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Music

Itunes Pulls “It Never Rains in Southern California”

Apple Computer’s popular Itunes service has pulled Albert Hammond’s “It Never Rains in Southern California” from the on-line store. Recent thunderstorms throughout the Los Angeles area prompted the action. “At this point in time we felt it best to protect our loyal Southern California customers from this song,” Apple’s Robert Shystberg told a press conference this morning at the Beverly Hilton.

“It is difficult enough to drive on slightly wet pavement, much less listen to this melancholy song that has proven to be inaccurate and does nothing to improve our overall well-being,” L.A. resident Kyle Klopsy told reporters.

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Clothing and Style

Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store

Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”

“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.

The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.

“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”

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Sports

Real Men Play Blades

“Real men play blades”, said John Carling, Sr. as he hit balls at the Studio City Golf Range last week. “All these ‘game improvement’ clubs, hybrids, perimeter-weighting, cavity backs, all of ’em are crap. It’s just the golf industry coming up with new ways to make money. And most people fall for it. Hook, line and sinker!”

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Sports

Dual Golf Club Heads to Market

Knockin’ Down Flags golf club company made history today with the introduction of the first double blade golf club- the Dual. “The idea is that, if you miss the ball with the first blade, the second blade will make contact- it’s a first,” crowed Director of Product Development Jimbo Kent as he demonstrated the product to retail buyers today at the World Golf Expo show in Dubai. “The Dual will revolutionize the game”.

“We were inspired by the multiple blades in an average everyday razor. We feel like our dual-blade club will help the average golfer, beginning golfers and inebriated golfers,” Mr. Kent said.

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Travel and Places

Man Arrested While Walking in Los Angeles

Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.

“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”

“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”

Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.

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