Fast Talking Disclaimer

I heard a car commercial on the radio the other day that sounded a little unbelievable:

“The Violator is available for a limited time for only $99/ month!”

Then at the end of the commercial a guy started talking real fast:

“$99 month is a 6 month lease only on approved credit. Capital reduction fee of $15,000. Does not include car doors, rear bumper or left side tires.”

He negated everything about the commercial by putting a fast-talking disclaimer afterwards! Wouldn’t that be great if you could do that in your real life?

Claim: I am going to start running every day.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Running every day does include not religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, days I am too tired to run, days I am not too tired to run but a Seinfeld episode comes on that I haven’t seen, Mondays, Fridays, and any other days ending in ‘y’.

Claim: I am going to stop smoking.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Stopping smoking does not include borrowing other people’s cigarettes, smoking while drinking, smoking to help celebrate a victory, smoking to overcome a disappointment, smoking to overcome nervousness, smoking while calm, or any smoking before 12 noon.

The fast talking disclaimer could be used by many people. Like stockbrokers:

Claim: This one is a winner. I say we go all in.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of this stock being a “winner” may be influenced by the fact that we do not have any idea what we are talking about, by the sudden arrest and conviction of firm partners for insider trading, or by sudden fluctuations in the recommended stock including sudden and total devaluation.

Or TV weather people:

Claim: It will be sunny all day today.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Predictions of sunny weather do not include the interruption of sunshine in whole or in part by any or all of the following: clouds, rain, thunderstorms, lightning, hail, fog, sleet, snow, El Nino, La Nina, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, typhoons, cyclones, blizzards, or precipitation of any kind.

Or humor writers:

Claim: Fast Talking Disclaimers are funny.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of humor are based on previous special cases. Your experience may differ. Additionally- all chuckles, snickers, giggles, titters, guffaws, grunts, snorts, and sighs of disappointment will be registered as laughter.