At the races

Bought A Car and Then Lost Your Job? Here is What To Do

Did you just buy a car and then find out you are getting laid off? No problem – here are 5 options you can choose from.

1. Take it back to Nordstrom. They take everything back.

2. Use the car to get a job at Uber. Use a wireless headset while working at Uber to search for a new job.

3. Melt the car down into 4 blocks of steel and rubber, sell them as modern art for $50,000 each.

4. Sell the car to your neighbor. To sweeten the deal, tell him you’ll throw in his edge-trimmer you borrowed three years ago and never returned.

5. Drive the car at high speed through the streets of the city, head out to the cliffs outside of town, shoot off the cliff at 120mph, leap from the car at the last minute, tell the insurance company it had faulty brakes.

At the races

7 Things The World’s Richest People Don’t Even Think About Doing

Wanna be rich? You have to think rich. Or better yet, act rich. Here are seven things rich people never do.

1. Paint giant letters on their bodies in sub-zero temps at ball games.

2. Rush through Walmart yelling, “Where the thongs be at?”

3. Saving left over bits of wire over 20 years and shaping them into transistor radios.

4. Asking to see the secret menu. Rich people ask for the Double Secret menu.

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5. Holding eye contact with dogs.

6. Asking strange people to donate to a charity called you.

7. Cold-calling homeowners at dinner-time and saying, “Sir, these are the very last vegetable launchers in stock. Do you want one or not??!!”

$12 Million Dollar Lottery Winner Plans To Stay At Waitress Job

A waitress in Minneapolis named Ruby said she would keep working her waitress job after recently winning $12 million in the lottery.

Her boss says he is not surprised. He said if you are having fun at work, why change?

Okay, well said, but I can think of 12 million reasons to change.

One week later, her husband nailed an amazing $100 million in the Powerball Lottery. She laughed when I called her and asked if she was going to quit. “Now, Joe, that just shows you don’t know me from a hole in the ground. Of course, I’m going to keep right on working here, silly! These are the people I love.

“Now, I did change my name tag to a solid gold one with my name spelled out in rubies, diamonds and emeralds. It cost me $10 million to get it like I like it, but, hoooowiieeee, Lord, let me tell you, it sparkles like those twinkly lights George puts on our rain gutters at Christmas! But no, I’m not going to change. I’m going to keep on being the same Ruby everybody loves. They love Ruby and I love them because they are like my children. These customers are like my kids. I’ve waited on them so long I’ve seen them grow up and I’ve seen their kids grow up, too. They come in here and eat our eggs and bacon and everything.”

Two weeks later, the couple were notified they were descendants of a Swedish King whose last remaining relative in Sweden died. That meant they were the sole heirs of an estate worth $450 million dollars. Again I asked her if she was going to quit and she laughed it off. “Heck no, Joe, this job is MY LIFE. Now, I don’t actually talk to the customers anymore.

“I sit in the back of the joint in an small 40-story office building I put back there. My office is on the penthouse floor. I have a staff that gets the orders from my dearest customers that love and could never abandon in a million, million years, and then I wave to them from a small digital screen built into that little mtetal menu holder that stores the Splenda and Equal packets. I wave to them and they look kind of confused but some of them are getting up there in years and get confused like.

“Sometimes I see them at the Walmart, for example, and I wave from my Lamborghini Veneno Roadster I picked up used for $4 million. It goes 0-62mph in 2.9 seconds, so I always tell my boss I never have an excuse to be late. Unless its winter. You ever see the winters around here, Joe? Every spring when the snow melts we find 10 or 12 people frozen in place that we wondered what happened to them. Anyway, no I am not going to quit my waitress job. I love it! I love my customers, I love my boss and I love my job!”

Couple Wins Lottery Three Times in One Month

A couple in Virginia won the lottery three times in March 2014.

First, they won $1 million in the Powerball lottery.

Two weeks later they grabbed $50,000 by nailing a Pick 4. The very next day, they bookended the first $1 million with another $1 million from a Scratcher.

Some people are just lucky?

On the way home from picking up the second million dollars, the couple turned off the freeway minutes before there was a 1000-car pile-up.

Later they stopped for lunch at a McDonald’s. Five minutes after getting back on the road, the McDonald’s was destroyed by a meteorite.

Halfway back to their hometown, they found an entire river town covered in 10 feet of water. No cars could get through. As they started to turn back, a gentleman with long hair and a staff stretched out his arms, and the river parted itself. They were able to get home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Pulling into their neighborhood, they noticed a strange van in front of their house. The husband was getting ready to call the cops when a group of people burst from the van with a huge bouquet of balloons and a giant check for $10 million. They were the latest winners in the Publishers Clearinghouse Giveaway.

Later that night, with the giant check leaning up against the fireplace, the husband said, “Mama, we sure are lucky.”

“You got that right, Papa,” she said. “Praise the Lord.”

At the races


I just read a story with some poetic justice. In Boston, Mary Grasso, a nanny for a Boston multi-millionaire, won the $197,000,000 Big Game lottery. She now has more money than her employer.

“Oh, Mary, could you serve the aperitif?”

“No, why don’t YOU serve the aperitif? And light my cigarette, you punks, and listen up. Because I’m going to go over some of the changes around here.”

At least she bought her own ticket. Be careful if your friends at work talk about “sharing the winnings”. A waitress at a Waffle House in Alabama won $10,000,000 in the lottery. The winning ticket came from a customer who regularly gave out lottery tickets as tips. Four other co-workers, whose tickets did not win, claim they should share in the $10,000,000 because they always said that “if any one of them hit, they would split.” Well, one of them hit. And she wants to split, all right-to a big house on a hill away from her “friends”.

In 1998, 13 Ohio machinists won Powerball’s biggest prize ever- $297,000,000. They purchased the tickets in Indiana where Powerball is played. The group regularly pooled their money for lotteries. One guy dropped out of their “Lucky 13” club three months before the group hit the jackpot. He said that even though he wasn’t in the group when they won, he’s not bitter or jealous. He said he knew they would take care of him.

“Uh, sure, we’ll take care of you. Here, dude, here’s $10. Have fun down at the all you can eat buffet.”

Most lotteries aren’t worth $297,000,000. If you do get into a lottery pool, limit the people involved. You don’t want to hit a million dollar lottery and end up with a share of $350. “Hey, I won the lottery. I’m going to go buy some stamps.”

It seems like people don’t get excited about a lottery until there is at least $20,000,000 to be won. “What? Only $10,000,000 this week? Forget it. That would barely cover the down payment on my yacht.”

People say they would avoid the media spotlight if they won. It is true that every scavenger from here to Athens, Ohio would come out of the woodwork to hit you up for their “cause”. But I think most people would not stay in hiding. They would want to meet with the media. So they could look in the camera and say, “we were very lucky”, which means, “Nah, nah, nah, nah, we won $100,000,000 and you didn’t! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, who won $100,000,000? Oops, it was ME! Me, me, me, me, me! I won and you didn’t!”

What is the first thing you would buy with all that cash? A new car? A big house? A yacht? An airline mechanic in Montana told the press the first thing he was going to get was a chainsaw.

“Hey you are our lucky lotto winner! What are you going to do now?

“Uh, I’m going to Wal-Mart to get a chainsaw.”

A chainsaw? Listen, Lumpy, you can buy the chainsaw company.