Slightly Crazy People at the Grocery Store

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Food shopping is fraught with danger. Just dealing with these slightly crazy people at the grocery store is a challenge:

Ms. Middle-of-the-Aisle-Cart-Dropper

Ms. Middle-of-the-Aisle-Cart-Dropper sees something interesting on the shelves. She walks away from her cart to check out the item as the cart is still rolling, so it drifts aimlessly to the middle of the aisle, forcing the throng of shoppers to squeeze between the rambling cart and the shelves. Occasionally an assertive shopper grabs the cart and shoves it violently into the baked beans display.

Ms. Produce-Flitter

No matter where you turn in the produce section, Ms. Produce-Flitter is somehow blocking your access to the carrots, bananas, and string beans. You buy the same things every time and know where to go. Ms. Produce-Flitter can’t seem to make up her mind what she wants, flitting around the produce like she’s speed dating.

Mr. Calorie-Calculator

Mr. Calorie-Calculator must use his hand calculator to estimate the calories and nutrients in every can of soup, box of cereal and carton of orange juice. It long ago stopped being a useful exercise, and now is just a nervous process he must undergo on every thing he buys, creating multiple traffic jams around the store during his four-hour shopping adventure.

Over-Dramatic Super-Loud Family

Nobody in the Over-Dramatic-Super-Loud Family speaks in a normal voice. They prefer screaming, crying, whining, threatening, shrieking, sobbing, accusing, crawling, slamming and interrupting. You can usually avoid them in the aisles, but for some reason they always get in behind you at checkout, where the kids will attempt to throw in extra items, while the parents scream at the top of their lungs for them to put the stuff back.

Ms. Supermodel Organic-Food-Muller

Ms. Supermodel Organic-Food-Muller is dressed to the nines. She spends a long time in the organic food section, evaluating every type of produce. She’s looking for the single very best banana which she deems worthy to be in her food basket.

Hairy-Buffalo-Bros

The Hairy-Buffalo-Bros are buying alcohol for their college party. They get super-excited when they find out the low prices available for some of the worst alcohol ever brewed. They high-five each other every time they add another brand of gasoline to their basket, whooping and hollering, “This is going to be epic!!!!”

Twenty-Something-Single-Shopper Gal

Single-Shopper Gal is buying a personal pizza, three oranges, a paper flower and Seventeen magazine. She doesn’t really need any of these items, but she just didn’t want to be at home after a bad breakup. She spends a long time in the store cafe, nibbling pineapple chunks while reading the copy of Seventeen which she already has at home because she has a subscription.

Mr. Downtown-Hipster

Mr. Downtown Hipster usually wouldn’t be found dead in a big grocery store. He’s usually buying kale and kumquats at the Farmer’s Market or in specialty shops. Unfortunately, he had to stop in the grocery store with the uncools because the other places are closed right now. But once he gets his Shiitake mushrooms, he’s outta here.

Ms. Premature-Conveyor-Belt-Filler

As you begin stacking your items on the conveyor belt, Ms. Premature-Conveyor-Belt-Filler is adding her things to the belt behind you, without a divider keeping her rotten onions from rolling into your bananas. You haven’t dawdled or delayed — there was no room before you started to add your items — no, she just has a nervous, ADHD need to get her stuff out of the car and onto the belt.

 


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

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