Tater Tots and the Swedish Police

In the news…

A thief took time to cook some tater tots and take a nap at a home he was burglarizing. The police served him justice in 60 seconds.

Vacationing Swedish police officers broke up a fight on the subway in New York City. They knocked them out with meatballs and then had a sauna.

A thief took advantage of a sleeping gas station attendant to drag out an entire cooler full of Good Humor ice cream treats. The thief got away, the attendant got coned.

China is starting to put the hammer down on prostitutes at funerals in rural villages. The government wants the farmers to concentrate on plowing the fields.

There has been a string of coyote sightings in Manhattan in the last year. The appearances closely match a similar series of roadrunner sightings.

Drexel University accidentally sent acceptance letters to 500 people that should not have received them. So please welcome Joe Ditzel, Drexel University class of 2019.

A man in Indiana had to be rescued after he wedged into a wall trying to escape the police. After his extraction, he told the cops he looked next to him inside the wall and was surprised to find Jimmy Hoffa.

A student in Washington state was suspended after he wore a fake bomb as part of his “promposal” pitch to ask a young woman to the dance. Though the joke was a dud, the school board tried to defuse the outcry, calling his tactic explosive and incendiary.

The Death Watch and Topless Sunbathing

In the news…

Tikker is a watch that uses your health history to give you a countdown on how much time you have left to live. Right now, I have 12 hr:37 min.

The inventor of the selfie stick says when he introduced it in 1983 it was a flop. He was going to comment on its wild popularity now, but he was recently murdered.

Gwyneth Paltrow is divorcing Chris Martin 12 months after their “conscious uncoupling.” She said she would rather divorce than have to listen to any more Coldplay.

A Michigan woman received a multi-year jail sentence for firing a gun at a McDonald’s after her hamburger came out without bacon twice in a row. Only two days later, another woman thew a grenade into a McDonald’s because her burger was missing the pickles.

Officials of the Venice section of Los Angeles want to allow topless sunbathing. To ease resident’s fears, they say there would be no topless sunbathing allowed by minors, Scottish people or William Shatner.

A dad used a drone to follow his daughter to school to ensure her safety. His wife used the same drone to follow him to his mistress’ apartment.

Google has a new wireless service that pays you back for data you don’t use. I wish they would reimburse me for my time trying to make sense of Google+.

A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by shooting it eight times with a revolver. Amazingly, the PC turned on but still locked up when he tried to play Solitaire.

A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by unloading 8 rounds into it. Sadly, tech support finally returned his call 10 minutes later.

Microsoft is bringing back the popular game Solitaire for Windows 10. Games that didn’t make the cut include “Microsoft Office – Last Stand of a Fading Giant” and “Microsoft – The Next Altavista.”

Perils of Becoming a Stand-Up Comedian in Your 50s

Going full time with your stand-up in your 50s is interesting. Your friends all have lives, homes, kids. “Joe, we just bought a house on Siesta Key. Our daughter is Summa Cum Laude at Northwestern and our son just invented time travel.”

“Really, I just had a killer set about salad dressing in the basement of a dive bar near Ohio State. What do you think of that?”

Los Angeles Comedy Roast – The Roastmaster – Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is your Los Angeles Roastmaster. A member of the Friars Club, Joe learned the roast game from the pros- the guys that started it all.

Don’t give another lame gift this year.

Give a roast!

Call 213-536-7177 or email direct at [email protected] with your information- person being roasted, date and number of people in the audience. I’ll give you a custom quote for the party you will never forget- a Comedy Roast!

Comedian – Southern California

Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Southern California Comedian

Joe Ditzel is perfect comedy entertainment for golf your Southern California outing, banquet or convention. As the author of "Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems" Joe will keep your group laughing. Call 213-536-7177 or email [email protected] for booking availability.

Joe has performed for thousands of audiences and looks forward to performing for your Southern California group.

Meet Joe Ditzel

Reviews and Testimonials

Finally Played Golf Again

Finally played golf again for the first time in a long time. I had to go to the Airport Post Office so I decided to shoot over to Westchester Golf Course for some late afternoon hacking. I had never seen the three new holes added back in February. The did a really good job. ( http://www.dailybreeze.com/news/ci_14320462 ) . Plus the clubhouse is remodeled. All in all some nice changes.

Holiday Entertainment- Joe Ditzel Comedian

Holiday Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Comedian

Meet Joe Ditzel

Reviews and Testimonials

Joe Ditzel is perfect entertainment for your company holiday party. Joe is a veteran comedian who has performed thousands of times for corporate events, colleges and private parties. As the author of “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems,” Joe will keep your group in stitches with clean comedy! Call 213-536-7177 or email [email protected] for booking availability.

Corporate Entertainment – Joe Ditzel – Technology Comedian

Corporate Entertainment – Joe Ditzel – Technology Comedian

As the author of “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems With Technology” and “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems Remembering Technology Jokes.” Joe is the perfect speaker for your conference, convention or division meeting.

Call 213-536-7177 or email [email protected] for booking information.

 

Meet Joe Ditzel

Reviews and Testimonials

 

 

Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Golf Comedian

Corporate Entertainment- Joe Ditzel- Golf Comedian

Joe Ditzel is perfect entertainment for golf outings, banquets and conventions. As the author of “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems on the Golf Course,” and “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems Remembering Golf Jokes,” Joe will keep your group in stitches with his tales of life on the course.

A long time hacker and lover of the game, Joe knows golf inside out. Audiences identify with his stories because they have all been there–slashing, hacking and four-putting their way through another broken round.
 

Call 213-536-7177 or email [email protected] for booking availability.

Joe has performed for thousands of audiences and looks forward to performing for your group.

Meet Joe Ditzel

Reviews and Testimonials

Back to Pain

 

I woke up and felt the pain in my back immediately. What am I doing in my sleep that my lower back muscles tighten up like security outside Pamela Anderson’s dressing room?  I get this weird lower back lock every once in a while so it felt familiar. From experience I knew that there was really little I could do – it takes 5 to 14 days to work itself out.  But I went online anyway for a miracle cure and I may have found it- tennis balls:

http://saveyourself.ca/articles/tennis-ball.php

I put a tennis ball on the ground and laid my back on it and rolled around. Wow! It felt great and my back was back in shape in two days.

By the way, what is The Kong Dog Toy? Sounds like a punk band from China.

If you have a bad back, try the tennis ball thing.

And here is an inside secret I developed- take a racquetball with you in the car and lean your back against it.  Instant massage- For 3 bucks at Walmart for a sleeve of 3 racquetballs.

If you really get into this tennis ball massage therapy you might want to make this:

http://www.instructables.com/id/Tennis-Ball-Chair/

Or even this:

http://gizmodo.com/278729/tennis-balls-make-ballsy-benches

Let me know if you do.

Joe Ditzel Gift Guide

For my birthday last year, a couple of relatives said to me, “I didn’t know what to get you, so here is a gift certificate.”

To eliminate any doubt about what to get me, I have created the Joe Ditzel Gift Guide. I welcome any of these great gifts:

* Ferrari F355 Spider Convertible- $140,000. If you buy this car for me I’ll thank you with a coupon for a free Jiffy Lube. Every body needs a good Jiffy Lube now and then.

* Tour of American Strip Clubs- forget the Bike Ride Across Iowa or the African Safari for adventure vacations. I want to tour America’s Finest Strip Clubs with a big stack of 20’s.

* I’ll start with the Cheetah III in Atlanta. Round of Golf with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nucleus and Alice Cooper – as a golfer it is my dream to play golf with Arena and Jack. As far as Alice, I want a chance to win back some of the money I spent from my paper route on “School’s Out” and “Billion Dollar Babies” in the 70’s.

* Case of Makers Mark Bourbon- Makers Mark has the greatest ad slogan ever: “Tastes expensive. And is.” Makes Jack Daniel taste like bourbon strained through old socks.

* Hair- my hair is receding from my temples and meeting in the middle, leaving an island of hair in the front. If you look close, you can see Gilligan and the Skipper waving. I look forward to your gift of a case of Rogaine.

* Heidi Klum.

I’ll add to the list as I think of things. However, you do not need to wait until my birthday to send me any of these items.