Woah, Woah, Sir! That’s Not My Stuff!

“Can I have three pounds of bacon?” an elderly man asked the cashier, as if the checkout lane was a restaurant and she was taking orders for his table.

“Sir, you’ll have to go back and get it. I can’t leave my station,” she said.

He moved slowly around the cash registers in pursuit of the missing meat.

“I paused his sale. Let me ring you up since you only have a few items,” she nodded to me.

Sweet.

I ambled around the man’s cart as she rung up my granola bars, bananas, packs of gum and some other stuff.

“Thanks,” I smiled as I met her gaze. A bag man put some of my items in a bag and put them in the older man’s cart which was still positioned at the end of the checkout counter.

“Woah, woah.”

He didn’t hear. Working quickly and efficiently, he placed the rest of my stuff in another bag and put it in the man’s cart. He pushed the cart toward me helpfully.

“Woah, that’s not my stuff,” I said.

Confused, he took all the bags out of the car and placed them on the counter.

“I mean, some of it is my stuff,” I said, investigating each bag.

“Sir, is that your cart of groceries?” a beefy security guard asked, the old man shuffling up behind him.

“He’s trying to take my food,” the old man yelled in a strained voice.

“Well, two of the bags are mine.” I said.

“Then why are you taking this man’s groceries? He’s on disability.”

“I didn’t. The bag guy was mistaken…”

“What bag guy?” the guard asked. The bag man has mysteriously disappeared.

Eventually, I was told not to come back to that store or I would be arrested.

On the way out, I saw the bag man out of the corner of my eye at the other end of the store. He held up some bananas, smiling.

 

3 Ways to Be Giddily Happy In Your Retirement Years

Now that you are retired, you need to change how you are doing things to be joyful and carefree. Here are three tips to stay giddily happy in retirement.

Spend More Time on Personal Relationships

I don’t mean your spouse and family. I mean the cashier at the Dunkin Donuts who never makes fun of you for ordering two dozen donuts every morning for yourself, the Uber Eats driver who brings you meals at home because you are too lazy to go to an actual restaurant for dinner, and the waitress at the local IHOP who calls you Double Slammie because you always order two Grand Slam breakfasts for lunch every day.

Maintain Your Health

Now you don’t have any excuse to work out and exercise. You can’t tell yourself, “OK, I am going to work out today!” and then blow it off for three months because you “are too busy at work.”

Have Fun

You’ve been so busy being a driven, mean curmudgeon trying to be a Master of the Universe, you forgot how to have fun. You remember fun! Remember floating down the river in inner tubes drinking watery beer? That was fun. How about the time you went down the giant slide at the water park and your swimming suit flew off half way down. Good times. You need to do more that now.

How Insecure People Try To Seem Like A Big Deal

Insecure people are annoying. They are always trying to “big-up” around you. Watch out for these three ways insecure people try to seem like a bigger deal than they really are.

Act Like They Are in a Hurry

Sure, sometimes you are in a real rush. And nobody likes a dawdler, the type that slowly strolls across the street at a crosswalk while you wait to make a turn. But insecure people act like they are ALWAYS in a rush. Moving the trash cans out to the curb, standing in line at McDonald’s or walking down the hall at work, they move double-fast, not because they actually need to be somewhere, they just want you to think that.

Talk Loudly

Insecure people talk loudly to appear important. Often they turn on their speakerphone while on a call so the whole world can hear the entire conversation. Do they let the other person know the whole Coffee Bean can hear their conversation? No.

Fake Instagram Photos

You might say, “Hey, everyone fakes it on Instagram,” and you have a point. But insecure people take it to another level, trying to appear as if they fly around the world on private jets, when in reality they are sitting at the back of coach next to the bathroom.

Your Estimated Wait Time

(10:00 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:02 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:04 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:06 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:08 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:10 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:12 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:14 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:16 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:18 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:20 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:22 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:24 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

(10:26 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank. We value your business. All of our customer service partners are busy at the moment. Your estimated wait time is 2 minutes.” Horrible music…

……………..
……………..

(11:22 am)

“Thank you for calling Giganto Bank, my name is Gwen, I’ll be your customer service partner. How can I help you today? Hello? Hello?……”

Ohio State vs. Michigan Fans Drunken Brawl | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Last year in Michigan, in July I think, two separate couples were riding the Jet Express, a commuter boat.

Two different couples — one was Ohio State fans and the other was Michigan fans.

It’s late at night on game day. Both are heading home.

They start talking.

Which eventually, somehow, escalates into an argument. Soon, the two women are pulling each other’s hair and, to defend their women, the men jump in, and start throwing punches. They start swinging — it’s not funny, stop laughing, you can’t be getting into fisticuffs.

But what started out as, I’m guessing, mild comments about the Ohio-State Michigan rivalry and who is better the better team, quickly escalated into a hair-pulling roundhouse swinging melee.

Here’s my question: How come it is always football?

How come you never hear about fans getting into hair pulling, fisticuff-flying melees about the college debate team? Or the badminton team. Or field hockey. It just doesn’t happen.

My guess is the people involved in the story had a few cocktails on the boat.

But you never hear about drunken melees because of the rivalry of the college field hockey teams.

Football team emotions run deep. Fan allegiances to their teams run deep, especially if they went to that college, or live in that city.

The guy who runs the Jet Express service told the newspapers he wasn’t shocked.

He said, well you know, people get passionate about their teams, and this particular scenario happened in the early morning hours, so he thought there were a few drinks involved.

Um, yeah.