I Don’t Sing

My doctor and I were talking about Christmas and caroling.

Me: Yeah, someone asked me to go caroling with them.

Her: Oh, really, you are a singer?

Me: No, they just want me to go caroling.

Her: I didn’t know you were a singer.

Me: Me? No. They just want people to go caroling. We used to do that when I was a kid.

Her: You’ve been a singer since you were a kid? Wow!

Me: Yeah, I’m not a singer. Unless you count Frank Sinatra when I’m alone in the car.

Her: We need a singer like you in our church choir.

Me: See, well, I’m not a singer.

Her: I’m glad you sing. People need to sing more.

Me: Right, I don’t sing. I mean…I’m not a singer…at all…except in the car…you know…Frank Sinatra.

Her: You sing in the car to warm up?

Me: Are we done here?

3 Crazy Facts About New Year’s Eve

In many countries, New Year’s Eve is known as Saint Sylvester’s Day. No, they didn’t make Sylvester the Cat into a saint. Saint Sylvester used to be plain old Pope Sylvester before he was promoted. He was pope from 314 until he died in 335. He was buried on Dec 31st, 335, and that day remains Saint Sylvester’s Day in many German-speaking countries. One historian I talked to told me, “I still think they should make Sylvester the Cat into a saint. Or at least Wile E. Coyote.”

In Quebec, Canada, many people go ice fishing on New Year’s Eve. Sounds like fun. At least you have plenty of ice for your cocktail.

In Mexico, they’ve adopted a tradition from Spain called the 12 grapes. You eat 12 grapes in 12 seconds, one for each of the final bongs of the clock on the New Year’s countdown. They say it’s harder than it looks. Come on!

“Twelve, eleven, ten, oops…,nine, wait, back up, oops, dropped another one, WAAAAIIIITTTT!!!

How Far Should I Run To Work Off The Holiday Calories I Consumed?

With the new year looming, you may be considering starting a new running program to work off the food you ate over the holidays.

How far you should run depends on how much and what you consumed in November and December. Here is a quick guide:

If you ate:
32 cookies
15 pieces of fudge
25 potato latkes
Run 1/2 mile per day.

If you ate:
56 cookies
25 pieces of fudge
33 potato latkes
17 sausage rolls
Run 3/4 mile per day.

If you ate:
65 cookies
30 pieces of fudge
37 potato latkes
22 sausage rolls
12 mince pies
Run 1 mile per day.

If you ate:
75 cookies
35 pieces of fudge
43 potato latkes
37 sausage rolls
15 mince pies
21 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
Run 1.5 miles per day.

If you ate:
100 cookies
43 pieces of fudge
47 potato latkes
40 sausage rolls
17 mince pies
24 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
15 deep-fried chocolate cupcakes
Run 3 miles per day

If you ate:
124 cookies
47 pieces of fudge
54 potato latkes
43 sausage rolls
21 mince pies
25 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
19 deep-fried chocolate cupcakes
Run 5 miles per day

If you ate:
11,503 cookies
7,755 pieces of fudge
8,456 potato latkes
27,987 sausage rolls
5,278 mince pies
33,785 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
44,525 deep fried chocolate cupcakes
175,000 candy canes
300,000 gallons of egg nog
Please do not run. Call the fire department to cut a hole in the side of your house so they can lift you out with a crane and take you to the emergency room.

3 Fun Facts About Christmas

We celebrate Christmas on December 25th, but historians are not really sure of the exact birthdate of Jesus. How would you like it if they weren’t sure about your real birthday? “Hey Jim, how are old are you now…give or take a few weeks?

The Christmas story tells us that three kings or wise men set off to visit the manger where Jesus was born. Do you think that was on their business card? “See, it says right there – King, Wise Man. I also do a little real estate sales on the side. You should buy now. The housing market is only getting tighter.”

The toughest part of Christmas is going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve…After eating tons of food. Nighty night. “ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

9 Signs Your Fourth of July Is Not Turning Out As Well As You Expected

The Fourth of July, Independence Day, is a day to relax with friends and family and celebrate our country. But sometimes it doesn’t go as you planned.


Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

You work on your custom flag dress for weeks and your cousin walks in wearing the exact same thing.


Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

The drummer in your parade group thinks he is John Bonham.


Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Gypsy fortune tellers at the July 4th party say you only have 3 months to live.


Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Every kid in the parade got their parents to help with their costume. Yours looks like you made it in your sleep.


Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Your softball team is halfway through the season and you are 0-34.


Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

Girls on the beach don’t even notice you walk by anymore.


Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

The fireworks are almost over, and you have no idea where the car is parked.


Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

You realize you didn’t make enough potato salad.


Courtesy Florida Memory
Courtesy Florida Memory

Your son falls in a well after trying to use an umbrella “as a parachute, daddy!”