Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Education

School and Education
Joe Ditzel

How To Learn A Foreign Language in 24 Hours

Many people state that they've always wanted to learn a foreign language. Perhaps they've taken classes in high school and want pick up where they left off. Or maybe they purchased some CD's to listen to in the car. Here is a way to become completely fluent in a foreign language in 24 hours.

 

1. Most people learn their own language as an infant and small child. In those days all they heard was "get down from there", "get that out of your mouth", "don't put that in Daddy's ear while he's sleeping" and so on. Your first task is to hire a native speaker in the language you want to learn.

 

2. Tell the native speaker to follow you around all day and yell at you like they would at an infant, but always in the native language.

 

3. Your brain will revert to when you were a year old.

 

4. Within hours you will begin to say words in the native language but like a little kid (or large baby). For example, you might point at the cat and say "dog." This is to be expected in this type of training.

 

5. The yelling should continue through the day. Within 24 hours you will start to form complete sentences in your new language like "I made a woopsie" and "I set the cat on fire."

 

By the end of the week you should be speaking at a 7th grade level in your new language. This is two levels higher than most people speak in their native English.

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Joe Ditzel

Class Notes

I graduated from Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. The university has an area on their web-site called Class Notes. Alumni can update their friends on what they’ve been up to since graduation. I eagerly entered my information:

Hello, fellow Bobcats! What a time I’ve had since graduation in 1983. During our graduation ceremony I was spotted by a modeling agency and whisked away for test shots in New York. I didn’t even have time to pay the $5,000 in parking tickets I had accumulated since freshman year.

Soon I was People magazine’s “World’s Most Handsome Man”, dating princesses and filling in as guest host on Entertainment Tonight Weekend Edition.

After 5 years of existing on cigarettes, I sat on the beach in Cannes and thought about my next career move. From the beach I could see a woman screaming for help as she thrashed in the surf. The lifeguard was busy ordering a baguette from a stand near the Palais de Festivals. I raced out to save her. At first she struggled. Then she realized who I was and relaxed while I dragged her to shore. I turned her on her side and 15 gallons of ocean water and 2 gallons of oil from the Exxon Valdez poured on the sand.

She turned out to be the mission director of a manned space flight to Mars. She believed I could help the mission because my high profile would be good for publicity. I trained for 1 ½ days and joined the Mars team. We landed on Mars, got out, and looked around. It looked a lot like Palm Springs. So we made arrangements to develop Mars into a planned golf community complete with houses with little garages for golf carts.

Seeking a new challenge, I had some fraternity brothers hack into the Ohio University computer and change all my grades to A’s.

Armed with a new GPA I enrolled in Harvard Medical School. We learned about the Jarvik Heart, the world’s first man made heart. Inspired by the story, I developed the Ditzel Liver. It was first tested on Ohio University seniors. However, it did not have the intended result. Equipped with brand new livers, the seniors decided to start over as freshman and party another four years.

And now, you too, can enjoy the benefits of a brand new liver. Just log on to www.ditzelliver.com and fill out the questionnaire. Your new liver will be shipped Next Day Air from our lab in my spare bedroom. You’ll get complete self-surgery instructions. In no time at all you’ll be back in the Dog Pound cheering on the Browns.

Thanks, Bobcats! See you soon!

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Joe Ditzel

Teacher Says

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

“That’s no reason! What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

“Then,” said Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

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