3 Vital Friends You Need to Survive in the Modern World

Sure, you rely on your wits and cunning to succeed and prosper. But you can’t go it alone and survive long term. Here are three key friends you should have on your team.

The Sarge

The Sarge will come and get you out of prison in a foreign country, even if it is a dangerous place like Canada. In real life, the Sarge is over-caffeinated, over-testoneroned and over-the-top. But when you need someone to find you in a desolate area and spirit you back to the land of Double Cheeseburgers and Kardashians, this is your guy. When they get the call, they will be out the door with a Bowie Knife, rubbing alcohol, and two cyanide pills (just in case).

The Fixer

Got into trouble with the IRS because you deducted your bicycle as an investment? Made a bad decision and now somebody’s spouse wants you gone? The Fixer knows how to take care of it. Tell them the situation and within 24 hours you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

The Rolodex

Need to get a reservation at that hot new restaurant, but can’t get anyone on the phone? Did a major tech company cut you off because you posted a naked picture on the beach in Obiza, and now you are going through social media withdrawals? The Rolodex is connected to every CEO, bus boy, taxi driver, top attorney and film director in town. Everybody. Just don’t abuse the contact. Don’t ask them to get your kid into a great college if the little runt spent the whole time in high school smoking in their Camaro and selling stolen tests out of the trunk.

Lifehacks From The Burnouts You Used To Hang Around in High School

Courtesy Kyle Szegedi via Unsplash
Courtesy Kyle Szegedi via Unsplash

Remember those burnouts you used to hang around in high school with? Well, you may have turned in your jean jacket, brushed your teeth and sold your Camaro with a giant eagle on the hood. But those guys stayed the same.

Here’s the funny thing: you are all stressed out from work, the rat race and trying to get ahead. Meanwhile, your burnout friends are happier than they’ve ever been. Here are seven life hacks you can learn from them.

Tailgate Hard

If you think tailgating only takes place the day of the game, you are sadly mistaken. Proper tailgating begins on the Thursday night before the game when you plan the menu of Pressure Cooker Chili, Charleston Cheese Dip, and Six-Alarm Ragu-Stuffed Peppers. And beer. Lot and lots of beer.

Sleep In

Why in the heck are you getting up at 5 AM to be the first person at work? You’re not fooling anybody. You’re going to die at your desk at the age of 40.

Sleep in my friend, watch those episodes of Sons of Anarchy that you missed. Take a stroll around the block, talk to your neighbor, let the dog run in that open lot near your house that never seems to sell, play some pickup basketball for 30 minutes. Then, and only then, should you go to work.

Lose A Mentor

Forget about finding a mentor. Mentors will only tell you how they did it. You need to find your own way. The only way to do that is to not have any preconceived notions on how things should be done. Dump your mentors, tap your inner muse, and blaze a trail.

Don’t Be a Try-Hard

Eager beavers get killed. Don’t be a try-hard. You know the type – the busybody scurrying around trying to look cool and cozying up to superiors. Relax, dude. Have a smoke. All of that toadying is draining the manhood out of you.

Forget about Goals

Goals are for suckers. People that live in the real world know that life rarely goes the way you want it to. It’s okay to have a big picture in mind for what you want to do in life. But writing down 10-year, five-year, one-year, three-months, one-month, weekly and daily goals is monotonous, useless and ill-advised.

Lose the Time Management

Are you scheduling every minute and every second of every day so you are utilizing your time to its maximum? You, my friend, have lost the plot.

By overscheduling and trying to be a time management guru, you’re setting yourself up for a massive heart attack and a long stay in hospital. Just think of it this way: you won’t have to schedule your time in the hospital, they’ll handle it for you!

Four Hours of Sleep At Night Is Not Enough

I know, I know. You are an achievement machine! You get more done each day than most people do before 9 AM. Isn’t that how the old Army advertisement went?

You love driving to work in the dark and turning on the lights at the office. You’ve only had four hours sleep, and you feel like $1 million. Yes, you had six cups of coffee just stay to awake for the drive in, and you will drink another 18 cups before the day is over. You find it hard to sleep from the caffeine throbbing through your veins, but hey, isn’t that the mark of a champion?

Listen, you BMW-driving, MBA-having, custom-suit wearing knucklehead. Your burnout friends from high school can teach you a lot. The only problem is you won’t be able to hear what they are saying because you are too busy listening to real estate investment tapes on your iPad.

Crazy Walkers

We need rules for walking–traffic rules of the road for moving around on your feet. Why? Because these crazy people don’t know how to walk with other people and objects around them:

Mr. Elevator-Yeller

They run at any open elevator, knocking people over, yelling at the top of their lungs “HOLD THE ELEVATOR.”

Side-to-Side Guy

Side-to-Side Guy rambles down the sidewalk, often on the phone, drifting from one side of the sidewalk to the other, oblivious of people trying to walk around them.

Must-Pass-You Guy

You are in between Must-Pass-You Guy and the building he wants to enter. He could easily slow his walking pace, drop behind you and other people on the sidewalk, and head into his building. Instead, he speeds up his walk in a dramatic huffing stride, and pulls a hard turn in front of everyone else at the last minute.

Goodbye-Back-Spinner Guy

Goodbye-Back-Spinner Guy gets dropped off from a car onto the sidewalk in front of you. He walks backward facing the car, waving goodbye, oblivious of the people walking past, and then spins around and walks forward in the same direction, unaware of the people crashing into each other so they don’t run into him.

Clogger-Conversationalist Gal

Clogger-Conversationalist Gal stops to do a “meet and greet” with friends or acquaintances right in the middle of the highest traffic areas around town: the entrance to a busy grocery store or restaurant, at the door as church lets out or standing near the doors as people leave work at the end of the day. She clogs these busy areas with no clue she is backing up traffic for blocks.

Congratulations! You Made It!

What I mean is–you made it this far! Do you have any idea what you have been through in your life?

20-Year-Old

If you are in your 20s, this is what you’ve been through:

Government shutdowns.
Hurricanes.
Major earthquakes.
275,000 times Jerod appeared on Subway commercials.
New buildings built.
Christmas advertising starting on the day after halloween

30-Year-Old

If you are in your 30s, this is what you’ve been through.

40-Year-Old

If you are in your 40s, this is what you’ve been through.

50-Year-Old

If you are in your 50s, this is what you’ve been through.

60-Year-Old

If you are in your 60s, this is what you’ve been through.

70-Year-Old

If you are in your 70s, this is what you’ve been through.