At the races

Beat Up and Broken

Riding through a sketchy area of LA, I stopped at the red light. Out of the shadows, four teenage boys with skateboards came up to my passenger door. All the doors and windows were closed.

The first kid looks at my phone in the holder on my dash. Later I surmised they thought I was an Uber driver or something. “Hey, man, can you give us a ride?”

Even if they thought I was an Uber car, did they think Uber hands out free rides?

“All the doors are broken,” I shrugged as I spoke loud enough to be heard through the shut windows.

He turned to his friends hanging back a half step. “He says the doors are all broken.”

Here’s the funny thing. The doors are indeed broken. You can’t open them, or you have to know exactly where to talk to them, like a stubborn mule, to get them to open. It is a true “beater with a heater.”

The biggest kid stepped forward, “Come on, man, give us a ride!”

Sure, no problem. I always let strangers in high crime areas get in my car late at night. Sounds like the beginning of a very special “Law and Order” episode. At one point one detective says to another, “But why would he let strangers in a high crime area in his car? It just DOESN’T ADD UP.”

“The doors are broken!” I repeated.

“Oh, man! The doors aren’t broken!”

As he says this, he reaches out and tries to open the passenger door.

It didn’t open.

It’s broken.

All the doors are broken. Like my heart after every relationship for the last 37 years.

The rear hatch door doesn’t open at all. It’s frozen in place. The same way my face was when Beth broke off our engagement in 1987.

“Yes, they ARE ALL BROKEN!” I repeated for the third time.

“Man, you got em all locked! You just don’t want to give us a ride!”

Well, they aren’t locked. They are broken.

But he was right with his last statement.



At the races

Ohio State vs. Michigan Fans Drunken Brawl | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Last year in Michigan, in July I think, two separate couples were riding the Jet Express, a commuter boat.

Two different couples — one was Ohio State fans and the other was Michigan fans.

It’s late at night on game day. Both are heading home.

They start talking.

Which eventually, somehow, escalates into an argument. Soon, the two women are pulling each other’s hair and, to defend their women, the men jump in, and start throwing punches. They start swinging — it’s not funny, stop laughing, you can’t be getting into fisticuffs.

But what started out as, I’m guessing, mild comments about the Ohio-State Michigan rivalry and who is better the better team, quickly escalated into a hair-pulling roundhouse swinging melee.

Here’s my question: How come it is always football?

How come you never hear about fans getting into hair pulling, fisticuff-flying melees about the college debate team? Or the badminton team. Or field hockey. It just doesn’t happen.

My guess is the people involved in the story had a few cocktails on the boat.

But you never hear about drunken melees because of the rivalry of the college field hockey teams.

Football team emotions run deep. Fan allegiances to their teams run deep, especially if they went to that college, or live in that city.

The guy who runs the Jet Express service told the newspapers he wasn’t shocked.

He said, well you know, people get passionate about their teams, and this particular scenario happened in the early morning hours, so he thought there were a few drinks involved.

Um, yeah.

At the races

Keith Apicary Boogies In Kimberly Cole Music Video Audition

Comedian Nathan Barnatt enlisted the help of his alter ego “Keith Apicary” to wow them in this famous audition for Kimberly Cole.

He was such a hit in this video Kimberly Cole invited him to appear in a real video, and it led to work for Michael Jackson among others.

At the races

How To Overcome A New Year’s Eve Hangover

Dancing Machine. That's what they called you at the New Year's Eve Party. You broke out every move in your arsenal. It was all fun and games until you crashed into the buffet table and took out the prime rib station.

Once again you over-indulged and you have a hangover on New Year's Day. Here are several ways to over come your throbbing headache:

1. Stick your head in the commode and constantly flush the water around your head. Pretend you are on holiday at a water park with your friends. This tip is convenient because you are probably already sitting next to the commode.

2. Sign up for an adventure cruise on a sailboat. Climb the mast. Tie a rope to your feet and dangle from the mast. Let the wind and breeze relax your throbbing temples.

3. Go to the convenience store and take a nap on the bags of party ice. You can also be helpful by handing out bags when customers need them.

4. Go through a car wash with the windows down. Really stick your head in the brush when it comes by and sing a tune. The singing and brushing will soothe your head.

5. Ride your bike real fast with your legs stuck out in front of you while making motorcycle sounds. Pump your wrist like it is a motorcycle accelerator. Stitch a motorcycle gang logo on your back and get some tattoos. By the time you've finished with these tasks the hangover will be gone.