Crazy People In Los Angeles

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Super-Sensitive-Car-Alarm

Mr. Super-Sensitive-Car-Alarm has a car alarm that goes off at the slightest provocation. You can count on every time a loud motorcycle, dump truck or car blasting gangster rap drives by, his car alarm will go off. Which it does, every twenty minutes. Right outside your window.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Gotta-Valet Gal

Gotta-Valet Gal valets her car everywhere she goes. I’m not talking someone that valet parks at Lakers games and clubs in Hollywood. I mean everywhere! Stopping by the supermarket for some gum? Valet park! Running to the pet store for some Alpo for Mr. Cribs? Valet! If they offered valet parking at McDonald’s, she would do it in a second.

Maybe it’s not Gotta-Valet Gal’s fault. Growing up, there was valet parking at her pre-school. Her own house had valet parking just for the valet parkers.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Non-Bouncer

Mr. Non-Bouncer seems to be using the job to meet girls rather than control the bar.

Massive bar fight? It’ll work itself out. The bar is on fire? They needed to get rid of some of those old tables anyway.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Mr. Early-Morning-Rap-Blaster

Mr. Early-Morning-Rap-Blaster thinks nothing of blasting his gangster rap out of the windows as he sits at a stop light in crowded neighborhood. Don’t worry, dude, everybody loves gangster rap, right? Especially at 530am! Thanks!

Crazy People In Los Angeles: 50-Shades-of-Blonde Gal

50 Shades of Blonde Gal has beautiful brown hair she hasn’t seen in 35 years. The multiple shades of blonde she has chosen over the years have morphed into a whitish super-platinum not found in nature.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: I-Can’t-Get-Away-From Smoking Guy

Sometimes when I am walking down the street I get stuck behind Smoking Guy. For unexplained reasons of science, I can never get away from the smoke. No matter which way the wind is blowing, the smoke ends up in my face. If I stop walking altogether, Smoking Guy and his group of friends do the same. If I duck into the 7-11, Smoking Guy and his crew do the same, probably to get more cigarettes.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy

Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy is picking up a coworker for their early shift at the plant, or maybe they are heading out for a road trip. Rather than get out of the car and knock on the door, he honks the horn to announce his arrival. Never mind the thousands of people sound asleep in the neighborhood. We wouldn’t want you to have to get out of the car.

And where is the ridee? They are never ready to go, so Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy tries again with another long tap on the ‘ol car horn.

Now I am wide awake, so I turn on the TV and mindlessly surf channels. No problem. I didn’t have a busy day ahead and wasn’t counting on getting some decent sleep. Thanks, Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Downfill-Jacket-in-Ninety-Degree-Weather-on-a-Bike

It’s hot. You are hoping your water bottle holds out until you get back to your air conditioned car. Walking along, suddenly Mr. Downfill-Jacket-in-Ninety-Degree-Weather-on-a-Bike rounds the corner. He looks cool and comfortable with a full North Face down jacket, heavy ski pants and orange Nike’s.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Cellphone Drifter Guy

Cellphone Drifter Guy is usually found downtown. He wears several guises but I always seem to get trapped by the lawyer version. He’s strolling along, talking loudly on his cellphone.

You are walking along when you find yourself blocked by CDG–hey, it’s a big city. It’s going to happen. You downshift and try to pass on the left between him and the street.

But Cellphone Drifter Guy is so into his phone call he’s not really watching wear he is walking. He drifts. He drifts right in front of you, blocking your passing move.

No problem. You pull a tailback rolling move and try to pass on the other side between CDG and the building. Nope. CDG has drifted back the other way and blocks that lane.

Good luck.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Trying-Too-Hard-To-Be-Connected-To-a-Famous-Person Gal

“My sister’s pool guy’s cousin went to high school with Linsday Lohan.”

“The security guard in my building used to date a girl who once auditioned with a very young Scott Baio.”

All day long she tries to connect herself to fame.

“My dog groomer learned the trade from a Russian guy in Beverly Hills who personally takes care of Kobe Bryant’s dogs.”

Yawn.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Downtown-Art-Snob Guy

This guy stands next to art in downtown galleries talking so loud you want to wear earmuffs. “Yes, this installation is part machine, part sculpture. The artist uses water as a metaphor for life, water as birth and water as death. It gives life and takes it away.” You move closer and he’s talking about the Sparklett’s Water Bottle machine.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Play-Christmas-Carols-All-Year-Long Ice Cream Man

In the middle of July this ice cream truck guy is rolling through your neighborhood blaring “Rudolph the Red-Rosed Reinder.”

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Mr. Classical-Music-Blaster

Mr. Classical-Music-Blaster likes to play classical music from his laptop really loud in public eating areas. He KNOWS everyone loves his music selections. He KNOWS everyone LOVES classical music, so he is doing a public service.

I’m sure this is a great hamburger, but my brain can’t process the taste because it is spending all of its time trying to block out the blaring music.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Here-Take-Your-Change-In-A-Big-Clump Parking Garage Toll Booth Guy

You give him $20 for a $5.50 parking tab. Instead of handing you the change so you can actually hold it (like maybe first the bills and then the coins), he hurriedly stuffs a huge wad of bills and coins in your left hand. You attempt to bring your right hand over to assist as coins and bills fall on the floor of your car.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. I-Must-Turn-Before-You-Walk-Through-The-Crosswalk

You are walking with the WALK sign across the intersection. This guy is coming the other way and is trying to judge if he can turn before you get in the way. As long as he doesn’t actually make contact with you, he figures he made a safe turn. He guns it through the turn, looking over and as if to say, “See, I MADE it. Take that, walker!”

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. I-Must-Creep-Behind-You-As-You-Walk-Through-The-Crosswalk

You are walking with the WALK sign across the intersection. This guy is coming the other way and needs to wait on you to walk through the crosswalk so he can proceed. Rather than sit still for 2 seconds waiting, he creeps up on you within inches, edging forward as you walk.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. So-That’s-How-It-Is!

You are walking along when this guy asks for some money. You say you don’t have any. He flies into an animated rage. “OK, I see! So, that’s how it is! You got no money! UH-HUH!

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal

Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal has filled her car’s back window deck with 20 or 30 stuffed animals. Listen, we got that you were whimsical when you chose to drive a pink Beetle. You didn’t need to drive the point home by cramming the back window with every stuffed animal you’ve had since 3rd grade.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Nag-Nag-Nag-In-Two-Languages-At-The-Same-Time Gal

It’s hard enough getting nagged in one language. Nag-Nag-Nag-In-Two-Languages-At-The-Same-Time Gal likes to turn up the heat on her boyfriend/husband in two languages, alternating one per nag. The end result is much more powerful than one language alone.


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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