Chop Chop

I have a unique approach to New Year’s resolutions. I start them on January 26.

You might have made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking. While you are beating yourself up for sneaking a cigarette at the bowling league banquet, I am basking in the self confidence that comes with knowing I haven’t even started any resolutions yet.

I don’t make 15 resolutions. I make one. It’s all I can handle. I’m like a guy with one tooth that is perfect. It’s not hard to maintain. Many people load up with too many resolutions: lose weight, eat better, save money, blah, blah, blah.

My resolution is to lose weight. So today I re-started the exercise program I abandoned late last year- around February 15th. First I stretched thoroughly. I raised my left leg behind me and pulled on my foot for half a second. Then I did that with my other leg.

Fully stretched out, I hit the street in front of my apartment at a brisk clip. I ran and ran and ran and ran. Half a block later, every muscle in my body ached. I brought it down to a jog. A slow jog. Well, more like a walk. OK, I was walking. But I was swinging my arms back and forth vigorously. I knew I was getting a good work out by walking and swinging my arms because I checked my pulse and it was around 600 beats a minute.

As I rounded the corner of Wilshire and Hauser I saw 15 police cars in front of an apartment building. A police helicopter hovered overhead, it’s huge spotlight flooding the street. The LAPD was on the hunt–like an episode of Cops.

Then again, every night in LA is an episode of Cops. I fall asleep to the sound of the LAPD helicopter night after night. Some people need to turn on a fan to fall asleep. I need the soothing whap-whap-whap of a police helicopter.

Sometimes I really need to get some sleep- I have a big day the next day- but I don’t hear the chopper outside. A slow night. I call the LAPD and pretend a perp is on the run, “Some dude just stole a pie off a window-sill! Send the helicopter!”

They’ll hover over my apartment until I fall asleep. They know it is a fake call but send the chopper anyway. They know me- I’m a good customer. I spend $23,000 in parking tickets every year.

It’s the least they can do.