At the races

County Tells Florida Man To Keep BBQ Smoke From Drifting into Neighbor’s Yard

County officials in Florida ordered a man to keep the smell of barbecue from leaving his property.

When a neighbor lady first complained, the police came out and sided with the barbecue man.

Let’s hear it for the police in Florida!

But the lady complained 15 more times until he was cited by county officials.

See, she felt the barbecue smell was a nuisance and would diminish her home value.

Bring down her home value?

The smell of barbecue will RAISE your home value.

The smell of good BBQ should be in every real estate ad:

“Charming starter home in up and coming area. Hardwood floors, lots of light from newer windows. Big kitchen and pantry. Enjoy summer nights in fenced-in yard while neighbor prepares Texas Pulled Pork and Memphis-Style Hickory Smoked Beef and Pork Ribs.”

“Three-bedroom colonial with grand entranceway. Great schools. Fully renovated kitchen and baths. Whole family will enjoy smell of neighbor slow cooking Mexican Street Corn with Lime Coconut drizzled on top, Cajun Deviled Eggs and Baked Sweet Potato Fries with Spicy Apricot dipping sauce.”

“This is the one! French Eclectic home designed by famed architects Upper and Crust in the gated community of Nose-in-the-Air. Elegant curving staircase winds above hardwood floors. Private back deck enhanced with the aroma of neighbor cooking Bacon Bourbon Barbecue Chicken Kebabs and Spice-Rubbed, Texas-Style Brisket on Texas Toast.”

They should use barbecue on the House Hunter’s TV show where prospective home buying couples look at three different homes and choose one.

“Welcome back to House Hunters. Felipe and Jill have a growing family and want to move out of their cramped apartment into their first home.

“The first house they looked at, Felipe liked the artisan tiles in the living room, while Jill liked the smell of Grilled Vegetable Kebabs Rubbed with Chile coming over from the neighbor’s yard.

“The second house, Jill liked the big back yard where the kids could play, and Felipe enjoyed the aroma of the neighbor cooking South of the Border Mac & Cheese, Sweet Vinegar Slaw, and Malty Maple Cornbread dripping in butter.

“But, at the end of the day, they decided on the third house. It was a little outside their budget, but Jill fell in love with the grand entranceway, Felipe loved the exposed concrete floors in the out-building he plans to turn into a workshop and they both loved the smells coming over the fence — Grilled Jalapeño Corn on the Cob, Honest Irving’s Root Beer Baked Beans, Stuffed Zucchini, Squash and Corn Casserole, and Praise the Lord Potato Salad.”

Home prices go down?

BBQ smells make your home value go UP.

At the races

Staying Overnight in a Taco Bell

Would you stay overnight in a Taco Bell?

A Taco Bell in Canada is doing a promotion for one of their new food items. The winner of the promotion gets to stay overnight in a Taco Bell!

You might’ve heard the term “staycation.” You spend your vacation at home. Well, they’ve co-opted that idea — they call it the “Steakcation,” promoting one of their food items that has steak in it. Yeah that’s right, Taco Bell is going to set up bunkbeds, beanbag chairs, full screen TVs — everything you need to have an overnight party!

In a Taco Bell.

I love this idea. I love the idea of fans of fast food places being able to stay overnight. In fact, I say they get into the hotel business.

We don’t need another chain of no-name hotels that nobody can remember the name of.

We all know McDonald’s. We all know Taco Bell. We all know these restaurants. I say they get into the hotel business. These chains are already good at marketing.

Let’s let McDonald’s run wild in the hotel-motel industry.

For example, instead of beds, McDonald’s could fill every room with plastic balls.

How much fun would that be? You don’t sleep on a bed at a McDonald’s hotel, you have sweet dreams in a ball pit.

Wendy’s is already ahead of the game. If you’ve never been to Wendy’s, you may not know the hamburgers are square. They are all ready to go for the hotel business.

Instead of regular mattresses, they make the bed out of Wendy’s hamburger meat. The mattresses are made of Wendy’s hamburger meat. It’s brilliant. They are already the same shape as the mattresses. Just much bigger. And if you get hungry in the middle of the night, you just reach over, peel back the sheets and take a bite of the mattress.

Your own hamburger bed. They could even offer linen made out of lettuce.

In-N-Out Burger could start their own hotel chain.

They are famed for their hidden menu. It’s not long after you start ordering from In-N-Out that you learn to order from the hidden menu.

Like here’s a good one: Order the Neapolitan shake. It’s a combination of chocolate vanilla and strawberry — it’s not on the main menu.

They could do the same thing with their rooms. “Yes, I’d like a double room Neapolitan style.” And the room is decorated in strawberry, chocolate and shades of vanilla. And the fridge is stacked with Neapolitan shakes.

Order it “animal style.” That’s the secret. Order animal style. And when you check in to your In-N-Out hotel room, that they will eventually start building because I’ve come up with this great idea, you can order your room “animal style.” It has everything! Yes I would like a single room with a double bed animal style. They throw everything in there. Hot tub, playground equipment, wet bar, airplane parts, your own concierge, personal trainer and $10,000 worth of pickles.

And it’s not just hamburger places. What about Starbucks? Starbucks could start their own hotel chain easily. They’ve got the cash flow. They’ve got the brand name. Instead of a double room or large room, of course they would use their own arcane language that they made up. You’d have to say, “Yes I would like to have a Grande room that overlooks the pool.”

“Sure,” the barista says, “But let me ask you, don’t you deserve a better room? Could I talk you into a Venti?

You say, “Sure, but does it overlook the pool?”

They say, “It overlooks the pool AND the beach!

“Cool man, give me the Venti.”

Then you have to go down to the end of the counter where they call out your name when your room is ready. “Ted, your Venti room overlooking the pool and the beach is ready. Ted!” “Sally your Grande overlooking the parking lot is ready. Sally!”

I mean this is a brilliant idea. If I do say so myself.

People are tired of staying in boring hotels. They want to stay in one of their favorite restaurants that has overnight accommodations.

They want to stay in a Taco Bell.

They want to stay in a Jack-in-the-Box.

They want to stay in a McDonald’s.

I’m here to fight for the consumer. They want what they want and they want it now!

Folks, I’m here with this great idea, but it’s not for me. It’s for you.

It’s for you fans of Taco Bell. You fans of Jack-in-the-Box. You fans of Starbucks.

I know you want to stay overnight. I know you want them to expand into the hotel business, and I’m here to spearhead the effort.

And these companies that respond to consumers will take action because they know today’s consumer wants what they want, how they want it, and they want it right now!

Together we can make it happen.

At the races

7 Amazing Kitchen Tools That Will Change The Way You Cook

Culinary technology is racing forward at a breakneck pace. Here are 7 kitchen tools you may be using sooner than you think.

 

Disaster Meal Masher

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Cook’s Steel Hat With Handle

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Tilted Kitchen Door Stop

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Donut Sprinkle Strainer

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Chocolate Kiss Melter

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Head Chef Oversized Ego Clamp

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Ungrateful Customer Knuckle Rappers Rack

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She Can’t Make Mac and Cheese

A major show cooking recently featured a woman who couldn’t make baked Mac and Cheese. No matter how hard she tried, it came out wrong.

More specifically, she didn’t know how to make Mac and Cheese. Heck, she had problems making the macaroni!

So she appeared on the show to get some schoolin’. A guest chef was brought in to show this poor lady how to make Mac and Cheese.

It started out fine. He showed her how to make the macaroni, add the cheese and breadcrumbs and bake it.

This is where it should have stopped!

That’s all she wanted to know.

Mission accomplished. Right?

But no, he went on to show her how to jazz up basic Mac and Cheese with all kinds of wacky combinations:

  • Christmas Leftovers – take all the leftover Christmas cake from the last holiday, mix in shredded Christmas cards and any leftover broken Christmas lights. Yum!
  • Deer Meat – is there a hunter in the family? Add that deer meat right into the Mac and Cheese!
  • A Box of Doughnuts – who says sugar is bad for you?
  • Shotgun Shells – this Mac and Cheese is crunchy goodness. Check your dental insurance before trying this one.
  • Gasoline – Wow, this Mac and Cheese is on fire!
  • Fireworks – so what if the police came over because your house was shooting bottle rockets and M80s in the air like popcorn out of a skillet! Who cares? It makes a great Mac and Cheese!

The guest chef showed 10 or 15 different Mac and Cheese combinations. The crowd went wild. The lady looked more confused than ever.

“So, now you know how to make Mac and Cheese!” the host said. The audience cheered.

“Uh, yeah, sure…” the lady said.

 

At the races

Internet Goes Crazy Over New Way to Slice Pineapples

The internet teaches us lots of stuff we never knew about before. A new way of slicing pineapples is making the Internet crazy. Comments all over the web sing its praises.

“Amazing!”

“I love it”

“How come I never knew about this before?”

I talked to Shigeki about the technique.

“Shigeki, tell us about this new way to slice pineapples.”

“Joe, it’s not new. It’s just new to many people. It has been around my country for decades.”

“OK, how does it work?”

“What you do is take the pineapple to the mall and stand on it while you are riding the escalator. When the steps level out to go under the floor, the ridges will slice the pineapple into many pieces. Clean as a whistle.”

“OK, but then you have to eat pineapple slices that have been rolling around on an escalator at the mall.”

“Just rinse them off,” Shigeki said. “Like your Mom used to tell you.”

At the races

Why McDonald’s sold Mozzarella sticks with no cheese

Chill, bro. People are mad ! They went to McDonald’s and ordered Mozzarella sticks and there wasn’t any Mozzarella in the sticks.

Chill, bro. People are mad! They went to McDonald’s and ordered Mozzarella sticks and there wasn’t any Mozzarella in the sticks.

There wasn’t any Mozzarella, there wasn’t any Gouda, there wasn’t any Swiss, there wasn’t any cheese at all in the Mozzarella sticks.

So they went on social media and posted photos of Mozzarella sticks without any Mozzarella. They wrote, “What up Mickey D’s!!??”

I say you just gotta chill, bro.

Because this is simply a choice by McDonald’s as they continue to modify their menu to reflect the changing tastes of the American public toward healthier eating. Let’s be honest: If you order fried cheese sticks, that’s not going to be real good for you.

So when we take out the cheese, we’re just looking out for you, bro. And along those lines, you can look forward to the meatless McDonald’s hamburger — it’s a hamburger bun with a couple of pickles, some ketchup and mustard and that’s it.

I can see it now — people are going to get on social media and say, “What up, Mickey D’s? There ain’t no cheese on my cheeseburger, and there ain’t no meat!”

But you don’t really need all that beef, do you?

And here’s another exciting change: Instead of fries, McDonald’s is going to be serving something different — in the same cartons, they will swap the exact number of french fries you would have received for celery and carrots sticks.

So don’t get upset.

They are just looking out for you.

 

coffee two broke girls

7 Worst Things About Being a Starbucks Barista

It seems like everyone likes Starbucks. But behind the counter it is a different story. I talked to Raphael, a long-time Starbucks barista in Los Angeles. He shared with me the seven worst things about being a barista.

1. The new barista training in Colombia.

All baristas must travel to Columbia and help harvest beans by hand for two weeks. At night they take classes in the different types of beans like Rust-Bucket Red and Choco-loco Cocoa. They get 5 hours of sleep for the whole time they are there.

2. Giving each other nicknames.

Every new crop of baristas is tasked with giving each other nicknames that they will be called for their entire employment with the company. Raphael’s nickname is “Trucker Hat,” due to an unfortunate fashion choice he made on his first day of training. Others in his class were named, “PB and J” and “Gatling Gopher.” He declined to explain these names.

3. Learning to call out customer names.

Starbucks trains their employees a very special way to call out customer names. It must sound helpful and upbeat, but have a hint of superiority. It’s a delicate balance, and veterans claim it takes months to perfect.

4. Wearing a helmet.

Due to new federal regulations, all Starbucks baristas must wear officially approved helmets. “I don’t mind doing what I can to help increase workplace safety,” Raphael said. “But, it makes it really, really hard to get phone numbers from attractive female customers.”

5. New delivery service.

In order to keep up with Amazon and other new companies using mobile app technology to provide fast food and beverage delivery, Starbucks began testing a new delivery service at Raphael’s location. “I really didn’t like it,” he said. “You have to run up to the door of the customer, deliver the coffee and get back into the delivery vehicle within 17 seconds. It’s difficult as it is, but if you inadvertently step on a child’s toy or tricycle, you’ll add 4 to 5 seconds to the trip. If you are ever over the 17-second limit, you are immediately delivered a video message from Howard Schultz telling you that you have only two more chances before you are let go. However, on the good side, he does say that will get a good recommendation to work at Burger King.”

6. Mooching relatives.

“Maybe one of the most annoying parts of working at Starbucks is every friend and family member wants a free product. Hey, I don’t come to your retail store and ask for free running shoes.”

7. Birthday songs.

Finally, Rafael described another of his huge pet peeves about working at Starbucks: singing birthday songs. “I don’t mind making the customers happy. But coming around the front of the counter in order to sing the Happy Birthday song to a customer just wastes our time. I’m happy it’s your birthday, and I’m glad you are a Starbucks customer, but please celebrate your special day somewhere else. You’re slowing down the line.”

5 Things You Should Never Say To A Vegan

Vegans are nice people. Just don’t say thoughtless things to them, you jerk.

1. Hey, that’s cool. My old girlfriend is a vegan. Well, half vegan/half Polish.

2. How do you breathe our planet’s air?

3. Vegan for victory! Am I right? Am I right?

4. The best thing about vegans is they lead the league in bench-clearing brawls.

5. Little known fact: vegans love old typewriters.

11 Ways To Eat Healthy On a Budget

You are broke. Maybe you are in college, building a startup tech firm or just down on your luck. Whatever. But you want to eat healthy. Here’s how to do it.

1. Walk casually through a busy restaurant. Grab uneaten food off plates that have not been cleared yet. Either eat on-the-fly, or stuff your booty in your backpack for later.

2. Get a job in an Easter Egg factory. Bite off the ears of every 200th bunny. Keep this up until you get fired.

3. Go to every Catholic mass offered on Sunday.

Courtesy Library of Congress via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Library of Congress via Flickr Commons

Go through the line to get communion 3 or 4 times each mass.

4. Plant a community garden along the steps going up to your town’s water tower. When asked by the police what you are doing, tell them it a public work project.

5. Go the the grocery store.

Courtesy USDA
Courtesy USDA

Cut up a watermelon, set up a table and start giving away samples. Eat one sample for every 10 you give away.

6. Get to the nearest Italian restaurant and roam the tables singing opera love songs. When you drive away business, the chef will come out to have you tossed out. Slip into the kitchen and eat some Farfalla with Fetta Cheese before the cops get there.

7. Become a comedian and tell really, really bad jokes.

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

When the audience begins to throw tomatoes, open your mouth and catch what you can.

8. Convince your date to cook dinner for the two of you at her place. When she goes to the bathroom, sneak into the kitchen and stuff your pockets with leftovers and canned vegetables.

9. Pretend you are a star chef and interview for local chef positions.

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Take on a superior air. Demand to see the kitchen “to see if they qualify to interview you.” Stuff your chef hat with meat, cheese and spices.

10. Start a cooking show — the gimmick is you only use items brought in by the studio audience. Drop the leftover ingredients in your pants.

11. Pretend to be a food reviewer for the New York Times to get free meals. You’ll need an obscure name. Choose from the following:

  • Torre Oatey
  • Melampus Beuzeville
  • Benat Demers

It’s tough to be broke, but you can make it work.