3 Things That Will Shape People’s Opinion of You

Your effectiveness in life is directly related to what people think of you. When you engage in these three activities, you affect how well you can impact others.

Wearing Green Sparkle Paint

If you go to work wearing green sparkle paint all over your torso instead of a shirt, you should expect various reactions, not all of them good.

Riding a Unicycle

Since you are different, you learned to ride a unicycle. If fact, you got so good at it, you chose to ride it to every meeting at your accounting firm. Don’t be surprised if this is brought up in your next review.

Tower Daredevil

To get inspired, you’ve taken to climbing to the top of your 100-story office building and walking along the outer ledge like those Russian daredevil kids. Like them, you post theses videos to YouTube on your channel Capitalist Ledge Leaper.

3 Things You Are Doing Wildly Wrong on LinkedIn

LinkedIn has become a powerful tool for job seekers and networkers alike. If you told me 10 years ago there would be one source you could look up almost anything on anybody in business, I would have taken out my wallet so fast there would be fire burns on my fingers. Bottom line – you need to be on LinkedIn in order to be as successful as possible.

At the same time, too many of you are making basic mistakes. Avoid these three glaring errors to maximize your use of this great platform.

Shirtless Selfies

Apparently, some people think this is a dating site, because I’ve seen several executives use a shirtless selfie as their profile picture. Look, whether you are male or female, it’s nice you are proud of your physique, but a shirtless selfie on LinkedIn is not the place to show it off. Save that for Tinder.

Over-Humblebragging

Anytime you start a number of updates or posts with, “For the past three years, it’s been an honor to lead my team to the best sales in the company’s history….,” just stop. Clearly, you are humblebragging about how great you are.

Do it enough, and you might get the LinkedIn Over-Humblebragging Award of the Month, which you would probably also post about, telling us how humbled and honored you are.

LION

LION stand for LinkedIn Open Networker. It’s a moniker for people who basically accept any invitation from others seeking to connect. True LION’s have 20,000 or 30,000 contacts, limited only by LinkedIn’s connection ceiling.

Hey, it’s great you want to meet and greet everyone in the world. But the chances of productive interaction with that many people are around zero. Would you invite them all to your wedding? Well, maybe you would, but you are going to need a much bigger hall, like maybe Dodger Stadium.

7 Signs You Picked the Wrong Place to Work

We all go in to new jobs with great expectations.

Well, usually. Sometimes you can tell the place sucks from the moment you walk in.

Either way, after a while you notice things you didn’t see before.

Maybe you just didn’t want to see these signs. Who knows?

Don’t blame yourself. Just make sure you are aware of these seven signs you picked the wrong place to work.

Moonlighting Policy

You are allowed to have a moonlighting job, as long as it is for your company. “Want to earn more on the side? Fine, get a job in our warehouse. You can help load boxes after you finish your accounting job.”

References Available

While many companies won’t provide references in the future, your company provides all the references you want — bad ones. “You can leave here any time you want, but we will tell everyone you were late every day, smelled funny and only worked when you were happy — like when the Eagles won the Super Bowl,” they say with a smile.

Payroll Holdbacks

What, you didn’t know your company takes out deductions you didn’t authorize? Hahaha. How else are they going to pay for the softball team that you never play for?

Specific Hours

Lots of companies are vague on how many hours you have to work. Your company tells you upfront: all of them. Every hour you are not home sleeping, eating or feeding the dog, you should be here working.

Detailed Performance Review

Maybe you were used to a quarterly review at your old company. How quaint. At your new company, you are reviewed every five minutes. The result is displayed on a big board where you are measured against the other people on your team. The one coming in last each month has to pay everyone’s car note for the next month.

Casual Friday

Sure, you have casual Friday at your job. It is so popular, it extends into Saturday and Sunday as well. Bring a sleeping bag.

Multiple Interviews

You should have known you were at a quirky company after the interview process. Some companies have five, seven or even 10 interviews. Your company has 97 interviews with people from around the world. It cost you $458,983 just to get to them all. Don’t worry, you can work on Thanksgiving and Christmas days for the rest of your life to try to make your money back.

How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.

Most New Businesses Fail — How to Make Sure Your Team Succeeds

Statistics don’t lie.

That’s not right. They lie all the time.

In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.

You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:

The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.

The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.

The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.

The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.

The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.

The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.

Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.

It’s the McDonald’s Next to the Arco

“Hi, this is your driver. You put the pin on the map in the middle of the freeway. Where exactly are you?”

“Oh, it’s for my cousin. Let me call him….He says he’s at the Arco.”

“What Arco? I have no idea where he is. There are 100 Arcos in this neighborhood.”

“Hold on…he says he is in the Arco next to the McDonald’s.”

“Still doesn’t help. I could drive for 10 years and still not find an Arco next to a McDonald’s.”

“Why, you don’t know your own city?”

“I assume your are kidding. Get I just get an address or cross streets?”

“No, he doesn’t know.”

“OK, I’m sorry, I have to cancel.”

“OK.”

 

3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

5 Things Fantastic Bosses Tell Their Employees Every Day

Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:

1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.

2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)

3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.

4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.

5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

Meg? Is that you, Meg?

In one of my first food deliveries, I went to the wrong address.

I transposed the last two numbers in my cranium. It was also the first time I didn’t bring the phone with me to the door, preventing me from checking the details when things went south.

A guy came to the door. “Meg?”

“No.”

“You didn’t order food?”

“No!” he said and shut the door.

Some neighbors on a porch nearby watched with amusement.

“None of you are Meg, are you?”

“That’s two doors down,” one said helpfully, pointing.

“Ohhhh! Thanks!”

I went two doors down and knocked. No answer.

Back to car.

The phone rang.

The real Meg was waiting TEN doors down.

She said, “I called because I could see you on the app but you weren’t here!”

Oh, I was at the right place, I thought.

If you lived ten doors north of here.

7 People You Meet as A Food Delivery Driver

You meet many interesting people as a food delivery courier. Here are seven.

Ms. Crazy-and-Unreasonable Request

This customer asks you to perform unusual or unreasonable tasks. “Can you do a magic trick for a tip?” they ask. Huh?

Mr. Cancel-Order-After-Getting-It

I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I believe the strategy with this guy is is to place an order, and then before the driver can close out the transaction on the app, he cancels the order with some lame excuse. Free food!

Mr. Too-Stoned-To-Answer-the-Door

Mr. Too-Stoned or Too-Drunk places the order and then falls asleep. You stand outside pounding on the door. I try to get them awake by yelling, “Chad, get up! The zombies are coming!

Too-Cheap-to-Tip-and-Doesn’t-Want-To-Face-the-Driver Lady

She won’t tip but doesn’t want to face you. She writes comments like “Leave bag in the door” or “Leave it on the porch and leave.” Or she cracks the door and sticks out only her hand, or tries to look distracted by pretending she is on the phone or dealing with a baby.

Why Women are Hot All the Time | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Are you a woman?

If so, have you found yourself bundling up at work because the air conditioning is too damn cold all the time?

I know you have — I had an assistant one time that no matter the time of the year, and it was in Southern California, she thought it was so dang cold in her office she had on three sweaters, two parkas, two stocking caps, big thick gloves and mukluks.

I’m not talking about the mukluks you go down to Nordstrom and buy. I’m talking about real Inuit mukluks worn north of the Arctic Circle. She was cold all…the…time.

There’s good news ladies if this describes you: It’s not your fault.

Today’s air conditioning systems were developed in the 1960s with a formula that estimated the average office worker was a 154-pound 40-year old man!

Yes, the existing air conditioning systems we have today were developed in the 1960s for the average worker, which at the time was a 40-year-old 154-pound man.

When I first read this, I thought what 40-year old man weighs 150 pounds?

I had to check it out, and what I found, and I’m sure there’s different sources, but what I found is that the average 40 year old man today weighs 180 pounds.

And seeing as I’m 200 plus pounds with an emphasis on the plus, I can’t even believe the average 40-year-old weights 180 pounds.

Nonetheless, the air conditioning systems were developed for the average man, and yet men prefer cooler environments — women like rooms at around 77 degrees, women prefer warmer rooms, while men like it around 71 degrees, according to experts.

So not only do they in general want things warmer, the air conditioning systems were developed for a 40-year-old man years ago.

No wonder you’re cold!

No wonder my assistant was bundled up like an Eskimo in the middle of the Arctic Circle!

Some of the newer buildings are changing this, but how many people really work in a brand-new building, or work for an enlightened building owner that has updated their systems to accommodate new thinking and new information. Very few, very few. Where do you find building owners that have adapted their buildings to new green energy guidelines? I can’t think of five building in LA.

Maybe there’s more, but you’ll know because the ones that have met the government requirements to be designated as a green energy building, or and I forget the designation — something like IEEE, I mean they will tell you! They put it everywhere. They’ll put it right out front: “We have made the changes in our construction in our building to meet solar and green energy requirements!”

But that’s rare.

Most of us are working in buildings that were built during the time that these air conditioning variables were programmed into the air conditioning systems, and although those systems are probably updated along the way, I don’t think they change the general settings.

As a result, many women around the office today have got on enough warm weather gear to survive subzero temperatures in Siberia.

They can leave their office and enter into a outside temperature of 40-below, get on the back of a sled-dog team and mush those dogs across 1,700 miles of Arctic weather without needing to add add any additional warm weather gear.

I know you’ve seen that woman in the office. Maybe you have you been that woman. Maybe you are that woman.

Well, I say you use this information. Take it to the people that have the power to make changes and say. “Look, this is sexism. You guys are working with temperature guidelines that were set in the 1960s for a man, and now more than half the working population are women, and we have to suffer through your natural inclination to prefer cooler environments. But we are the majority, and we do most of the work around here, and therefore turn the damn turn it turn the damn thermostat up! And if you don’t like it, get a fan and put it in your office, and cool down your own personal space, and quit bugging us because we can’t get work done. Because our fingers are frozen, crippled and curled — stuck in a frozen position. I can barely hit the keys on my keyboard because my fingers are curled like I’m trying to pick up something off the ground like a rock.”