Would you like to name a cockroach after your loved one? Well, now you can!
The Bronx Zoo is allowing people to name one of their ten thousand or so Madagascar cockroaches after their loved one. You give them 10 bucks and they’ll give you a digital certificate that certifies that one of their cockroaches is named after your Valentine.
For $25 you can get a printed certificate and they’ll throw in some free chocolates from a local confectionery — that’s just an added bonus. Hey, good ideas from the Bronx Zoo to get people involved. I think this what they should do since they’re using their sense of humor to get people to name cockroaches after their Valentine: For $100, the Bronx Zoo will unload a BOX of cockroaches into the home of your EX.
A local man leaves his supervisor job at a local food factory every day at noon to eat lunch overlooking the site of a long lost junior high romance.
“She was my first love,” he explained. “How can I ever let that go?”
The windswept beach is even more misty and romantic in his mind than it is today. “It was different then. We’d walk this beach for hours without seeing a soul. Now you have vagrants out here all day and night. Don’t these people have jobs?”
He crumpled the wax paper he had wrapped his sandwich in and threw it into the Scooby-Doo Lunch Box she gave him for his birthday. It has a little rust on it now, but it still works.
Every September couples have these same fights. Come on, kids, let’s turn down the fighting and learn to get along.
Football Game on TV
It doesn’t matter that every football game in the known universe is televised now. Every week, the game she wants to watch is on the same time as the game he wants to watch.
Sure, Halloween is weeks away, but they know they better get started on a costume strategy. He says they should go as Ohio State Buckeyes and she wants to be characters from Frozen.
He says they should keep the leaves in a pile so the dog can jump in them like the crazy animal he is. She just wants to throw them over the fence into the neighbor’s yard.
She wants to start adding blankets to the bed because “it’s getting colder.” He says it is still 95 during the day and the extra blankets are sending his body temperature to 115.
Feed the Dog
The dog should be fed at the same hour, right? I mean, even considering the days are getting shorter. Does he care. He does not.
He wants to catch two more rock shows before the football season really heats up. She lost her enthusiasm for rock festivals when it rained at that Zydeco show in early August.
He wants her to buy regular Aspirin due to his knee injury from when he returned 7 punts for touchdowns in the same game his senior year, getting tacked on the final run just as he cleared the goal line and put his school into the state finals. She says he should switch to low-dose.
Hockey Spirit Nights
She wants to go to the Spirit Night promotions to support the local hockey team. He says their time is better spent jogging so they can both lose the 20 pounds they’ve gained together in the last year.
These arguments are so common in America, the Obama Administration has formed a committee to investigate solutions. I say everybody just chill, and things will work out.
She’s perfect for you. But will you drop the ball when you get naked? Here’s what to do.
Listen To Their Body
Put your ear on their stomach and say loudly, “I can hear the ocean!”
Anticipation starts well before the date. Send her text messages like, “Your hair reminds me of the soft, silky carpet remnants on sale this weekend at Rug Barn.”
Emote A Little, You Stoic
It wouldn’t kill you to add a few words here and there to tell her how you feel. Say, “Eureka!” or “Nailed It” when you feel passion.
Don’t touch your partner like you are grabbing dollar bills out of the swirling air during the Cash Grab Booth game at the State Fair.
Nobody likes a stressful experience. Take the pressure off. Laugh loudly and say, “This is really neat!”
Your silent routine may work on the golf course, but here you actually need to talk to another human being. Ask her how she feels. Say, “How is this working for you?” and demand an answer. “You must tell me now!”
What, you have to catch a cab? Cuddle with her. Say things like, “That was great. I particularly liked your idea of recreating the 1967 Super Bowl. Ingenious.”