The Death Watch and Topless Sunbathing

In the news…

Tikker is a watch that uses your health history to give you a countdown on how much time you have left to live. Right now, I have 12 hr:37 min.

The inventor of the selfie stick says when he introduced it in 1983 it was a flop. He was going to comment on its wild popularity now, but he was recently murdered.

Gwyneth Paltrow is divorcing Chris Martin 12 months after their “conscious uncoupling.” She said she would rather divorce than have to listen to any more Coldplay.

A Michigan woman received a multi-year jail sentence for firing a gun at a McDonald’s after her hamburger came out without bacon twice in a row. Only two days later, another woman thew a grenade into a McDonald’s because her burger was missing the pickles.

Officials of the Venice section of Los Angeles want to allow topless sunbathing. To ease resident’s fears, they say there would be no topless sunbathing allowed by minors, Scottish people or William Shatner.

A dad used a drone to follow his daughter to school to ensure her safety. His wife used the same drone to follow him to his mistress’ apartment.

Google has a new wireless service that pays you back for data you don’t use. I wish they would reimburse me for my time trying to make sense of Google+.

A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by shooting it eight times with a revolver. Amazingly, the PC turned on but still locked up when he tried to play Solitaire.

A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by unloading 8 rounds into it. Sadly, tech support finally returned his call 10 minutes later.

Microsoft is bringing back the popular game Solitaire for Windows 10. Games that didn’t make the cut include “Microsoft Office – Last Stand of a Fading Giant” and “Microsoft – The Next Altavista.”

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at
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