Mistakes to Avoid At Work If You Are Over 50

1. Taking your shoes off at 230pm, throwing your feet up on your desk, and saying loudly, “Ohhhhh! These dogs are barking!”

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

2. Constantly talking about Joe Namath and the Miracle Jets.

3. In casual conversation with coworkers, avoid confusing EDM artist names like Avicii and Skrillex with Erectile Dysfunction drugs.

4. Parking 1/2 mile away because you are too cheap to pay for monthly parking.

5. Squinting at your computer monitor because you left your trifocals on the nightstand at home.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

6. Staring out the window all morning and wondering where you are going to eat lunch.

7. Trying to be hip by mentioning you went to the AC/DC concert at Wrigley Field over the weekend, forgetting they have no idea who that is.

7 Ways to Thank Your Team For Giving Their All

Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress
Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress

You are the leader.

But you are nothing without your team.

How do you thank them when they do exceptional work?

Here are 7 suggestions.

1. Leave a pizza on their desk chair without the box.

2. Get on the company intercom, thank each person individually and then cry for 30 minutes.

3. Call their parents and tell them how great their kids are doing now that they have left home at 37.

4. Take the team bowling and pick up the shoe rental fee.

One Panel Cartoon - Naked Bowling Night 5035813948
5. Drive them around town in a double-decker bus, showering them with mints and chocolates at every 3rd stop light.

6. Take the worst worker on the team, the curmudgeon who everyone hates, and give him your job for the remainder of the year.

7. Tell the team from now on they get unlimited free rides to and from work on Uber Unicycle.

sports-cycling-Image from page 236 of Cycling art-- 14577911869-unicycle

7 Things to Stop Doing at Work if You Want to Succeed

If you want to succeed at work, avoid saying these things in your sales meetings.

1. Saying, “Boooorrrrinnnggg!” in the sales meeting.

2. Asking your boss, “How did you get this job?

3. Asking your coworker, “How did you get this job?”

4. Sleeping in the break room.

5. Sending emails to HR saying, “Please turn off the TV and quit hiring idiots!”

6. Calling the CEO of your client and asking, “Why did you hire these dweebs I’m dealing with?”

7. Putting a sign on your door that says, “No more complaining. Save that whining for your dog.”

7 Things To Do During A Slow Day At Work

Courtesy SMU Central University Libraries via Flickr Commons
Courtesy SMU Central University Libraries via Flickr Commons

Got a slow day at work? Here are seven ways to get through the day:

  1. Stand outside your boss’ office, and every time she enters say, “Ticket please!”
  2. Ask your coworker why they smell like saddle leather.
  3. Loudly retell your most boring golf stories.
  4. Shoot an email to the entire floor that it is Betty’s birthday and cake will be served in the lunch room. When they find there is no cake, and no one named Betty works there, shower them with used staples.
  5. Ask your HR director if they do anything, and I mean anything, at all.
  6. Drive your car right into the office to your cubicle, and begin to work while still in the car.
  7. Gaze off into space and say, “What wrong turn did I take in my career that I ended up here with you losers?”

 

Lifestyle Corporations Offer New Way to Work

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

The fight for good talent in today’s world is unprecedented. Corporations are trying new ideas to retain workers. “Lifestyle companies” are on the rise. More than just being “a cool place to work,” these companies offer a healthier, more positive lifestyle than traditional companies.

Features include:

  • Weekly bunny hops including vintage DJs and car theft demonstrations.
  • Open bar in every hallway.
  • Morning positivity chants like:

Owwwwwwwwwww, yeah!
We are the best
We are better than the rest
Owwwwwwwwwww, yeah!

  • Child care for children up to the age of 19
  • Spouse excuse office. Sends official excuses to spouses when an employee was caught cheating or golfing during the day.
  • Coffee. Lots of free coffee.