As a guy, you accumulate a lot of tools. Problem is your workbench becomes a mess real fast. Here are some tips to get them in line.
- Stick all lose screws, bolts and nails in old oranges and potatoes.
- Hang all hammers from your belt.
- Pour old paint on the roof.
- Attach loose alligator clips to your ears.
- Keep screwdrivers and punches in the refrigerator.
- Buy a pegboard and write “Nobody knows what happened at the old mill but you!” on it in big letters.
- Use old peanut butter jars to store extra wires and small electronics. Leave 1/4 of the peanut butter in the jar to help the loose parts stay put.
An area woman struggled recently to find the right speed on a 3-speed box fan she keeps in the TV room. As Matlock reruns played on a high-number cable channel, she repeatedly shifted the speed knob on the fan from “L” to “M.”
“I got this dang thing at the home improvement store. I don’t know where it was made, but whoever it was definitely did not know how to set the speeds.” she said. “The slowest setting, ‘L,’ I guess stands for Low. But it’s more than low, it is almost non-existent.
“And then when you shift it to ‘M,’ is that Medium? Well, it’s too darn fast. For Pete’s sake, it’s blowing my crystalline figures right off my end table. For the love of all that good and right in the world, why can’t they make the speed match the settings?”
Vuve Klistoff found a concrete bunker with a tunnel entrance buried in his backyard.
“WHAT the heck is that thing?” he said to his wife.
“I mean, what THE heck is that thing?” he repeated.
“Seriously, what the HECK is that thing?” he persisted.
“Really, what the heck IS that thing?” he spouted.
“I have to know. What the heck is THAT thing?” he continued.
“I’m not kidding! What the heck is that THING?” he implored.
A man found a human head in his vegetable crisper yesterday. I called to find out how this happened.
“How did a human head get in your refrigerator?”
“I have no idea. It was in the crisper drawer. I never open the crisper.”
“So how did you find it.”
“Well, you could see something was in there because the floor piece of the fridge is translucent. I thought it was a big onion. I didn’t open it up with the head in there because I never open that drawer. Usually stuff is in there for 11 or 12 months before I just toss it.”
“Alright, are you just going to toss this head?”
“I think I better call the police and tell them. Maybe they have a special phone line with instructions on what to do.”
In the 1780s, French priest Yves-Michel Marchais told his congregation:
“The joys, the pleasures, the happiness of life are always dangerous and almost always fatal; the games, laughter and amusements of the world are like the mark of damnation and are gifts given to us by God in his anger. Whereas tears and suffering are the signs of God’s pity and a certain promise of salvation.”
– Parole de Dieu et Révolution. Les sermons d’un curé angevin avant et pendant la guerre de Vendée.
Gee, Yves-Michel, I don’t think you are going to enjoy our up coming neighborhood block party. We’ve got three kegs on order. Denny, the family dentist over on Woltham St., (he did all our kid’s braces) is even going to play some rock tunes with his garage band. You better stay home.
Listen, you might feel good about cleaning the house, but the truth is you left a lot undone. Is this how you go through life — half-assing it? Well, cut it out and get these areas clean now.
Mop The Roof
Get up there with a mop and clean those roof shingles. What would your guests think?
Dust The Rafters in the Attic
Did you dust the rafters one by one? No? What’s the matter with you? You can’t keep taking shortcuts in life.
Sponge Off the Grass
Did you get up close to every blade of grass on the lawn and give them a nice sponging? Why not? Get out there and get to work.
Powerwash the Dog
Did you spray down the dog with a powerwash from the local car wash? It’s the only way that mutt is going to get clean.
Wipe Down The Underside of the Fridge
Did you lift the fridge with a jack and get under these with a damp cloth? Come on, friend, we all expect better of you.
Stan has a lot of tools. Tons of tools. Tools you’ve never seen before.
“What’s this one?” I asked, holding up what looked like a giant leather stamper.
“That’s for hitting squirrels when you are working high on telephone poles.”
“Did you used to work on telephone poles?”
“No, that one was in the garage of a house we bought. But I might use it someday.”
“How about this one?”
“That’s a hook-crooker. You can use it to hook on to lines and slide down them during tornado emergencies.”
“Have you ever had any threats of tornadoes?”
“No, but statistically that means we are due.”
Not exactly, I thought.
“How about this thing-a-bob?”
“That’s a jerk wrench. You can use it do spinners on bolts that are construed figuratively rather than in-line.”
I had no idea what that meant. But if you need some kind of tool, Stan is the man.
Sure, you’ve used duct tape before, but have you ever used the neon lime green version?
Let me ask you this: have you ever been riding your bicycle home late at night wearing a dark-colored hoodie, dark jeans and dark shoes? No one can see you. An accident is more than likely.
But if you had wrapped your torso, arms, head and legs in neon lime green duct tape, motorists could see you coming from the next county.
Or have you ever been walking through a crowd, and people continually cut in front of you, jostle you or generally act as if you are not even there?
Those days are over when you wear a suit made of Duck Brand Neon Lime Green tape. You will cut a swath in front of you, people moving apart like Moses parting the Red Sea, and you will be able to move forward with confidence and clarity.
Or consider this scenario: let’s say you’re in a class, perhaps a freshman level class at college, and there are over 500 other students in the room. You want to get noticed so you can ask relevant questions, but you get lost in the sea of fresh shiny faces.
The solution is to mark your territory with this neon lime green tape, creating a visual attractor that will help the professor lock onto you and recognize your intellectual curiosity, reward you with good grades and promote you to teaching assistant after two weeks.
Here’s another situation. Let’s say you’ve been driving a 1969 Ford truck that is being held together by the rust that has covered its body.
You can ensure that your truck will last another 20 years, and get a low-cost auto body renovation by wrapping the entire vehicle in neon lime green duct tape. Your family will be amazed at the attention neighbors pay you when you drive down the street in your shiny new line green truck.
All of these things are possible from an inexpensive roll of this unbelievably valuable product. It is 15 yards long and 1.88 inches wide. Every single inch is the brightest neon lime green you’ve ever seen in your entire life on this planet.
Whatever you wrap with this effervescent product, you will attract a brightness, an aura around your being that will make you calmer, more vibrant and more alive than ever before.
I finally found the $8000 sink I’ve been looking for.