You and I Have A Lot In Common

“Hey, LinkedIn tells me you and I have a lot in common,” said a new contact’s first LinkedIn message. “Real estate and squash!”

I’ve never shown interest in or purchased any real estate ever, and I’ve never played squash.

They might have well have said, “Hey, we have a shared interest in bridge building and pole vaulting.”

A few days later I received a second message: “Hey, if you don’t mind, I’m really busy, so I’m going to have my assistant take over for me from here.”

Who is this? Take over for what? Is this a new Russian hacking method?

And gee, you are too busy? So why are you wasting my time? Holy buckets.

The next day I received a mysterious text with a blind link, I’m guessing from the same person. The text, like all previous communication, says nothing about what they do, the value they offer or anything of interest to me.

Listen, if this is your idea of how to do social selling, they taught you wrong.

 

 

Crazy People Online: Mr. I-Need-Help-Hey-Screw-You

Mr. I-Need-Help-Hey-Screw-You is a peculiar crazy person you see in online forums and social media groups like Facebook Groups. He asks for help and then tells you to screw off when you lend a hand.

This is the scenario: He is distraught, at the end of his rope, wants some advice and direction. He rants in detail, explaining in endless paragraphs what he really wants and wondering why the Universe has conspired to block him from the goal. “Why? Why me? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” he cries.

So if I know how to help him, against my better judgement from painful previous experiences, I reach out to help. I offer suggestions, tips and insight. I address directly HIS stated concerns, laying out a possible plan.

Then he rails, “What are you talking about? This doesn’t help! I’m in pain! Hey, screw you!”

Oops, I went against my rule. I should have seen it a mile off. Never wade in to these forum threads. Never, ever, ever.

Yes, he has a problem, but he doesn’t really want help.

Not from me. Or anybody else.

 

7 Ways to Develop New Business on Social Media

Developing traffic, sales and clients for your business is easier than ever with social media. Use these seven ideas as often as possible to get the most out of this exciting commerce channel:

Send Instagram message such as, “Yo, you got any business for us over here?”

Join the maximum number of groups on LinkedIn in your niche, then send connection requests to every member of each group. Write it just like this with the blanks intact: “Dear _________. Thanks for connecting. I look forward to sharing many ___________ about our shared love of __________.”

Friend 10,000 people you don’t know on Facebook, get banned, then run Google ads that say, “How I Got Banned on Facebook and Generated $10,000,000!”

Post lots of pictures with you on a yacht with good-looking friends, exotic guns and stacks of cash. After the pictures are shot, pay off the actors and boat owner who you told you were making a rap music video.

Announce you have started a new LinkedIn clone called DollarDollarHollerforDollars.com.

Tweet the following message 490 times a day: “Hey, guys, quit avoiding the obvious. You know you like me, you really, really like me.”

Drive social media traffic to your site filled with useful content such as “7 Ways to Make Money While Fly-Fishing in Your Batman Underwear” and “How I Built a Fortune Selling Key Chains Made From Custom Braids of Renaissance Faire Maidens.”

Facebook Games: Bands I’ve Seen Live

If you are on Facebook, you have to suffer through a series of wacky memes and list games that come around, subside and move on to Twitter to die. The latest fad has posters list 10 bands they’ve seen live, except one is supposedly a lie. Others are to guess which one. How could this possibly be fun?

Prosecutor: Can you describe for the court the paper I’m handing to you right now?

Witness: It’s a list of bands I’ve seen live.

Prosecutor: For example?

Witness: Well…let’s see, Cheap Trick, Aerosmith…um, it was a long time ago…uh, here’s Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd…it goes on…

Prosecutor: So you’re saying you’ve seen ALL the bands on this list.
Witness: Yes.

Prosecutor: Are you SURE?

Witness: Wait…

Prosecutor (approaches witness stand): Isn’t one of these bands a LIE!

Witness: Well…

Prosecutor: Isn’t it TRUE you never saw Depeche Mode during their 2009-2010 world tour?

Witness: Well, everyone was talking about it, so I just went along. I mean…
(Crowd gasps. Judge bangs gavel on bench.)

Prosecutor: YOU JUST WENT ALONG? Isn’t it true you drove by the Hollywood Bowl, bought a t-shirt from a guy on a bike so later you could act like you were at the show? And then you drove straight home so you could be in bed by 9pm after walking the dog????

Witness: The thing is…

Prosecutor: Your honor, I submit this whole list is in question now, and this case should be DISMISSED!”

Don’t Do What I Just Told You To Do

I’ve noticed an annoying trend among video makers. Let’s say the title of their video is “Stop Recording Concerts With Your iPhone!” I record lot of things with my phone, so I want to learn about this — I click the video. Then I hear:

“What’s up with everyone recording concerts with their iPhone?? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not THAT GUY at the show that tells you put the phone down. No way! I think you should be able to record every show. I mean, how much were the tickets, right? Record the whole thing if you want! So I’m not saying stop recording concerts with your iPhone. That’s not what I’m saying.”

But that IS what you are saying. It’s right in the title.

Don’t backpedal now, son.

TV News Teams Dominate Facebook Live Videocasts

Facebook Live, the video service that allows anyone to broadcast live video to their followers, was introduced this week on the social media giant.

Facebook research indicates that a large percentage of the videocasts are from TV news teams updating what they had for breakfast, how their dog is doing after a bad accident and teasing the nightly newscast.

“We tease the news so viewers know which stories we are working on for the nightly newscast,” one news director said.

Asked why he just didn’t give the news on Facebook since they were already live with viewers, the news director begged off due to a breaking story.

I Will Never Do Pilates Again!

One of the odd things about social media is when people post a single thought with no context or explanation.

“I will never do Pilates again!” my Facebook friend wrote.

You are left to wonder why. Bad teacher? Bad experience? Pulled a muscle?

Their friends chime in.

“What happened?”

“Oh, no!”

“Are you alright?”

I don’t want to work to figure out your missives. Add a few more words so I get the gist. I still won’t respond, but now I know what I’m not missing.

7 Ways to Stand Out On Social Media as an Entrepreneur

Having a presence on social media is important for every entrepreneur. Here are seven ways you can use the different social platforms to create a bigger profile for yourself:

1. Post photos of yourself on Instagram riding a skateboard to your office wearing nothing but a Speedo.

2. Publish videos on YouTube where you explain your theory on how the human race is derived from an unholy marriage of space aliens and extras from Star Trek, the original TV series.

3. Join groups on LinkedIn and share your new business idea where you will go to door-to-door and ask homeowners if they would like to take advantage of your mobile pet spay and neuter service.

4. Start posting tweets on Twitter every 25 seconds. Each one will say the same thing: “I AM THE ONE.”

5. Create a Pinterest board called Good Ideas. Post 75 new ideas every day on ways each of us can help our fellow man. Your first new idea will be, “When you find a muscle car taking up two spaces in the parking lot during Christmas shopping season, tap into your spiritual self and set the car on fire.”

6. Open up a Facebook business page account called a Bad Business Ideas. Invite your fellow Facebookers to contribute horrible business ideas. Take the worst idea, build it into a successful business, and post your success story just to spite them.

7. Start a Snapchat profile, and begin to post photos of your dog doing nothing but taking a leak on cars in your neighborhood.

Use these simple ideas to make an immediate impact in social media. You will garner top of mind awareness among prospects and clients, rocketing your business to the top of the profit charts.

Periscoper Eats Breakfast and Burps During Livestream

Courtesy Florida Memory via Flickr FC
Courtesy Florida Memory via Flickr FC

 

Social media maven Aldo Markusy fired up the Periscope app on his smartphone and began talking to his followers. Periscope is an app that lets you “broadcast” live from your mobile device. No need to record video and then upload it to the Internet — just click and go!

The app has been out a few weeks now and people are getting comfortable with it. Aldo is so comfortable, for this “cast” he shared social media insight while eating breakfast. In between chewing, gulping and wiping his mouth, he coughed, sneezed and belched. The great thing about Aldo is he does all this live while you are watching — he’s keeping it real!