Crazy People: Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy

Dear Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy:

Thank you for revving your engine at 5am for 20 minutes outside my window. The exhaust cloud filled my place.

Sir, you don’t need to warm up your engine for more than a few seconds. It is 55 degrees at night in LA in the winter. This isn’t Canada. Thank you.

-Sleepless in Gas Fumes

Crazy Drivers: Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal sees every rush hour as a battle to the death, even if it takes them two hours to get home no matter what.

Today we were inching along…stop, go, stop, go…in rush hour traffic at 505pm on Wilshire Boulevard in LA. I stopped momentarily to let a car turn left in front of us.

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal in the car behind me leaned on the horn.

Really? That makes you mad? A car turning for one second is holding you up? Where are you going to go?

After the car turned left, we moved up…one space.

I’d Like to Donate My Car

“Yes, I’d like to donate my old car to your organization.”

“Great, what kind is it.”

“It’s a 2002 Toyota Sienna.”

“OK, how many miles.”

“235,000.”

“Ooh.”

“Ooh? What do you mean, ooh?”

“Well, that’s a lot. Does it run.”

“Yes. After you jump it and let it warm up for an hour or so. And take it on a spin around Los Angeles County to juice up the battery.”

“Spin? How far?”

“75 miles should do it. Just don’t take it on any steep hills. And avoid jarring roads. I think it needs a new front axle, suspension, tie rods and shocks.”

“OK, I’m going to have to deny this donation. Sorry. It’s too dangerous for our staff.”

Misfire in Cylinder 5

I looked at the scanner error code: Misfire in Cylinder 5. Great. The Beater with a Heater is a V-6, and one of the six cylinders was acting up.

I decided to talk to him.

“Hey, Cylinder 5, what’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re misfiring, messing up the whole engine.”

“Woah, slow down. I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now, but I’m not messing up the whole engine.”

“You aren’t? I’m getting less acceleration off the line and sluggish top end.”

“Ooooh, ‘less acceleration off the line,’ oooh. What, you are Richard Petty, now? It’s a minivan! With dents in it I might add.”

“Listen, you aren’t pulling your weight.”

“Think of it this way. You have six cylinders. I’m just one. You have five others ready to take up the slack. If we worked for a city or state road crew, you’d have one guy doing the work and five others watching. So already you are ahead.”

7 Adorable Things to Call Your Junker Car

I recently bought a junker car: a 2002 Toyota Sienna with a rear hatch that is permanently closed due to the dent in the rear right side suffered in one of many accidents it has experienced over the years.

The guy who sold it to me called it a “beater with a heater.” He said, “It’s not pretty, but it will get you there.”

Today I heard someone say their car was “rusty but trusty.”

Here then are 7 adorable things you can call your junker.

A hoopdy that hops.

A hunk of junk with spunk.

A wreck that treks.

A clunker with two bumpers.

A bucket of bolts with just enough volts.

A tin can named LuAnne.

A pile of rust that won’t bust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eerily Quiet

You can hear every vehicle.

Dump trucks: “Grrrrrrrrr.”

Motorcycles: “Vroooooom.”

Even bicycles: “Ring ring.”

You can hear vehicle in LA right before it hits you — but you hear it, so you jump out of the way.

EXCEPT THE TOYOTA PRIUS.

This is the sound you will hear before a Toyota Prius it sneaks up behind you and scares the heck out of you.

“………………………………………..”

The Prius is too quiet. Any sound will help.

How about “A-ooga! A-ooga!”

Or…

“Oo-wee-oo! Oo-wee-oo!”

Anything.

Please, Toyota, this car is way too quiet. It’s making me paranoid.

Bought A Car and Then Lost Your Job? Here is What To Do

Did you just buy a car and then find out you are getting laid off? No problem – here are 5 options you can choose from.

1. Take it back to Nordstrom. They take everything back.

2. Use the car to get a job at Uber. Use a wireless headset while working at Uber to search for a new job.

3. Melt the car down into 4 blocks of steel and rubber, sell them as modern art for $50,000 each.

4. Sell the car to your neighbor. To sweeten the deal, tell him you’ll throw in his edge-trimmer you borrowed three years ago and never returned.

5. Drive the car at high speed through the streets of the city, head out to the cliffs outside of town, shoot off the cliff at 120mph, leap from the car at the last minute, tell the insurance company it had faulty brakes.

Uber Introduces Hoopd Service

Courtesy Carol Highsmith for Library of Congress via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Carol Highsmith for Library of Congress via Flickr Commons

Uber continues to innovate, finding new ways to better serve their customers. There is Uber, Uber Black, UberX and now Uber Hoopd.

“Uber Hoopd is geared toward our customers who want a no-frills experience,” an Uber spokesperson said at a press conference today. “It is a stripped down version of our other services, and when I say stripped down, I mean you are lucky if the car has a seat for you to sit on. We believe this service will prove useful to many consumers in these challenging economic times.”

Uber Hoopd is scheduled to begin in fall of 2015.

7 Crazy Cars The Public Shunned At The Showroom

The marketplace is cruel. Sometimes things just don’t work out so well for new car models. Here are 7 crazy cars the public shunned at the showroom.

 

Ford Longfellow

Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons

Would only work with a passenger reading the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

 

Chevrolet Land/Sea

Courtesy Australian National Maritime Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Australian National Maritime Museum via Flickr Commons

The first successful underwater car, the hardtop was a hit. Sales fell off when the convertible model was released.

 

HMAC Pizza

Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons

The HMAC Pizza was a pizza delivery cannon, firing pizzas from the street through the front window of a house. In 1915, a family died when one of them inadvertently fired hubcaps at a hungry group of relatives.

 

The Olds Pup

Courtesy State Library of New South Wales via Flickr Commons
Courtesy State Library of New South Wales via Flickr Commons

A gorgeous car that should have been a hit. It failed because it was solely powered by the pull of a small dog who came with a purchase.

 

The Plymouth Emotional Baggage

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

The emotional baggage was initially popular with ex-girlfriends and mothers-in-law who appreciated the large luggage area. Beyond these two groups, it sold poorly.

 

The Buick Sea Water

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

The Buick Sea Water was a scam car that supposedly ran on sea water. Thousands of duped consumers left them at the beach when they would not run.

 

The Amtrak Railer

Courtesy National Library of Ireland via Flickr Commons
Courtesy National Library of Ireland via Flickr Commons

The Amtrak Railer was the first car by a railroad company — it was designed to run on tracks, providing a faster, better experience than the trains of the day. Sales fell to zero when reports of cars like the one shown would fly off the tracks down dirt roads, hurtling passengers miles off course.