We couldn’t even start lunch before she was ripping off my Wayne Gretzky “500th goal” replica jersey.
When you know you have to raise your Tinder game.
The Tinder dating app is amazingly popular. It just logged its 50 millionth match, and continues to climb in popularity.
With that much activity, you can bet there are some cheesy pick up lines from guys to women. Here are 5 of the worst.
1. On a scale of 1 to Crockpot, how much do you simmer?
2. What did you study in school, how to build fires?
3. I heard you were looking for a knight in shining armor. I use Armor-All on my car’s interior.
4. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven into my left ventricle.
5. Guess what I’m wearing? Nothing but my favorite cologne – Eau du Peanut Butter.
Would you like to name a cockroach after your loved one? Well, now you can!
The Bronx Zoo is allowing people to name one of their ten thousand or so Madagascar cockroaches after their loved one. You give them 10 bucks and they’ll give you a digital certificate that certifies that one of their cockroaches is named after your Valentine.
For $25 you can get a printed certificate and they’ll throw in some free chocolates from a local confectionery — that’s just an added bonus. Hey, good ideas from the Bronx Zoo to get people involved. I think this what they should do since they’re using their sense of humor to get people to name cockroaches after their Valentine: For $100, the Bronx Zoo will unload a BOX of cockroaches into the home of your EX.
That might be their best seller.
Sex is an intimate act between you and your lover. Don’t ruin it with any of these after-party antics.
1. Do not stand on one side of the room and applaud your partner.
2. Do not stand in the window buck nekkid while you order a pizza.
3. Do not wrap yourself in the blankets and start reciting quotes from Dr. Zhivago.
4. Do not weep uncontrollably.
5. Do not turn on the TV and start checking sports scores against your wagers, crying out, “The Broncos! Those damn Broncos cost me again!”
A local man leaves his supervisor job at a local food factory every day at noon to eat lunch overlooking the site of a long lost junior high romance.
“She was my first love,” he explained. “How can I ever let that go?”
The windswept beach is even more misty and romantic in his mind than it is today. “It was different then. We’d walk this beach for hours without seeing a soul. Now you have vagrants out here all day and night. Don’t these people have jobs?”
He crumpled the wax paper he had wrapped his sandwich in and threw it into the Scooby-Doo Lunch Box she gave him for his birthday. It has a little rust on it now, but it still works.
Tyson searched his phone for a date for Saturday night. His friend from an old job was in town with his wife and insisted they all go out on the town.
“Helen? Linda? Becky? Sandra?” he said to himself as he scrolled through the names.
“Boring. Medicated. Picky. Drunk…” he mumbled as his finger stopped on photo after photo in his iPhone.
He told himself he really, really needed to meet some new women.
He almost forgot about her. There was her smiling face and the number.
There are some very clear signs your significant other and you are heading for the rocks. Take heed.
Your SO can’t tear themselves away from Netflix to shower, eat or go to work.
You come home to find your SO violently bashing the toaster oven in the wall because it won’t broil correctly.
You SO is having lengthy email conversations with someone in the Nigerian royal family who just needs them to hold $375,000,000 for a short time.
Be careful if ALL your friends disapprove of your SO. This is especially true if your SO offers to pay them to say good things.
Do you catch your SO talking to themselves at all hours of the day and night? Get the divorce papers ready.
If your SO suddenly becomes a fan of golf on TV, things have gone horribly wrong. Nothing is more boring than golf on TV.
Is your SO buying those cheese packages with slices that are each wrapped individually? Sorry, it’s over.
Relationships are tough. Watch for these signs that your SO is losing interest. Or just losing their mind in general.
Every September couples have these same fights. Come on, kids, let’s turn down the fighting and learn to get along.
It doesn’t matter that every football game in the known universe is televised now. Every week, the game she wants to watch is on the same time as the game he wants to watch.
Sure, Halloween is weeks away, but they know they better get started on a costume strategy. He says they should go as Ohio State Buckeyes and she wants to be characters from Frozen.
He says they should keep the leaves in a pile so the dog can jump in them like the crazy animal he is. She just wants to throw them over the fence into the neighbor’s yard.
She wants to start adding blankets to the bed because “it’s getting colder.” He says it is still 95 during the day and the extra blankets are sending his body temperature to 115.
The dog should be fed at the same hour, right? I mean, even considering the days are getting shorter. Does he care. He does not.
He wants to catch two more rock shows before the football season really heats up. She lost her enthusiasm for rock festivals when it rained at that Zydeco show in early August.
He wants her to buy regular Aspirin due to his knee injury from when he returned 7 punts for touchdowns in the same game his senior year, getting tacked on the final run just as he cleared the goal line and put his school into the state finals. She says he should switch to low-dose.
She wants to go to the Spirit Night promotions to support the local hockey team. He says their time is better spent jogging so they can both lose the 20 pounds they’ve gained together in the last year.
These arguments are so common in America, the Obama Administration has formed a committee to investigate solutions. I say everybody just chill, and things will work out.
Sex can be good and it can be bad.
Meaning I can be bad sometimes.
OK, most of the time.
Either way, you’ll ruin your romantic interludes for sure if you don’t avoid these things right before sex.
Jors Grodirlssonas was bummed that none of his friends were able to attend his bachelor party.
“All their flights got cancelled. I believe them. They are good mates.”
“I live in a remote area and the flights are sketchy in good weather,” he laughed.
“Nobody came to give me shots. So I drank them myself.”
“No one in town even came over. So I sang bawdy songs by myself.”
“We were going to drink shots in the bars of my little town. OK, it’s one bar. But no one came to drink with me. So I put on naughty hats and sang and drank.”
“I celebrated alone in my house on the mountain.”
“This is my little brother. He felt bad for me, but he couldn’t have shots. He’s too young.”
She’s perfect for you. But will you drop the ball when you get naked? Here’s what to do.
Put your ear on their stomach and say loudly, “I can hear the ocean!”
Anticipation starts well before the date. Send her text messages like, “Your hair reminds me of the soft, silky carpet remnants on sale this weekend at Rug Barn.”
It wouldn’t kill you to add a few words here and there to tell her how you feel. Say, “Eureka!” or “Nailed It” when you feel passion.
Don’t touch your partner like you are grabbing dollar bills out of the swirling air during the Cash Grab Booth game at the State Fair.
Nobody likes a stressful experience. Take the pressure off. Laugh loudly and say, “This is really neat!”
Your silent routine may work on the golf course, but here you actually need to talk to another human being. Ask her how she feels. Say, “How is this working for you?” and demand an answer. “You must tell me now!”
What, you have to catch a cab? Cuddle with her. Say things like, “That was great. I particularly liked your idea of recreating the 1967 Super Bowl. Ingenious.”