Crazy Fun Facts About Zombies

According to Wikipedia, the source of knowledge that everyone uses and no one admits to, zombies are “animated corpses raised by magical means, such as witchcraft.” In other words, the Rolling Stones.

“Hey, man, I don’t appreciate you cutting down the Rolling Stones,” a long-time Stone fan said. “The Stones have been the leading band of rock and roll for decades. Where is your band? What band do you have? What is the name of your band? The Fat and Pasties?

Zombies originated in Haitian voodoo culture. Some scientists think stories of zombies were influenced by tales of schizophrenic relatives in rural Haiti in the 1800s, who had returned home after an absence, displaying zombie like traits like catatonic stares, grunts and a zombie-like walk. Parents often seem the same thing in kids returning from college for the summer: “Uhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ummmmm. Ummmmmm. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, anything in the fridge?”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has suggestions on what to do in the case of a Zombie Acopolayse. They say your family should have a pre-set meeting place like the mailbox out near the street. Has no one seen the Walking Dead? Do not go outside. If anything, meet by the cache of weapons, food and water in the underground Zombie-proof bunker you installed with plans from Home Depot. Not the mailbox!

One clueless homeowner and future zombie said, “I disagree. I think the mailbox is a fine place to meet. You can catch up with your family while observing the zombies in their natural habitat, and you can check your mail. I mean, I have been waiting for my first copy of Zombie Illustrated from months. I ordered it a long time ago, and at this point I think they forgot about me.”

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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