Middletown Ohio Initiates Laser Program To Stop Traffic Light Scofflaws

14793092013_bd6690257b_o----image courtesy boston public libarary via fc-traffic-police-ticket-motorcyle-cop-violation
Image Courtesy Boston Public Library via Flickr Commons


Middletown, Ohio recently deactivated their red light traffic cameras at intersections around the city in order to bring the town a new system.

“There’s been some confusion,” said the mayor of the town. “Some people thought our automated red light cameras were illegal. That’s not it at all. The red light cameras are legal, they’re just not very efficient. We had the same motorists breaking the same laws over and over.”

Rather than issue citations to repeat offenders, the new procedure is that the license plates of repeat offenders will be kept in a image database at the State. When the computer determines that an offender has once again made the same traffic violation, high-powered lasers will fire from the top of the traffic lights, sending a high-powered beam at the automobile.

Once the beam reaches its highest intensity, the car will be rendered useless. At the same time, the intense focus of the laser will make the driver drowsy. With the car rendered inoperable, and the driver as well, the laser will then send a message to the nearest police officer to arrest the driver and tow their car to the nearest impound lot.

“This is the safest method we came up with to deal with repeat offenders,” explained the mayor. “The laser renders both the automobile and the driver completely inoperable. We will tow the car to the nearest impound lot, and make the arrangements to sell it. The driver will be taken to the local police station, booked and given time to sleep off the effects of the laser. Once they are back to normal, we will issue them a bicycle instead of a car because clearly they cannot use an automobile like a responsible adult. For winter, the bicycles will be issued special snow tires so that people don’t have to miss work, church or family obligations due to inclement weather.”

The lasers are currently being tested throughout the Middletown, Ohio area. They will be in full operation beginning in May. There will be no opportunity for residents to voice concerns about the system at the local city Council meetings.

“We find that the people raising the biggest questions and concerns about the laser program are also the biggest suspects in terms of traffic violations,” said the mayor. “We have decided not to allow anyone to give us feedback on the system. Rather, we look forward to having the opportunity to remove these complainers and anarchists from behind the wheel, and put them on the seat of a bike where the exercise will hopefully remove some of the desire to break the law and constantly complain.”


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Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.