How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.

Most New Businesses Fail — How to Make Sure Your Team Succeeds

Statistics don’t lie.

That’s not right. They lie all the time.

In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.

You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:

The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.

The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.

The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.

The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.

The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.

The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.

Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.

How to Give a Rousing Speech Like Oprah at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards

Powerful public speakers walk among us like gods, getting people to follow them with their ability to move a crowd. Oprah did just that at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards. Here is what you can learn from her skill to enhance your public speaking.

Give Away Cars

Just as she did on her TV show, Oprah gave away cars to the Golden Globes audience. Years ago, she awarded each audience member a mew Pontiac G6. This time, she gifted each audience member a Lamborghini Veneno, a car worth $4.5 million dollars. A few well-heeled Hollywood types realized they already had this car and selflessly donated their Oprah gift to lucky fans waiting outside the hall.

Use Emotion

In her speech, Oprah said over and over, “Fresh, warm doughnuts are everything right in the world!” She repeats emotional truths to drive her point home. Obviously, this pulls on our heart strings because there isn’t a person alive that doesn’t like fresh, warm doughnuts. Use this technique liberally in your speeches.

Rousing Finish

Good speakers understand speech dynamics — the art of varying the pace and pitch of speech to sustain interest. Oprah slowly increased her cadence over the entire speech, ending in a rounding crescendo of inspiration, motivation and dehydration. The audience leapt to their feet, raised Oprah above their heads and carried her triumphantly down the street to the Beverly Hills Lamborghini dealership where she handed out free oil change coupons.

Folks, Oprah is a one-of-a-kind personality, the kind of talent we only see once in a generation. You may not be Oprah, but you can borrow her public speaking techniques to help accelerate your goals and accomplishments.

3 Ways to Be Giddily Happy In Your Retirement Years

Now that you are retired, you need to change how you are doing things to be joyful and carefree. Here are three tips to stay giddily happy in retirement.

Spend More Time on Personal Relationships

I don’t mean your spouse and family. I mean the cashier at the Dunkin Donuts who never makes fun of you for ordering two dozen donuts every morning for yourself, the Uber Eats driver who brings you meals at home because you are too lazy to go to an actual restaurant for dinner, and the waitress at the local IHOP who calls you Double Slammie because you always order two Grand Slam breakfasts for lunch every day.

Maintain Your Health

Now you don’t have any excuse to work out and exercise. You can’t tell yourself, “OK, I am going to work out today!” and then blow it off for three months because you “are too busy at work.”

Have Fun

You’ve been so busy being a driven, mean curmudgeon trying to be a Master of the Universe, you forgot how to have fun. You remember fun! Remember floating down the river in inner tubes drinking watery beer? That was fun. How about the time you went down the giant slide at the water park and your swimming suit flew off half way down. Good times. You need to do more that now.

3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

5 Things Fantastic Bosses Tell Their Employees Every Day

Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:

1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.

2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)

3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.

4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.

5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

3 Ways to Be Super Successful in Your 20s

This is it – the prime of your life.

Your body is as fit as it is ever going to be.

No other decade of your life will you be able to stay out all night and put in a full day of half-assed work.

Take advantage of it. Here are 3 ways to become super successful in your 20s.

Move Faster

Mark Zuckerberg said “move fast and break dance,” or something like that. So take him at his word. When walking to meetings, pick up the pace. Show you have important things to do and people to see. And just before you reach the meeting room door, spin on your back and do a quick break dance that gets the office jumping. “Look at that girl go! She is VP material,” said a co-worker, watching a red-haired woman dance outside their budget meeting.

Budget Your Cash

Your 20s are great, but 30 will be here before you know it. You’ve got to start saving like you mean it. And I mean start saving everything. Money, car wash coins, scraps of cloth, hairpins, old baseball cards. When the 20s gravy train ends, and you are cold, alone and tired at the age of 30, you’ll have stuff you can use to survive. Somehow. “I’m going to make a boiling pot out of this oil can I used to use for my BMW,” one 30-year-old said.

Meditate

Meditation will keep you centered in the craziness of your 20s life. Think of it as a mini vacation for your mind, keeping you calm and ready for the challenges you face. “When I meditate, I like to imagine I am at business conferences. That way I can deduct the meditation off my taxes,” said an up-and-coming 20-year-old.

Mistakes to Avoid At Work If You Are Over 50

1. Taking your shoes off at 230pm, throwing your feet up on your desk, and saying loudly, “Ohhhhh! These dogs are barking!”

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

2. Constantly talking about Joe Namath and the Miracle Jets.

3. In casual conversation with coworkers, avoid confusing EDM artist names like Avicii and Skrillex with Erectile Dysfunction drugs.

4. Parking 1/2 mile away because you are too cheap to pay for monthly parking.

5. Squinting at your computer monitor because you left your trifocals on the nightstand at home.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

6. Staring out the window all morning and wondering where you are going to eat lunch.

7. Trying to be hip by mentioning you went to the AC/DC concert at Wrigley Field over the weekend, forgetting they have no idea who that is.