Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address 2018

Tonight the President will give his State of the Union Address for 2018. It’s not known at this writing if he will cover these current hot topics American life in the limited time he has available.

  • The 2018 Grammy’s last Sunday night once again pretended hip hop doesn’t exist despite dominating most playlists on Spotify. It is almost as if they want to bring back the past and deny what people listen to in the present. In other news, they are working on bringing back actual Gramaphones.
  • The National Hockey League will not allow players to compete for their respective teams in the 2018 Winter Olympics. That leaves countries scrambling for players, calling upon retired players like Martin Brodeur, Sergei Gonchar and Kevin Lowe. Tylenol has put together a sponsorship tied to the retired players, providing giant bottles of the painkiller for locker rooms, team buses and behind the bench.
  • After wearing headphones for several hours, I will still feel them on my head long after removing them.
  • College athletes who attract huge amounts of money to their universities will still not get paid one thin dime. Meanwhile, coaches and athletic programs will continue to receive millions in sponsorship fees.
  • Russia will expand their infiltration of American social media platforms in an effort to grow export sales of vodka, hockey, and Russian mail-order brides.

 

 

 

Trump Has Another Protester Beat Up

pd - health - surgery - medical - injury - Image from page 118 of Illustrated lectures on ambulance work (1888) 14741610066

Donald Trump had another protester beat up today in a rally this week outside Harlingen, TX. Donald Heyhothatsmyarm was beat up by Trump security personnel and a group of supporters after he began yelling during Trump’s speech. That’s the 500th beat down of a protester in the Trump campaign.

Mr. Heyhothatsmyarm was initially quiet, but began yelling about halfway through the speech. “Donald Trump’s ideas are bankrupt!” he cried.

Mr. Trump gave his team a secret signal, and they descended on the protester with force. Pumped up Trump supporters also pulled their Conceal Carry Weapons on Mr. Heyhothatsmyarm, but were told to stand down by Trump.

The victim is listed in critical condition at Harlingen St. Mary’s Memorial Hospital. He said he is feeling better, and would do it again. His roommate in the hospital was also beat up by Trump’s staff at a different rally.

Trump’s Team Seeks New Material For Improved Hairpiece

The tough campaign trail is exacting a toll on Donald Trump. The fabled Trump hairpiece is under stress.

His team is searching for a new material to use to create a better, stronger hairpiece — one that can stand the rigors of the campaign.

The latest experiments are related to a new composite of aluminum and light plastics.

 

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

Right now the campaign staff is collecting millions of aluminum cans to create the new material.

 

 

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

Trump fans around the country are donating license plate frames and other material.

 

 

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

Can manufacturers are giving away tons of reject cans to help Mr. Trump create new, more resilient hair.

 

 

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

This frame of this house is made out of a similar composite the team hopes to use for Mr. Trump’s hair.

 

 

5 Experts Assess Donald Trump’s Chance To Win It All

 

 

These political consultants estimate Donald Trump’s chances to win the 2016 Election.

Sally the Black Swan

Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons

“Not a chance in hell.”

 

Tripper the Bison

Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons

“Wins 2 states, packs it in.”

 

Maddie the Elephant

Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons

“Dead. Dead in the water.”

 

Hester the Emu

Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons

“Will win nomination and lose to Hillary.”

 

Ernestine the Lion

Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Field Museum via Flickr Commons%

“Whaddyou kidding? He’s gonna win it all. And then get fired.”

 

7 Immediate Changes Donald Trump Will Make When Elected President

The North Portico of the White House is illuminated pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Oct. 15, 2014. (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)
The North Portico of the White House is illuminated pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Oct. 15, 2014. (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

What? You don’t think the Donald is serious about running for President? Wow, the cynicism just drips off you, doesn’t it.

Hey, the Donald has already announced some immediate changes he will make when elected President:

1. The White House will become the Trump White House and Hotel.
2. The Washington Monument will change to The Trump Monument.
3. Pennsylvania Avenue will change to Trump Avenue.
4. Air Force One will become Trump Force One.
5. The Washington Redskins will become the Washington Trumps.
6. The US Senate and House of Representatives will now be the Trump Congress.
7. Instead of “Mr. President,” he will be addressed as, “Your Trumpness.”