Parking on P5

My office building has five levels of parking- P1 is the first level on down to P5. After work the other day I punched the “down” button and waited. Several people came up and each one also punched the already lighted button. I thought, “Hey, I’m glad you pushed that again. I couldn’t tell from the BRIGHTLY LIT button if it was already pressed.”

We should set up the elevator button to administer electric shocks if you push it when it is already lit. The shocks will start out mild and will increase in intensity. If you are the fourth person to push the button when it is already lit, you will get shocked so bad your hair will stand on end and will stay that way for a week. People you will know you are the nervous-button-pushing-guy.

We piled on the elevator and everyone pushed the buttons for their floors. Every level was selected except for P5. I reached out and everybody watched while I punched P5.

Some guy piped up and said,”P5? What? Can’t get out of bed?”

My elevator partners chuckled at his obvious comedy talent. Parking on P5 tells everyone you came in last- that the whole parking garage filled up and you were stuck down on P5. No one parks on there. It is dark and dank. Skeletons lay against the walls covered in cobwebs. Bats hang from the ceiling. Some people think Jimmy Hoffa is down there stuffed in the elevator shaft. People will drive around P4 for half an hour until someone leaves just to avoid parking on P5.

I always park on P5. I need a way to make that seem cool. Since no one parks there I could just make up a whole story about life on P5. “Didn’t you know? They wash your car every day. And they have a full bar with 25 cent tequila shots every night. Yes, way! But the best part is they had so much room they turned every other parking space into hotel rooms. If you are too tired to drive home, you can sleep right there. For free. Yes, way!

If you get a spot on P1 it means you came in early. You are a go-getter. You might even have your own RESERVED spot. This is so that you can save the 15 seconds it takes to drive down to P2. You also get a cool name plate that announces to non-reserved people that you have your own spot: RESERVED FOR MR. BIG. The monthly rate for the parking spot is $12,000. The name plate costs 25 cents.

There would be more room on P1 for normal parking if they didn’t have 45 spaces for VISITORS. They are always empty. It is kind of sad. Our building is like the kid in junior high who tried to get kids to like him by throwing parties at his house but only the dorky kids showed up. Wait, that was me.

VISITOR spots are never filled up. I was at the post office near LAX last night. Thousands of people fought for a parking space while five spaces remained empty. Those spaces had official looking signs that said VISITORS ONLY. Isn’t everyone that goes to the post office just visiting? Is anyone hanging out for hours, waiting for something to happen?

“Seems a little quiet, Fred.”

“Don’t worry. The new “Sports That Didn’t Make It As Olympic Events” stamps are coming in today. Wait until people see the “Horseshoes” edition- this place will be rocking!”

(c) Copyright 1999 Joe Ditzel


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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