The holidays are over but still won’t go workout.
The holidays are over but still won’t go workout.
Pressed for time? Can’t get that workout in?
It’s hard to find time to exercise today with all the things you have to do. Yet you need to exercise to perform at the top of your game.
This 7-Minute workout is all you need to keep fit.
Wiggle your ears as fast as you fan to warm up.
Your eyes are the window to the soul. Blink your eyes as rapidly as you can, while wiggling your ears if possible.
Loosen up your core by yodeling vigorously.
Now get your legs in the act by moonwalking around the room.
Warm up your hands and arms by doing the raise the roof motion while moonwalking.
Now work on strength training by moving the furniture around the room at your spouses’ direction, only to move it back because “it doesn’t look right.”
Cool down by taking a cold pitcher of Old Style beer and dumping it on your head. You weren’t going to drink that stuff, were you?
The Conversationalists are usually two women or men who sit around on the equipment like it is a grouping of living room furniture. Rarely do they lift any weights or use the machines. Most of the time, they sit and talk about everything under the sun except the task at hand. Going to the gym is more of a social occasion than a fitness goal. The gym should go ahead and put a lounge area in the workout rooms to make it easier for The Conversationalists to relax.
Now that my various hospital stays have subsided — at least for now — I decided to join a gym. My goal is to lose the weight I gained while healing, and hopefully some more.
My gym has three long rows of elliptical machines, stair-steppers, and treadmills facing a bank of TVs on the wall. As is my habit, just like in 4th grade, I take the back row and begin observing people.
One married couple is entertaining because they work out together. They are young 30s-ish, in great shape, the kind of couple that probably met at the gym, married, had 2.5 kids and still work out together. The problem is, they are rarely apart. The hit the weight machines together, run the treadmills right next to each other, smiling at each other the whole time.
And God knows they are fit. I watched as they both ran at double my lethargic speed, like gazelles on the Serengeti, moving effortlessly. I barely work up a sweat, but it pours off their body from the hard effort they put in. The treadmills spin and churn under their fast feet, while mine moans along with my tired stride.
I try to distract myself from their physical superiority by immersing myself in the Jerry Springer show on one of the TVs. There seems to be a serious fight among the guests, and two women have pulled each other’s wigs off during a round of fisticuffs. Ten minutes later, I spy the fit couple still running at high speed. Their bodies are taught, muscles driving, sweat pouring. A lot of sweat. Their treadmills and the surrounding treadmills look like they were hosed down by the fire department.
I look again at the TV bank and settle on a show featuring a couple trying to decide from among three different houses. The first house has an exceptional wine cellar, the second has a great yard but lousy basement, and the third is historic and charming, but oh, my, it will take months to renovate the kitchen. What will they decide? They make an offer on the charming one, and I know they will soon be on another show called “Renovation Projects We Regret.”
Fit couple is sweating more than ever, the sweat rivers flowing off them, creating a small pond near their machines. Seven minutes later, the pond has become a lake. I see families of geese and ducks moving across the water, occasionally diving for fish.
As the home shopping show ends, the water has risen. My ankles are covered, but I keep walking. Some gym-goers have climbed up on the rails of their machines as the water moves ever higher. I look up to see a police helicopter flying low beneath the closing gap between ceiling and water level. A rumor spreads the police are looking for a family that tried to swim to the exit for safety, only to find they couldn’t open the door from the inside.
The water is up to my chest now. I wonder if I will get electrocuted. Fit couple keeps running, sweating, and smiling. They are holding hands now, looking into each other’s eyes across the treadmill divide. A small fishing boat pulls behind me, a man standing on the bow of the boat, casting into the area near the ab machines. I see a group of teenagers speed by in a water-ski boat near the from windows, two of them skimming the water behind taught ski lines. s
Finally, fit couple wind down their workout, their ocean of sweat filling the gym. You are supposed to wipe down a machine after using it, but I don’t think they will be able. The machines are seven or eight feet below the surface now. Might as well drain the place, hose it down with rubbing alcohol and set it on fire.
Be honest. You are jealous of super fit people. You know, the kind of person you see strutting around the gym with 2 percent body fat and an air of superiority.
Don’t worry. Super fit people have regular habits you can start using to become one of them, and start looking down with disdain at others.
1. Wake up at 330am, eat a healthy breakfast of pressurized oxygen, lentils and high-protein bugs.
2. Jog for 67 minutes to warm up, then run at high-speed for 3 hours.
3. Break for lunch to watch DVDs of vintage exercise equipment commercials.
4. Spend afternoon leaping from roof to roof of downtown buildings.
5. Eat dinner of 4 slices of smugness and 3 portions of lack of empathy.
6. Post workout photos to Facebook and Instagram.
7. 3 hours of movement and balance training consisting of running along the tops of high-speed trains.
With the new year looming, you may be considering starting a new running program to work off the food you ate over the holidays.
How far you should run depends on how much and what you consumed in November and December. Here is a quick guide:
If you ate:
15 pieces of fudge
25 potato latkes
Run 1/2 mile per day.
If you ate:
25 pieces of fudge
33 potato latkes
17 sausage rolls
Run 3/4 mile per day.
If you ate:
30 pieces of fudge
37 potato latkes
22 sausage rolls
12 mince pies
Run 1 mile per day.
If you ate:
35 pieces of fudge
43 potato latkes
37 sausage rolls
15 mince pies
21 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
Run 1.5 miles per day.
If you ate:
43 pieces of fudge
47 potato latkes
40 sausage rolls
17 mince pies
24 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
15 deep-fried chocolate cupcakes
Run 3 miles per day
If you ate:
47 pieces of fudge
54 potato latkes
43 sausage rolls
21 mince pies
25 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
19 deep-fried chocolate cupcakes
Run 5 miles per day
If you ate:
7,755 pieces of fudge
8,456 potato latkes
27,987 sausage rolls
5,278 mince pies
33,785 peanut butter jelly doughnuts
44,525 deep fried chocolate cupcakes
175,000 candy canes
300,000 gallons of egg nog
Please do not run. Call the fire department to cut a hole in the side of your house so they can lift you out with a crane and take you to the emergency room.
They tell you, “no pain, no gain.” So, like all things you do in your life, you over do it. You take perfectly good advice and ruin it.
Here are seven signs you are overdoing exercise.
Sure, you used to get up at 4:30 AM and run to the gym, but now you sleep in till 4:37 or even 4:40 AM. You may be losing your exercise mojo.
This is a classic sign of overdoing exercise. You need to sleep in until at least 4:52 AM, let your body recover and get some of that energy back. Before long you’ll be waking up at 3:46 or even 3:58 AM, crushing your old routine and getting in more exercise than ever.
You never used to think about your heart too much. You just ran and ran and swam and swam. But now, just sitting at the diner getting a glass of orange juice, your heart feels like it’s beating out of your chest.
Again, this is a classic indication you are overdoing your fitness routine. Your heart is a muscle, and like all muscles it can be over worked. One way to get the heart to slow down is to give yourself electric shocks every 10 minutes. This will tend to counterbalance the palpitations of your ventricle network, adding much-needed harmony to your cardiovascular system.
If you’re feeling sluggish and slow during your regular day, it may indicate that your fitness routine is taking over your life. You don’t need to run 18 miles every morning, 26 miles at lunch and 43 miles before you eat dinner.
You can be just as satisfied running a simple 27 miles after dinner. Your body doesn’t need to have 0.000000 body fat. No, your friends will not leave you because they noticed your cheeks getting slightly fuller.
You are sluggish and slow because your brain is telling you that you are fat. You are not fat. You are simply deluded and feel that you need to exercise every waking moment.
Running wasn’t enough, was it? Then you got a bicycle and added that to your exercise regimen. One day you drove by a swimming pool, and the next thing you know you’re signed up and joined seven swimming classes. Then of course you combined all those sports into an Ironman competition, and within four weeks you had entered 112 Ironman competitions throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Now you are considering taking up speedskating to help you get through the winter months.
You don’t need to participate in 57 sports. You’ll be perfectly fine with two or three sports at the most. Here’s a tip: if you have ever thought about getting involved in the luge, you need to cut back.
If you find yourself standing at the copier at work while you stretch, stretching during the elevator ride back down to the parking deck and stretching during sex, you are over exercising.
Stretching is key to a decent fitness routine, but overstretching is more a mental affliction than an actual physical benefit.
Exercise is supposed to help make you feel better. If you are moody and cranky, snapping at coworkers and giving short answers to loved ones, you may be exercising too much.
On the other hand, you also may be a truly mean and nasty person that no one really likes anyway.
Do you feel sick? Are you constantly sniffling, sneezing and taking all kinds of drugs just to get through the day? A healthy person doesn’t have the number of symptoms that you have. Over-exercising is breaking down your body. Your muscles, ligaments, tendons and joints are crying out for some rest.
Your body is striking against the management that is your exercise routine. Do you want a union invading your body, suddenly making new demands? No, keep out unionized labor from taking over your physical system. You need to back off your exercise routine until you can get labor under control.
If you’re experiencing any of these signs, review the role exercise plays in your life, and take steps to become healthier, happier and a better foosball player.
The Moscow subway accepts 30 squats from the rider in exchange for riding for free.
I finally realized I have no chance against my fat cells.
I run every day. I eat right. I took 2 days off due to some heavy work assignments, and I swear I gained 10 pounds.
Two days! Is there no rest? No break from fitness regimens and routines?
Finally, it came to me. My fat cells will never let me win. Never. No matter what I do, they fight back. They are an elite fat cell fighting force that does what ever it takes to win. I engage the fight by running every day. They battle back by digging in. I climb stairs for an hour. They just move to a different area of my body.
Walk-Around-Drinking-Water-Like-I’m-Really-Sweating-But-I’m-Not-Doing-Anything Guy walks all over the gym carrying his water bottle–constantly taking swigs like he’s about to pass out from his workout. The only problem: He hasn’t lifted one weight, or run two steps. His whole goal is to act like he’s working out like a madman while doing nothing.
One benefit to having a chaotic love life with a long record of failures is it gives me time to indulge my workaholism.
I hear you, Tycoon. You think I’m unlucky in love BECAUSE of my workaholism.
You might have a point, there.
The problem with working every minute of every day for months on end is it is easy to get fat. Recently I gained back 15 pounds it took me 18 months to lose. Why does it take 18 months to lose 15 pounds but you can gain it back in 2 months?
So, I sliced some time out to start running again. I like to run at night where people are. There are attractive women in Los Angeles and it helps pass the time during the incredible monotony of running.
Last night I was feeling good, running past restaurants and nightclubs. It reminded me of days past when I had a social life. Several blocks later, the din of the nightlife receded behind me and the sidewalks became dark again.
I noticed a couple coming toward me and I remember thinking that they looked famous for some reason. It’s not a stretch. There are so many famous people in LA, sometimes you see someone and think they look like somebody well known.
They were still a half-block away when I caught my foot on a chunk of the sidewalk that was sticking out. Then, I’m not sure how, my other foot caught the same chunk.
Sometimes you can catch yourself when you stumble, but not this time–both feet were clipped. Or you can try your best to stumble-roll forward. Nope. I was going straight down.
I tried to cushion the impact by stretching out my arms, and hit the ground with my hands and knees all at the same time. Sadly, the sidewalk was made up of little pebbles which acted like a cheese grater on my skin.
It happened so fast, I remember at first being shocked- WTH just happened?
Then, I put my bloody hands on the sidewalk and pushed myself to my feet and kept running.
The thing is, Tycoon, the first you thing you learn in tackle football or ice hockey at 5 years old is that if someone knocks you down, you get back up right away.
Having three brothers also teaches this one to you quickly. It doesn’t matter if your brother knocks you down with a hammer, if you can get up, you do it. Fortunately, my brothers never hit me with a hammer. Two hatchets and a screwdriver, yes.
So now I am running again, blood dripping from my hand and both knees. I know the couple has watched the whole thing.
I could just look down and run past but I look at her and say, “That one hurt!”
She has a look of horror and pity on her face.
I hear the guy say, “Are you all right?”
But I’m too far past them to answer. I’m sure he only said that to look sympathetic in front of his girlfriend. Inside he was cracking up. I would be. It was spectacular.
As I ran, a flap of skin on my palm was flapping in the night air as blood dripped on the pavement every other step. It’s funny how it didn’t feel that bad at first. That would come the next day.
Once I was home, I cleaned it up as best I could. It almost hurt as much to clean out the cuts than it did to get them. I peeled off the skin that was just hanging on and bandaged it all up.
The weird thing, Tycoon, was I kept running for 45 minutes after I fell. People gave me funny looks as I ran past, scraped up everywhere with blood dripping off.
They quickened their step and shielded the kids.