Am I Going To Die?

Canker sores are a family tradition. It feels like little gremlins are sticking sharp sticks in the most inconvenient crevices of your mouth.

Recently I had five at one time. That’s hell on earth.

Usually I have two water bottles next to my computer, ready for a quick drink as I work through the day. I added some hydrogen peroxide to one of them to create mouthwash I could swish around every hour or so to keep the pain down.

I hung up my headphones after a Skype call, thirsty as ever. I grabbed the water bottle and took a big long drink.

As soon as it went down, I realized I had picked up the hydrogen peroxide wash.


I had immediate visions of being poisoned, breaking out in hives, and spitting up blood.

Better call Poison Control.

Except I had turned off my computer and my smart phone was on the fritz.

Panicking, I knocked on my neighbor’s door down the hall.

“Can I borrow your cell phone? I just drank a bunch of hydrogen peroxide.”

She said, “Sure! Come on in!”

I was getting dizzy. Oh, no it’s starting. It’s probably eating my stomach!

I thought she was going to run and get the phone, but she stood there and said, “I know how you must feel. My son Franco drank some bad milk and we had to go to the school to get him. Why would a school serve bad milk?”

“Great, Sandy, uh…the phone?”

“Oh sure, here it is.”

I dialed 911 and they patched me to Poison Control.

“Hey, I just drank some hydrogen peroxide by accident. Is that going to be a problem?”

“You aren’t a veterinarian are you?”

“No, why?”

“Oh, they have an industrial strength version. Was it just the standard brown bottle you get at the drug store?”

“Yes. Am I going to die?”

“No, but expect some vomiting about ten minutes after ingestion.”

I looked at my watch. 9 minutes, 50 seconds.

I dropped the phone and ran to Sandy’s kitchen, threw open the cabinet door under the sink and grabbed the trash can.

The water and hydrogen peroxide wash made a return trip out of my body and into the trash.

And the canker sores hurt worse than ever.

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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