourself in your favorite flavor and rolling in oats spread on the floor, vegetarian comfort food which includes items like veggie pizza which no one has ever, ever, ever ordered ever, and “brunchfast,” the unholy matrimony of brunch, breakfast and lunch. We used to just call it “brunch.” Past popular foods include acai bowls, cute cupcakes, tiramisu and bacon. Oops, sorry, bacon will never go out of style.

Is Hawaiian Poke the same as a Facebook Poke?

Absolutely not. Hawaiian Poke is a delicious food item. A Facebook Poke is a way to annoy friends on the huge social platform. In the early days, it was a casual way to try to get the attention of another student. As regular people and, gasp!, parents, joined the crowd, the Poke became a loathed and ridiculed feature that indicated immediately you were a newbie, a creep or both.

 

7 things you don’t want to hear from your waiter

You are at your favorite restaurant. Or a hole-in-the-wall you’ve always wanted to visit. No matter the eating establishment, here are 7 things you don’t want to hear from your waiter.

1. Is the fish fresh? Depends. Who’s asking?

2. Sashimi? I wasn’t even looking for you.

3. Sure, we have ramen. We have old school noodles, too.

4. Yes, if you insist, we can cook it for you well done. There will be a 45 percent surcharge.

5. Rats in the kitchen? Only my brother-in-law.

6. Look, these are quality breadsticks. If you wanted 67 of them, why didn’t you go to Olive Garden?

7. The only secret menu we have is in my shorts.

Mr. Helpful Hipster Style

“Can you hold that door open for one second?” I cheerily said to the hipster leaning against the wall near the door as I bobbled a large pizza and drinks for Mary and me, trying to exit.

Everyone in the joint was in a good mood. The front of this place in Eagle Rock is always packed with people signing up to get a table or picking up carry-out orders. It was buzzing.

I lifted my items over the heads of the crowd to make it easier to move forward.

He didn’t have to move his body or feet from his spot on the wall, just bend his right elbow to reach the door handle and hold it. Surely he would help out.

“Well, I’m not a doorman!” he said with disdain, not moving a muscle.

A normal person would just move their hand up and snag the handle, but he didn’t want to seem like he was “the help.”

I guess it would diminish his standing in a hyper-competitive town?

Or something.

“You can’t hold it for two seconds?” I said.

With the face of a 9-year-old who has been told to clean his room for the 10th time, he grabbed the side of the door with his hand.

“Thanks, I apprecia….” I started to say as I stepped into the open space. When I was halfway through the doorway, he let it go and it smashed into my right leg, the pizza nearly flying onto the roof of a nearby parked car.

County Tells Florida Man To Keep BBQ Smoke From Drifting into Neighbor’s Yard

County officials in Florida ordered a man to keep the smell of barbecue from leaving his property.

When a neighbor lady first complained, the police came out and sided with the barbecue man.

Let’s hear it for the police in Florida!

But the lady complained 15 more times until he was cited by county officials.

See, she felt the barbecue smell was a nuisance and would diminish her home value.

Bring down her home value?

The smell of barbecue will RAISE your home value.

The smell of good BBQ should be in every real estate ad:

“Charming starter home in up and coming area. Hardwood floors, lots of light from newer windows. Big kitchen and pantry. Enjoy summer nights in fenced-in yard while neighbor prepares Texas Pulled Pork and Memphis-Style Hickory Smoked Beef and Pork Ribs.”

“Three-bedroom colonial with grand entranceway. Great schools. Fully renovated kitchen and baths. Whole family will enjoy smell of neighbor slow cooking Mexican Street Corn with Lime Coconut drizzled on top, Cajun Deviled Eggs and Baked Sweet Potato Fries with Spicy Apricot dipping sauce.”

“This is the one! French Eclectic home designed by famed architects Upper and Crust in the gated community of Nose-in-the-Air. Elegant curving staircase winds above hardwood floors. Private back deck enhanced with the aroma of neighbor cooking Bacon Bourbon Barbecue Chicken Kebabs and Spice-Rubbed, Texas-Style Brisket on Texas Toast.”

They should use barbecue on the House Hunter’s TV show where prospective home buying couples look at three different homes and choose one.

“Welcome back to House Hunters. Felipe and Jill have a growing family and want to move out of their cramped apartment into their first home.

“The first house they looked at, Felipe liked the artisan tiles in the living room, while Jill liked the smell of Grilled Vegetable Kebabs Rubbed with Chile coming over from the neighbor’s yard.

“The second house, Jill liked the big back yard where the kids could play, and Felipe enjoyed the aroma of the neighbor cooking South of the Border Mac & Cheese, Sweet Vinegar Slaw, and Malty Maple Cornbread dripping in butter.

“But, at the end of the day, they decided on the third house. It was a little outside their budget, but Jill fell in love with the grand entranceway, Felipe loved the exposed concrete floors in the out-building he plans to turn into a workshop and they both loved the smells coming over the fence — Grilled Jalapeño Corn on the Cob, Honest Irving’s Root Beer Baked Beans, Stuffed Zucchini, Squash and Corn Casserole, and Praise the Lord Potato Salad.”

Home prices go down?

BBQ smells make your home value go UP.

Staying Overnight in a Taco Bell

Would you stay overnight in a Taco Bell?

A Taco Bell in Canada is doing a promotion for one of their new food items. The winner of the promotion gets to stay overnight in a Taco Bell!

You might’ve heard the term “staycation.” You spend your vacation at home. Well, they’ve co-opted that idea — they call it the “Steakcation,” promoting one of their food items that has steak in it. Yeah that’s right, Taco Bell is going to set up bunkbeds, beanbag chairs, full screen TVs — everything you need to have an overnight party!

In a Taco Bell.

I love this idea. I love the idea of fans of fast food places being able to stay overnight. In fact, I say they get into the hotel business.

We don’t need another chain of no-name hotels that nobody can remember the name of.

We all know McDonald’s. We all know Taco Bell. We all know these restaurants. I say they get into the hotel business. These chains are already good at marketing.

Let’s let McDonald’s run wild in the hotel-motel industry.

For example, instead of beds, McDonald’s could fill every room with plastic balls.

How much fun would that be? You don’t sleep on a bed at a McDonald’s hotel, you have sweet dreams in a ball pit.

Wendy’s is already ahead of the game. If you’ve never been to Wendy’s, you may not know the hamburgers are square. They are all ready to go for the hotel business.

Instead of regular mattresses, they make the bed out of Wendy’s hamburger meat. The mattresses are made of Wendy’s hamburger meat. It’s brilliant. They are already the same shape as the mattresses. Just much bigger. And if you get hungry in the middle of the night, you just reach over, peel back the sheets and take a bite of the mattress.

Your own hamburger bed. They could even offer linen made out of lettuce.

In-N-Out Burger could start their own hotel chain.

They are famed for their hidden menu. It’s not long after you start ordering from In-N-Out that you learn to order from the hidden menu.

Like here’s a good one: Order the Neapolitan shake. It’s a combination of chocolate vanilla and strawberry — it’s not on the main menu.

They could do the same thing with their rooms. “Yes, I’d like a double room Neapolitan style.” And the room is decorated in strawberry, chocolate and shades of vanilla. And the fridge is stacked with Neapolitan shakes.

Order it “animal style.” That’s the secret. Order animal style. And when you check in to your In-N-Out hotel room, that they will eventually start building because I’ve come up with this great idea, you can order your room “animal style.” It has everything! Yes I would like a single room with a double bed animal style. They throw everything in there. Hot tub, playground equipment, wet bar, airplane parts, your own concierge, personal trainer and $10,000 worth of pickles.

And it’s not just hamburger places. What about Starbucks? Starbucks could start their own hotel chain easily. They’ve got the cash flow. They’ve got the brand name. Instead of a double room or large room, of course they would use their own arcane language that they made up. You’d have to say, “Yes I would like to have a Grande room that overlooks the pool.”

“Sure,” the barista says, “But let me ask you, don’t you deserve a better room? Could I talk you into a Venti?

You say, “Sure, but does it overlook the pool?”

They say, “It overlooks the pool AND the beach!

“Cool man, give me the Venti.”

Then you have to go down to the end of the counter where they call out your name when your room is ready. “Ted, your Venti room overlooking the pool and the beach is ready. Ted!” “Sally your Grande overlooking the parking lot is ready. Sally!”

I mean this is a brilliant idea. If I do say so myself.

People are tired of staying in boring hotels. They want to stay in one of their favorite restaurants that has overnight accommodations.

They want to stay in a Taco Bell.

They want to stay in a Jack-in-the-Box.

They want to stay in a McDonald’s.

I’m here to fight for the consumer. They want what they want and they want it now!

Folks, I’m here with this great idea, but it’s not for me. It’s for you.

It’s for you fans of Taco Bell. You fans of Jack-in-the-Box. You fans of Starbucks.

I know you want to stay overnight. I know you want them to expand into the hotel business, and I’m here to spearhead the effort.

And these companies that respond to consumers will take action because they know today’s consumer wants what they want, how they want it, and they want it right now!

Together we can make it happen.

7 Amazing Kitchen Tools That Will Change The Way You Cook

Culinary technology is racing forward at a breakneck pace. Here are 7 kitchen tools you may be using sooner than you think.

 

Disaster Meal Masher

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Cook’s Steel Hat With Handle

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Tilted Kitchen Door Stop

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Donut Sprinkle Strainer

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Chocolate Kiss Melter

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Head Chef Oversized Ego Clamp

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Ungrateful Customer Knuckle Rappers Rack

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She Can’t Make Mac and Cheese

A major show cooking recently featured a woman who couldn’t make baked Mac and Cheese. No matter how hard she tried, it came out wrong.

More specifically, she didn’t know how to make Mac and Cheese. Heck, she had problems making the macaroni!

So she appeared on the show to get some schoolin’. A guest chef was brought in to show this poor lady how to make Mac and Cheese.

It started out fine. He showed her how to make the macaroni, add the cheese and breadcrumbs and bake it.

This is where it should have stopped!

That’s all she wanted to know.

Mission accomplished. Right?

But no, he went on to show her how to jazz up basic Mac and Cheese with all kinds of wacky combinations:

  • Christmas Leftovers – take all the leftover Christmas cake from the last holiday, mix in shredded Christmas cards and any leftover broken Christmas lights. Yum!
  • Deer Meat – is there a hunter in the family? Add that deer meat right into the Mac and Cheese!
  • A Box of Doughnuts – who says sugar is bad for you?
  • Shotgun Shells – this Mac and Cheese is crunchy goodness. Check your dental insurance before trying this one.
  • Gasoline – Wow, this Mac and Cheese is on fire!
  • Fireworks – so what if the police came over because your house was shooting bottle rockets and M80s in the air like popcorn out of a skillet! Who cares? It makes a great Mac and Cheese!

The guest chef showed 10 or 15 different Mac and Cheese combinations. The crowd went wild. The lady looked more confused than ever.

“So, now you know how to make Mac and Cheese!” the host said. The audience cheered.

“Uh, yeah, sure…” the lady said.