How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.

Most New Businesses Fail — How to Make Sure Your Team Succeeds

Statistics don’t lie.

That’s not right. They lie all the time.

In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.

You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:

The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.

The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.

The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.

The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.

The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.

The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.

Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

4 Mentors That Every Entrepreneur Needs In Their Back Pocket

We all hear stories about people who achieved success alone, guided by their wits and cunning. Forget it. It’s a myth. Every successful person had plenty of help along the way. Here are four mentors you’ll need if you want to achieve entrepreneurial success.

Light Bulb Adviser

This mentor tells you the correct lighting you’ll need at your desk or table.

Oil Change Timing Consultant

You’ll be putting lots of miles on your car. This consultant will remind you to get the oil changed on time.

Humility Checker

Getting too cocky will kill your momentum. This advisor tells you, “You are not as good as you think you are,” or “your competitor works harder than you.”

Pants Break Expert

Is your pants break too much or not enough? Should it be a slight break or a deep break? This expert keeps your pants break up to par.

10 Job Interview Tips

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Out interviewing for the job of your dreams? You are lucky to score an interview, and you don’t want to blow it now. Here are 10 job interview tips to make sure you shine.

Candy Dish

If the interviewer has a candy dish, dump it all in your pockets and say, “Thanks. I’ll save that for later.”

Back-up

Never interview alone. Always bring a friend you can turn to and say, “We were pretty drunk that night, weren’t we?” Your friend should laugh heartily.

Bear Hug

Most job candidates don’t make an impression. Instead of a hand-shake, pick up the interviewer in a bear hug and say, “Yabba Dabba Doo, I want to work with you!”

Pre-Sell

Don’t wait for the interview itself to make an impression. Scatter business cards everywhere on the the floor of the company. The cards should show you as the position you are interviewing for.

Don’t Research

Too many applicants research a new company meticulously. This is a waste of time. A better idea is to ask the interviewer, “Can you tell me what you know about this company? And for extra points, would you work here if you were able to quit and come back with no repercussions?”

Look Casual

Most interviewers over dress for an interview. Once hired, they return to the casual crap they wear every other day of their lives. Try going to the interview in a T-shirt with cut-off sleeves and a trucker hat. It’s all about making an impression.

Sing Along

When they ask you why you want to work there, try singing your answer, loudly: “I want to work for this company because I really, really need some good heeaaaaaaaalllllllthhhhhhhhcaarrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee!”

Answer Questions With Questions

When they ask, “Where do you want to be in five years?”, answer with “Where do YOU want to be in five years?”

Leave Behinds

Always leave behind something that will make you memorable, like a giant stuffed rabbit you won at the State Fair in ’95.

Follow Up

No matter how it went, follow up with a thank-you note. Say something like, “I really enjoyed our talk. Please send me an opening offer within 24 hours as I am looking at several opportunities.”