City Or Country? A Home Buying Guide

Are you a city mouse or a country mouse? In this home buying guide, I’ll help you determine where you should look for your next home.

Do want a crazy nightlife?

Is your idea of a wild night watching “Two Broke Girls” on your antenna TV while sipping ice tea made with those giant raspberries from Tom’s Grocery with a little Russian potato vodka to give it an extra kick? You are a country mouse.

Do you like lots of lawn and yard space?

If you are comfortable living in a 230-square foot box with roaches and bedbugs, just so you can walk down to the local club to see the latest indie band play their college radio hits like, “Record Deals Are Death,” you are a city mouse.

Do you want it calm and quiet?

If you’d rather walk along your expansive porch, admiring the fireflies while Steely Dan plays softly out of open windows, you are a country mouse. If you like the sounds of tires screeching on pavement in the distance while you wait for the crunch of steel and glass, you are a city mouse.

Do you want to be close to work?

If you don’t mind driving 95 miles just to get to the cow manure conversion plant because it’s the only gainful employment in the area, you are a country mouse. If you don’t mind driving 95 miles from your suburban home to a job you hate in the city, the whole time thinking this is the only time you have alone to decompress from your crazy boss and crazier family, you are a city mouse.

Are you going to add to your family?

If you are have four kids who sleep on a quadruple-decker bunk bed you made out of scrap iron you found in trash bins on your street, and you have plans to build another one for your next four kids, you are a city mouse. If you already have eight kids, and are planning on building an dorm next to your barn to handle eight more to help with chores around the farm, you are a country mouse.

7 Reasons Why “For Sale By Owner” is A Horrible Idea

“Hey!” you say to yourself. “Why should I pay a real estate agent a commission. I can just sell my house myself!”

Now, listen, champ. This is a really bad idea. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Your property is worth $500,000, yet you’ve valued it at $17 million. Confidence!

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2. What, you didn’t realize all the liability is on you? Wait until your new buyer finds out you bought your “Chinese Lamps from the Ming Dynasty” from the local Chinese restaurant when the owner sold the place.

3. It’s not uncommons for FSBO buyers to get a raw deal. Like when they find out there is a new nuclear reactor going in next door.

4. Did you know For Sale By Owner houses sell for less on average? That’s because you don’t know what you are doing. It’s like letting you operate on your brain because you are good with tools.

5. FSBOs tend to stay longer on the market. You know those flowers you bought to improve the “staging.” Yeah, better open a long-term account with the garden center.

6. Who you gonna call? What happens if a UFO shoots a laser beam into your house, exploding the kitchen? There goes the closing! Now who you gonna call? Your cousin who handles cases for deadbeat dads?

7. Mo money, mo marketing problems. It’s tough to market a FSBO. Sure, you can get a listing on the MLS, but what right-thinking agent is going to show a house that has no income attached? None. Zilch. Nada. That leaves yard signs, tear-off phone numbers at the supermarket, sandwich boards and sky-writing. Or maybe sky-diving while wearing a sandwich board, shooting a video of it, and posting it to YouTube.

Don’t do it. Get an agent.

Action Star Lists Hollywood Hills Home

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

A major Hollywood action star has listed his Hollywood Hills home on the market. He purchased it when his career was beginning, and now that he is known throughout the world, he is upgrading to bigger digs higher up the hill.

“I’m doing better now, so I feel the need to live higher on the hill. Actually, I’m fine here, but perception is reality.”

The charming home is listed at $40,500,000 — he purchased it last year for $750,000. “It’s a premium, for sure,” the agent said. “But we are talking a major star here.”