5 Signs Your Boss Hates You

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

Everybody talks about hating their boss. It makes sense because most of them are incompetent.

It goes both ways, though. Your boss could hate you. Here is how to tell.

1. They ask you to get bagels for the team, and then move the company to a new location while you are gone.

2. They ask your opinion on important issues, squeezing a clown horn loudly each time you answer.

3. They set you up with their sister from Lithuania who weaves goat hair into hammocks.

4. They ask for a report 10 minutes before it is due and then tell everyone on the conference call you were late due to your issues with authority.

5. Your desk has been moved to the employee lunch room.

5 Ways to Get Your Crazy Self Fired

I’ve been shown the door and told not to come back before — I know what it takes to get tossed from gainful employment. Use these ideas and you, too, can be driving home with all your junk in the car in no time.

Wearing Jester Caps

If you insist on juggling and wearing Jester caps while your co-workers look away in shame, you are on your way out.

Not Getting Along

You cannot say to co-workers things like, “I kind of liked you better when your jaw was wired shut after the accident.”

Not Minding Your Own Business

Do not say to a co-worker, “So, what’s the deal with that loser you call a boyfriend. Is he out of jail yet?”

Dressing Inappropriately

Sure, we, know, you are a Toronto Blue Jays Fan. But wearing a giant Blue Jay uniform everyday is a ticket to RedSlipVille.

Bad Odors

OK, you love garlic. You put it on everything. Heck, you put it on cereal! You wonder why there isn’t a garlic version of Cheerios.

But here’s the thing: you stink. Your breath stinks. No one wants to talk to you, interact with you or be near you.

In fact, you have to go. And don’t come back.

How To Fake Confidence on the Job

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Have you ever met a dimwitted dork at work with one-quarter of your talent who somehow got promoted all the time? They were able to exude confidence even if they only half knew what they were doing. You can pull this off, too — you just have to fake confidence. Here are some tips.

Dress Well

Try wearing a football uniform to work every day. Your message is, “Hey, you have to go through ME to get to the coffee machine.”

Walk Quickly

Confident people are in a hurry to get things done. If you lolly-gag all day, people assume you are ingesting edibles and thinking about the weekend even if it is Monday. Pick up the pace! Try drinking 10 or 12 pots of coffee every morning.

Lower Your Voice

You can fake confidence by lowering your voice. Take it down an octave. Practice by listening to Barry White records. Instead of a chirpy “Good morning!”, say it smooth and slow with the bass tones of low-riding ’64 Impala playing 80s funk.

 

5 Big Mistakes to Avoid in Your Job Interview

A job interview is one of the most important conversations you’ll have in your life. That and explaining to your wife why your assistant is going on a business trip with you.

Whatever you do on the job interview, don’t make these mistakes.

Roll in Late

Do not come in late to the interview, smelling like whiskey and singing Jerry Lee Lewis songs.

Not Prepared

Do some proper research about the company beforehand. Do not interrupt the interviewer to say, “Hey, dude, wait, first tell me what you do here before I decide if I want to work with you losers.”

Mistreating Support Staff

Do not mistreat the receptionist, assistants, or anyone else on the staff of the company you are interviewing with. Refrain from telling the receptionist, “He’s got 2 more minutes to come out here and get me for this sham show before I bounce.”

Dressed Inappropriately

Make sure you present a professional appearance for your interview. Do not show up wearing golf attire and announce, “Can you speed it up, Sparky? I have to tee off in 20 minutes!”

No Follow Up

You might me surprised how many people do not follow up on job interviews. It’s an easy way to stand out. Make sure to send a thank you card. Do not, however, write, “Thank you for the chance to speak with you about the opportunities at your company. I look forward to taking your job in the next 12 months.”

The Best Places to Retire

Are you getting ready to call it a career and head into the sunset? Here are the best places to retire right now.

 

Old Mill, England

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Old Mill is a working retirement town. Residents take turns working in the old mill where they make bread, pastries and sour mash whiskey. Two times this year a retiree fell in the one of the sour mash whiskey barrels.

 

Calm County, Norway

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Calm County is a special retirement “halfway-house” to help corporate drones transition back to becoming a real person again.

 

Sleep-on-Cotswald, England

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This retirement town is great for people who like to sleep 20-22 hours a day. There are beds in every public building, so all you have to do is plop down and grab a snooze wherever you are.

 

Red Dragon Lake, China

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Red Dragon Lake is one of the fastest growing retirement areas in the world. They offer free coffee, free bingo cards and free trips to the health center after breathing the polluted air in China for more than a month.

 

Slone Salon and Spa, Sweden

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This town was build around ancient spas in a remote area of Sweden.  The boiling spa water coming up form the earth relaxes your body and makes it really easy to make dinner at the same time.

 

Godspire, Scotland

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This historical spire marks the town that has seen more retirees settle than any other part of Scotland. Mostly female retirees, they are attracted to the low rents and Thunder from Down Under show every Thursday at the pub.

 

Emerson Sound, New Hampshire

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Nestled in a picturesque valley in New Hampshire, Emerson Sound has some of the best fishing in five states. However, retirees have opted instead for the 2 for 1 fish fry every week at the St. Agnes Rec Center.

 

7 Ways To Work Smarter

You’ve heard the old bromide: Work Smarter, Not Harder. Here is how to do it:

  • Every morning prepare a list of things you need to get done for that day and then hand that list to your dog.
  • Create your own board of directors for advice and counsel — include your spouse and your significant other.
  • Group activities together. Going to the store? Hold a sales meeting in the butter aisle.
  • Prop up a dummy in your chair at work. Several advertising sales managers use this technique and sales went up 25 percent.
  • Keep your staff motivated with your old stories about the days they allowed smoking in the office.
  • Fire half your staff this morning and hire them back this afternoon as outsourcers.
  • Create a power-converter into your mouse that changes mouse clicks into energy. Retire young, go golfing.

These are a just a few of the many ways you can work smarter to get ahead of those dorks you work with.

4 Mentors That Every Entrepreneur Needs In Their Back Pocket

We all hear stories about people who achieved success alone, guided by their wits and cunning. Forget it. It’s a myth. Every successful person had plenty of help along the way. Here are four mentors you’ll need if you want to achieve entrepreneurial success.

Light Bulb Adviser

This mentor tells you the correct lighting you’ll need at your desk or table.

Oil Change Timing Consultant

You’ll be putting lots of miles on your car. This consultant will remind you to get the oil changed on time.

Humility Checker

Getting too cocky will kill your momentum. This advisor tells you, “You are not as good as you think you are,” or “your competitor works harder than you.”

Pants Break Expert

Is your pants break too much or not enough? Should it be a slight break or a deep break? This expert keeps your pants break up to par.

9 Questions To Ask Your Boss At Your Next Annual Review

The annual review is an anxiety-producing meeting every year. Some companies have quarterly reviews. Whatever the case, take control with some of these questions.

1. When will I be king of the company?

2. How is it I do not have my own personal shopper yet?

3. Those are some sweet, kicks, dude, where can I get a pair?

4. Are you the person I talk to about getting my cryogenics treatments reimbursed?

5. Is your hair a center part or a side part? It looks confused.

6. Can I bring my dog in and let him sit on your chair all day?

7. What went wrong in your life that you ended up here?

8. Do you cheat at this job as much as you cheat on the golf course?

9. I have you on video stealing lunches out of the fridge? Your story?

 

5 Ways To Break Through Creative Blocks

Are you a creative person in a slump? Can’t seem to get started on that project? Here are 5 ways to bust through creative blocks:

Work Naked

Take off your clothes and attack the project again.

Take A Train Trip

No, not a romantic Orient Express trip. A smelly subway ride is what you need to jar your brain.

Play Like A Kid

Skip around the neighborhood and steal candy from the store.

Be Nonsensical

Break the bounds of normalcy and get crazy. Do something ludicrous like vote Republican.

Love Your Haters

Don’t shake off your haters. Love them like family. Invite them to dinner, and then stab them with the carving knife.

8 Crazy People Who Are Driving You Mad at Work

You just want to get through the work day without too much contact with these nuts. Forget it. It won’t happen.

 

The Gossip

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Mr. Silent

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Mr. Let’s Do Lunch

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Mr. Conspiracy Theory

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Mr. Talk and Talk and Talk

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 The Obvious-Affair Couple

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Mr. Superior

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 Guy Who Has To Tell You About His Golf Game

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

 

Company Employee Does Nothing to Improve Office Life

An area company employee has had the same job with her company for more than ten years, and has been complaining about that same firm with current and former employees every day she has been there.

In that time, she had never offered one suggestion, gone to one company event, stayed a single second past closing time, spoken up in any meeting or done anything past her bare bones job description.

“This place has some problems,” she said. “Don’t even get me started on the coffee machine in the employee lunch room.” Asked if she should take some of her complaints to someone that can change things for the better, or even, perish the thought, take some initiative, she declined. “They know what to do. They just are not doing it,” she said.

 

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb Job Applicants

LOC 5083444077----library of congress via fc-clown-suit-funny-woman-lady-girlYears after the economic meltdown, the job market is still tight. You might think job interviewees would keep their interview game in tip-top shape. Not so much. Here are some actual incidents about job interviewers as told by the people that interviewed them.

Clown Suit

One HR director says that a interviewer came in wearing a clown suit. You might think this was some attempt at standing out, but this clown was committed. He did balloon animal tricks, drank fizzy water from an invisible glass and filled the room with rubber balls. He didn’t get the job he interviewed for, but was able to procure an immediate role as a vice president of the company.

Romantic Interlude

An interviewer told the story of a young woman who came in to interview with him for a job. She proceeded to move her chair to his side of the desk, and put her arm around his neck well kissing him on the cheek. The interviewer asked what she was doing, and she replied that she was demonstrating her ability to warm up her audience before a presentation.

Gross, Dude!

Another interviewer told the story of an interviewee who coughed and hacked their way through the entire interview, stopping halfway through to vomit into the trash receptacle next to her desk. Told he should come back when he is feeling better, the interviewee said there is no problem; he was just having a bad reaction to the drugs he takes to maintain his grip on reality.

Brought a Friend

An HR professional told the story of an interviewee who brought along his best friend from high school. Asked why he brought his friend, the job applicant said they had been inseparable since middle school, and he would be able to help answer any questions he needed help with. Told that the applicant would not be able to bring his friend to the job itself, he replied that it was okay — he would just call him on the phone.

Can You Do My Work For Me?

One applicant, when asked what they knew of the company they were interviewing for, asked the interviewer to give them a quick rundown as they had not had time to check. The interviewer asked why he would come to a job interview without preparing, and the applicant said they had been busy working on their golf swing for the upcoming city championship.

Snack Time

In the middle of one interview, an applicant opened her briefcase and broke out a variety of snacks and began to eat them in front of the interviewer. She apologized and said she had low blood sugar, especially under times of stress, and that eating chocolate bars, candy coated doughnuts and an assortment of cinnamon buns would allow her to provide the best interview possible.

Overdressed

A vice president of human resources recalled the time that an applicant came in wearing a tuxedo. The applicant stated that he read that you should dress at one level above the people you are meeting with, and since he did not know the dress level at the company, he was playing safe with formal wear. The HR vice president said that it was unlikely he would need to wear a tuxedo at the job, although he would be glad to give them an order when he saw him at the restaurant that he would most likely be working in soon as a waiter.

Show Business

Interviewing is tricky because you want to stand out, but not too much. One interviewee lost sight of this guideline when he showed up at the interview playing 17 instruments on a one-man band bicycle that he built in his garage. Despite this gaffe, he might have had a chance because he was highly qualified, but he couldn’t break away from playing the latest Lady Gaga tunes one after another long enough to actually be interviewed.

7 Dumb Office Rules That Drive People Crazy

I worked in a lot offices. Perhaps the dumbest thing in office life is some of the crazy office rules they dream up.

I remember one guy sent out a 10 page email of rules about coffee and the coffee machine.

Here are 7 rules I’ve encountered that make people crazy.

Pointless Meeting Rule

All meetings will be long and pointless, with elaborate speeches from people trying to prove they are doing something, when it is widely known they have no real skills.

Casual Saturday Rule

On Casual Saturday, employees can wear business casual clothing. The problem with this rule is, you know, working on Saturday.

Kitchen Theft Policy

“If you find something in the fridge you would like to eat, but it is not yours, you can take it anyway.” Actually, this was never a stated policy, but seems to be in place in every company I ever worked for.

Parking Reimbursement Gotcha

“Due to the high cost of parking in this city, we will reimburse your parking fee.” Well, at least until you work here a few months, after which you are on your own. Sorry, sucker.

Birthday Cake Rule

All employees are required to pretend they like each other, especially on birthdays. We will all gather in the employee kitchen to wish Happy Birthday to people we don’t really know, and then eat horrible, over-priced cake from a chain grocery store.

Can Barely Read

Everyone will be required to work with support staff hired by our “HR” department, who can’t seem to figure out how to hire good talent.

Giant Baby Rule

All employees must act like giant babies, especially employees in their 40s or 50s. We used to let them out of this rule because they were supposedly more grown-up, but it turns out they actually were the most childish workers in the office. Thus we changed the rule to include everyone. Sorry, millenials!

Things Morning People Do To Be Wildly Successful

Let’s face it. People that get up early have a head start on the rest of the world. But that’s not all. People that get up early have a number of good habits that keep them wildly successful.

The only sleep 47 minutes a night

One reason people that get up early are able to do so is that they only sleep 47 min. each night. Science shows that we all sleep much more than we need, and the human body is able to get by on as little as 30 min. of sleep a night. People that get up early are able to go to sleep at 3:30 AM and set their body clock to wake up only 47 min. later.

They drink plenty of coffee

An average person drinks a cup of coffee or maybe 2 cups a day. A person who gets up early has no problem waking up because they’re downing 18 cups of coffee before they head out to work. Once at work, they tend to drink 3 to 4 cups an hour until the day is over.

They get plenty of exercise

People that get up early use that time to get their work out done early in the morning. This doesn’t mean they actually go to a gym. They drink so much coffee they get their exercise simply by filling and grinding the beans in the coffee machine.

They constantly review and update their to do list

People that get up early have extensive to do list of over 7000 items. By getting up early, they’re able to examine each of the items on the list and add to and subtract from it as needed.

They utilize visualization

Professional golfer Jack Nicklaus called visualization “going to the movies,” his way of saying that visualization allow successful people to see themselves as a success before actual events take place.

People that get up early have a heightened ability to picture themselves as a success. For example, if you get up early it’s much easier to picture yourself successfully negotiating traffic to work. If you are stalled in a traffic jam, visualize getting out of your car and running in between the lanes, leaving your car in the middle of the road to be picked up later.

They are goal oriented

People that get up earlier also tend to be goal oriented. They have ten-minute, half hour, hour, 3-hour, 12-hour, one day, three-day, five-day, seven-day, 15-day, 30-day, 12-months, one year, two year, three year, four year, five year, 10-year, 20-year and 30-year goals they keep on their iPhones and review every 17 minutes, making sure they stay on track.

They concentrate on good nutrition

People that get up early work on eating the right food. They carry a knapsack full of fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts and high-protein nutrition bars that allow them to eat at any time.

Even if they are in an elevator with 15 other people, they can open their knapsack and quickly down 49 prunes before the elevator hits the bottom floor. Unfortunately, if the elevator gets stuck, their excessive prune intake will result in a gaseous cloud that will kill every person on the elevator.

They work from a clear desk surface

People that get up early know the value of working from a clean desk. Even if their desk has some mementos or pictures on it when they arrive at work, they will clear it off in a fit of anger by sweeping anything on the desk, including the phone, into the trash can in a rage.

This not only gets their blood going, ensuring a productive day, it makes sure that other employees think they are mentally unstable, giving them the space and time to get things done. Productive people know that other people can only hinder their progress.

If you’re not getting up early, you can work on some of these skills in order to become more productive, better a better lover and more accepting of your kids failures at school.