The pessimist starts out for an afternoon spin.
We talked to some of the biggest names in the game of golf to get their simple advice on crushing your drives. Here is what they said:
I keep my eyes closed the whole time.
Drive for show, and putt for show.
Keep your right elbow tucked in when playing soccer.
Fire the left side, hire the right side.
– Phil Mickelson
Tee the ball forward to remove some of the soup on it.
– Jordan Spieth
Start low and slow, then let it go. This I know.
– Dustin Johnson
Keep the wrists loose, like a banana peel.
– Zach Johnson
If you’ve ever driven through the Akron area, you may have a story similar to these.
We were closing up early one night because of the heavy snow. No one was coming in, so the manager let us all go. On the way home, I noticed all the roads were filled with cars. But no one was moving, and their engines were off.
Stephanie, Aerobics Instructor
I was driving by Akron U’s Polymer Science building one day when a huge rubber orb starting chasing me. It was about 4 stories tall, green and blue, and it said Goodyear on the side.
I had just come off the night shift and was driving past Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. I noticed the crash barriers in that area were all made of large wheels of ghouda and camembert.
Coming down the 77 near Cuyahoga Falls at 4am, I had a vision that in a past life I worked in the old Lawson’s dairy that started there in 1939. I was in love with the a girl who ran one of the machines — she loved to tease, always saying she wanted to pasteurize me.
Sally, Sales Manager
I was driving with one of my team back from a sales call when we saw a fireworks display near the Portage Lakes. But they weren’t going straight up. They were being launched from rival one township to another like ground missles, taking out parked cars in explosions of red, green, blue, yellow and white.
We had just left a regional architecture conference downtown in mid-December. When I walked down the street to get my car, a guy was sitting in the driver’s seat. It was my manager from the O’Neil’s Department store I worked at downtown year ago. But this guy had died in 1993.
I remember my father teaching me to drive at the parking lot of Summit Mall. He would only do so if my mother was shopping at the same time. I thought he really loved me and simply wanted his daughter to do well on her driver’s exam. I learned years later he was just tired of sitting on those little benches, waiting hours for her to come out of a store.
You have a room at a boarding house in Barstow for a mid-commute break.
You removed your spare tire and installed a 100-gallon coffee machine.
Your kids see you so little they find it hard to remember who you are. One calls you Uncle Daddy.
You’ve listened to every audiobook from Audible.com including the King James Bible. Twice.
You vote in both California and Nevada state elections.
You have so many miles on your car, it has been featured in a Quaker State commercial.
You buy so many new tires they have a statue of you in downtwon Akron.
You have full subscriptions to Pandora, Spotify and XM Radio.
When you took a two week vacation with your family, international oil prices dropped 5 cents a barrel.
It takes an hour of daily massage to get your hands out of a locked 10 and 2 position.
You give him $20 for a $5.50 parking tab. Instead of handing you the change so you can actually hold it (like maybe first the bills and then the coins), he hurriedly stuffs a huge wad of bills and coins in your left hand. You attempt to bring your right hand over to assist as coins and bills fall on the floor of your car and seat.
Los Angeles Driver Ability
You are behind Ms. Can’t-Decide-Which-Way-To-Turn as she enters an intersection. She starts to turn right, then left. Then right. Then left. Her car is weaving violently. Then she commits to turn left, well into the intersection. Out of God’s blue sky, she suddenly decides she should have turned right and does a wide turn back, as if pulling a pack of water skiers, narrowly missing a car already turning right.
He signals his turn well in advance. You slow behind him. He starts the turn. He’s turning. Turning. Still turning. Maybe there is a pedestrian in the walkway. Nope. He’s being careful. Really, really, careful. You slow to a complete stop as he ssssslllllllllllloooowwwlllllllllllyyyyyyy eases around the corner. The sun has set, children are in bed, the Letterman show has come on and Mr. Eternal Turn is almost there.
You start to merge on the freeway. I’m-Never-Moving-Over Guy is blocking your way. He could easily move over one lane to allow you to enter. But he has been in the right lane for 290 miles today and he has never moved over once. He sees it as a sign of weakness. Too bad for you. You just need to speed up like a maniac or slow down by standing on the brake to try to merge. Good luck.