3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

5 Things Fantastic Bosses Tell Their Employees Every Day

Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:

1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.

2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)

3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.

4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.

5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

Meg? Is that you, Meg?

In one of my first food deliveries, I went to the wrong address.

I transposed the last two numbers in my cranium. It was also the first time I didn’t bring the phone with me to the door, preventing me from checking the details when things went south.

A guy came to the door. “Meg?”

“No.”

“You didn’t order food?”

“No!” he said and shut the door.

Some neighbors on a porch nearby watched with amusement.

“None of you are Meg, are you?”

“That’s two doors down,” one said helpfully, pointing.

“Ohhhh! Thanks!”

I went two doors down and knocked. No answer.

Back to car.

The phone rang.

The real Meg was waiting TEN doors down.

She said, “I called because I could see you on the app but you weren’t here!”

Oh, I was at the right place, I thought.

If you lived ten doors north of here.

7 People You Meet as A Food Delivery Driver

You meet many interesting people as a food delivery courier. Here are seven.

Ms. Crazy-and-Unreasonable Request

This customer asks you to perform unusual or unreasonable tasks. “Can you do a magic trick for a tip?” they ask. Huh?

Mr. Cancel-Order-After-Getting-It

I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I believe the strategy with this guy is is to place an order, and then before the driver can close out the transaction on the app, he cancels the order with some lame excuse. Free food!

Mr. Too-Stoned-To-Answer-the-Door

Mr. Too-Stoned or Too-Drunk places the order and then falls asleep. You stand outside pounding on the door. I try to get them awake by yelling, “Chad, get up! The zombies are coming!

Too-Cheap-to-Tip-and-Doesn’t-Want-To-Face-the-Driver Lady

She won’t tip but doesn’t want to face you. She writes comments like “Leave bag in the door” or “Leave it on the porch and leave.” Or she cracks the door and sticks out only her hand, or tries to look distracted by pretending she is on the phone or dealing with a baby.

Why Women are Hot All the Time | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Are you a woman?

If so, have you found yourself bundling up at work because the air conditioning is too damn cold all the time?

I know you have — I had an assistant one time that no matter the time of the year, and it was in Southern California, she thought it was so dang cold in her office she had on three sweaters, two parkas, two stocking caps, big thick gloves and mukluks.

I’m not talking about the mukluks you go down to Nordstrom and buy. I’m talking about real Inuit mukluks worn north of the Arctic Circle. She was cold all…the…time.

There’s good news ladies if this describes you: It’s not your fault.

Today’s air conditioning systems were developed in the 1960s with a formula that estimated the average office worker was a 154-pound 40-year old man!

Yes, the existing air conditioning systems we have today were developed in the 1960s for the average worker, which at the time was a 40-year-old 154-pound man.

When I first read this, I thought what 40-year old man weighs 150 pounds?

I had to check it out, and what I found, and I’m sure there’s different sources, but what I found is that the average 40 year old man today weighs 180 pounds.

And seeing as I’m 200 plus pounds with an emphasis on the plus, I can’t even believe the average 40-year-old weights 180 pounds.

Nonetheless, the air conditioning systems were developed for the average man, and yet men prefer cooler environments — women like rooms at around 77 degrees, women prefer warmer rooms, while men like it around 71 degrees, according to experts.

So not only do they in general want things warmer, the air conditioning systems were developed for a 40-year-old man years ago.

No wonder you’re cold!

No wonder my assistant was bundled up like an Eskimo in the middle of the Arctic Circle!

Some of the newer buildings are changing this, but how many people really work in a brand-new building, or work for an enlightened building owner that has updated their systems to accommodate new thinking and new information. Very few, very few. Where do you find building owners that have adapted their buildings to new green energy guidelines? I can’t think of five building in LA.

Maybe there’s more, but you’ll know because the ones that have met the government requirements to be designated as a green energy building, or and I forget the designation — something like IEEE, I mean they will tell you! They put it everywhere. They’ll put it right out front: “We have made the changes in our construction in our building to meet solar and green energy requirements!”

But that’s rare.

Most of us are working in buildings that were built during the time that these air conditioning variables were programmed into the air conditioning systems, and although those systems are probably updated along the way, I don’t think they change the general settings.

As a result, many women around the office today have got on enough warm weather gear to survive subzero temperatures in Siberia.

They can leave their office and enter into a outside temperature of 40-below, get on the back of a sled-dog team and mush those dogs across 1,700 miles of Arctic weather without needing to add add any additional warm weather gear.

I know you’ve seen that woman in the office. Maybe you have you been that woman. Maybe you are that woman.

Well, I say you use this information. Take it to the people that have the power to make changes and say. “Look, this is sexism. You guys are working with temperature guidelines that were set in the 1960s for a man, and now more than half the working population are women, and we have to suffer through your natural inclination to prefer cooler environments. But we are the majority, and we do most of the work around here, and therefore turn the damn turn it turn the damn thermostat up! And if you don’t like it, get a fan and put it in your office, and cool down your own personal space, and quit bugging us because we can’t get work done. Because our fingers are frozen, crippled and curled — stuck in a frozen position. I can barely hit the keys on my keyboard because my fingers are curled like I’m trying to pick up something off the ground like a rock.”

Man Sues His Employer Due To Boredom

A man in France sued his company because his job is extremely boring.

I caught up with him outside the Hotel du Bordeuxm in Paris.

“Jacques, you really sued you employer?”

“Of course. I am bored to tears!”

“Well, is it their job to make sure you are not bored? Many people would say their job is basically boring.”

“Yes, they should sue! My employer expects a lot out of me, so I expect a lot out of them. I don’t think it’s too much to get a TV on my desk with free HBO. At least then I wouldn’t be so bored.”

“Game of Thrones?”

“Oui.”

“No Walking Dead?”

“One step at a time, monsieur!”

Mistakes to Avoid At Work If You Are Over 50

1. Taking your shoes off at 230pm, throwing your feet up on your desk, and saying loudly, “Ohhhhh! These dogs are barking!”

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

2. Constantly talking about Joe Namath and the Miracle Jets.

3. In casual conversation with coworkers, avoid confusing EDM artist names like Avicii and Skrillex with Erectile Dysfunction drugs.

4. Parking 1/2 mile away because you are too cheap to pay for monthly parking.

5. Squinting at your computer monitor because you left your trifocals on the nightstand at home.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

6. Staring out the window all morning and wondering where you are going to eat lunch.

7. Trying to be hip by mentioning you went to the AC/DC concert at Wrigley Field over the weekend, forgetting they have no idea who that is.

7 Ways to Thank Your Team For Giving Their All

Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress
Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress

You are the leader.

But you are nothing without your team.

How do you thank them when they do exceptional work?

Here are 7 suggestions.

1. Leave a pizza on their desk chair without the box.

2. Get on the company intercom, thank each person individually and then cry for 30 minutes.

3. Call their parents and tell them how great their kids are doing now that they have left home at 37.

4. Take the team bowling and pick up the shoe rental fee.

One Panel Cartoon - Naked Bowling Night 5035813948
5. Drive them around town in a double-decker bus, showering them with mints and chocolates at every 3rd stop light.

6. Take the worst worker on the team, the curmudgeon who everyone hates, and give him your job for the remainder of the year.

7. Tell the team from now on they get unlimited free rides to and from work on Uber Unicycle.

sports-cycling-Image from page 236 of Cycling art-- 14577911869-unicycle