Screen Damage

As soon as the ball left the tee, I knew I had sliced it hard. It skyrocketed over three sand-traps and headed for a row of homes. I yelled “FORE!” out of habit even though no one seemed to be around- there never is in Palm Springs in August.

The ball smacked into a screen covering a window. It hit so hard the screen jumped off the window onto the grass like it was just electrocuted.

Suddenly an older couple appeared on the patio. They did not look happy.

“If that is as good as you can hit a golf ball, it’s back to the driving range for you,” the man yelled as I pulled up in a cart.

I apologized and asked if everyone was OK. The only injury was the poor screen. It lay on the ground like it had been shot. I didn’t see any holes. I must have hit the frame.

“It’s a good thing you stopped. We were going to call the clubhouse if you didn’t stop. This is not a good thing,” he harangued.

Yeah, it is a tragedy. That screen doesn’t look like it will make it. Better call the paramedics: “Engine 51, this is Rampart General. We have a window screen with a frame injury on the fourteenth hole at Heritage Highlands. Administer WD-40, transport as soon as possible.”

I held the screen from outside while he secured the pins inside that hold it to the window frame. He started out mad and got worse. I didn’t expect him to ask me if I wanted a beer out of the fridge. But, wait. He bought a house ON A GOLF COURSE. It might be hit with a golf ball or several dozen.

It reminds me of knuckleheads that build homes on a flood plain. The area floods every other summer. They act surprised when they are hanging out on the roof and their car is floating down Main Street.

“Well, we got a good deal on the place. The real estate agent said we may experience a little moisture. We didn’t expect to be rescued from the roof by a helicopter and sleep at the Y for two months.”

It may be that the guy that owned the house I hit didn’t even know it was on a golf course. Maybe the agent told him that all those people hitting white balls and digging up dirt behind his house were federal workers testing soil conditions.

To make sure he wasn’t on a flood plain.


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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