Propeller Head

Waiting in the incredibly slow line at the big box store, I passed the time by goofing with the 3-year-old sitting in the shopping cart in front of me.

I put the Lakers hat I was buying on top of the Dodgers hat already on my head. This made the kid laugh uncontrollably, especially when I spread the visors to opposite sides, like a giant propeller on my noggin’.

I paid for the hat and propped it back on the hat on my head in order to free up a hand to show the receipt to the security guy at the door. Some of these receipt checkers go through each item carefully and seem disappointed everything is accounted for. I half expect them to say, “OK, now empty your pockets.”

Others wave you through like they could care less.

I pointed at the hat (on the other hat) on my head and he eyeballed the receipt, turning it slightly askew, as if it would reveal an item I hadn’t paid for if he tilted it. Satisfied, he let me go.

I forgot about the extra hat on my head as I walked through the mall back to my car. Kids pointed and laughed. Old ladies shook their head at me, like wearing two hats violated some city ordinance. Some people laughed and commented, “Go Lakers…and Dodgers!” or just “Nice hats!” Fashionable types turned away lest we make eye contact and I asked them for money.

I’m thinking about marketing my two-hat style. Still working on the branding. What do you think of “Double coverage?”

3 Things You Are Doing That Make Your Hair Stylist Go Insane

Ladies, you rely on your hair stylist to keep you looking attractive and sharp. Then why are you making them crazy doing these dumb things?

Don’t Know What You Want

It’s funny, but they don’t teach mind reading at hairstylist school. What did you expect? Were you waiting for your stylist to place their hands on your face like Spock and do a mind meld, instantly knowing what style you want? Hey, at least give them some idea, like, “I want to look like a blend of Nicole Kidman in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and a young Katy Perry.”

Coming in Late

Here is what the stylist wants to say: “Hey, sleepy-head. Don’t have an alarm clock at your house? Gee, we waited and pushed our whole salon schedule to accommodate you, because you know we love you. But the next time you come in late without calling and expect us to just slide you into a chair we have set aside for your highness, save your breath. Keep on driving down to Supercuts.”

Back Seat Driver

Your stylist doesn’t sit in the back of your car and say you missed the exit and ask why you are driving so slow. So why do you sit in the chair and second guess every clip of the scissors? Look, you may be right. It could come out wrong and you look like Kesha waking up after a five day bender. On the other hand, you might emerge as the Paris Fashion Week catwalk-strutting supermodel you think you really are. Let them drive.

Hey, is that a Timex there?

Thing I learned today: John Mayer is a watch collector and has been a judge for this high-falutin’ competition called The Grand Prix d’Horlogerie de Genève.

Can you imagine the pressure on what you have on your wrist at that show?

“What kind of watch do you have there?”

“Oh, it’s a Timex.”

“Nice.”

“How about you?”

“Oh, this is nothing. It’s an Audemars Piguet ‘Royal Oak Concept Supersonnerie.'”

“What did that set you back?”

“It’s worth about $295,000.”

“Nice.”

The 7 Suits Every Man Needs

Every man needs these suits to be well-dressed and looking sharp. If you are missing one of these classics, snap it up as soon as possible.

 

The Emotional Armor

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This suit is perfect to deflect the crazy people in your life. Made of a special carbon/rayon/wool/cotton/nuclear fiber, it is made to withstand nagging and complaining up to 180db.

 

The Divorce Court

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OK, it didn’t work out. It happens, in California probably twice or three times. You still want to look good.

 

The Elegant Bowler

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Ever want to roll a few frames in the middle of the day? This suit has real bowling shoes, and a hat that turns into a ball carrier.

 

The Fake Opera Fan

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Eventually she will ask you to go to the opera with her. This suit has a deep coat pocket bit enough to carry an iPad you can use to log on to football games on the Internet.

 

The Varsity

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Made of triple-worsted wool, this warm suit has 4 flask pockets and a secret pocket for contraband.

 

The Pool Shark

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The key here is the cane that converts to a standard pool cue.

 

The Golf Reversible

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The jacket reverses into a golf jacket, and the pants have internal zippers just above the knee to convert them into golf shorts. Now all you need is an excuse to be out of the office for 5 hours.

5 Apps That Could Stop Plunging Apple Watch Sales

Apple Watch sales are in free fall. At first, everyone wanted one, but now sales have dropped tremendously. Don’t worry, Apple! I’ve devised 5 apps that will turn the tide and put these beauties back in the winners column.

Emotion Adjuster

If you ever start to slip into depression, the Emotion Adjuster app pops a gloved hand out of the Apple Watch and slaps you across the face.

Shoelace Tying App

Nothing is more boring and monotonous than constantly tying your shoes. The Shoelace Tying app only requires you to turn the Apple watch upside down on top of your shoes. Special arms protrude and tie your laces in milliseconds.

Dental Speed Washer

Another boring activity is brushing your teeth. Even with an electric toothbrush, it is mind-numbingly dull. The Dental Speed Washer app relieves you of the tedium by cleaning your teeth with microwaves. Simply move the watch over your closed mouth one time, and powerful microwave energy will clean and rejuvenate your teeth before you can say gingivitis.

Bug Blaster

You are sitting outside, enjoying warm summer weather with your family and friends, sipping a cold beverage as the sun slowly sets. Unfortunately, mosquitoes are attacking your party.

The Bug Blaster app creates an electrical fence around your group with the touch of a button. Mosquitoes cannot penetrate the force field, and it doubles as a sun shade in the daytime.

Net Worth Monitor

People who purchase an Apple watch are concerned about how they appear to their peer group. The Net Worth Monitor gives them a constant readout of their monetary net worth.

This gives them an internal boost of confidence that is only enhanced by the stylish Apple watch they overpaid for on their wrist.

 

 

Hottest Fashions From The Grammy Awards 2015

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Miranda Lambert looks happy in her flowing gown!

 

 

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Iggy Azalea gets “Fancy” in her aquamarine hat.

 

 

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Wow! Madonna is always taking chances!

 

 

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Katharine McPhee in a reflective moment. She’s come a long way since American Idol! Or was it The Voice?

 

 

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Gwen Stefani rocks a classic bow hat. Ready for high winds!

 

 

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Taylor Swift is taking more risks these days! Here she sports flowers and pearls in her hair with a single flower in-hand — setting trends!

 

 

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Katy Perry roars with a blazing hair doilie!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Images courtesy National Gallery of Art

Designer Creates The First Selfie Hat

A designer has teamed up with a computer manufacturer to make the first selfie hat. The hat looks a little like a mini- sombrero with a tablet in the brim that folds down like a TV screen for fast and efficient selfie taking.

I talked with the designer, Christina Cowabunga, about the hat and why the selfie is so popular.

“We came out with this hat so you can take selfies fast with out thinking about it. People love selfies and as designers we must think about how selfies can be worked into their daily lives.”

“For example, why can’t we put a selfie camera in the car so you can record embarassiing videos of you singing to your favorite songs? Why can’t we have concert selfies where you can record videos of you recording embarrassing videos of you singing the same songs at a concert. Why not a rollercoaster selfie camera that catches you on video for the entire ride, including when you threw up in the bushes next to the ride? There are so many possibilities.”

What other selfie hats are you working on?

“Coming up next we have the selfie fishing hat which also has a ruler and a place to hang lures. We have the selfie golfing hat which swivels away from the golfer so there can’t be any photo evidence of them kicking a ball out from behind a tree. And we have the selfie hockey helmet which allows hockey players to take picture of themselves as they pummel each other in hockey fights.”

Christina, what does our obsession with selfies say about us as a culture?

“It says we want all want to be a star and order little people around. And why not? Life is short. (Turns off camera). Darling, could you get me some water, and this time give it to me at exactly 55 degrees like I asked you to! One more mistake and you are out!

“Honey, do you call this fresh-squeezed orange juice? You are sqeezing my patience! I’m going to squeeze your paycheck!

“I said I wanted my shoes organized alphabetically by designer. You’ve got Yves St. Laurent before Louboutin. Don’t tell me you went to public schools. You can leave right now.”

“Listen, dear, when I asked you to walk the dogs, I didn’t mean out there on the street with all those strange people. I meant walk them around the pool until they do their business, then pick it up with your hands and dispose of it. No, we don’t have plastic bags around here. They are not safe for the environment!”

It looks like Christina is busy with some business there at her house. For me, this selfie culture has gotten way out of hand. It just shows our obsession with our own selves, and not our fellow man or woman.

Oh just a minute. (Takes selfie.)

Mr. Ditzel, Brianna Will See You Now

I walked into Discount Hair for my haircut. After they called my name, I plopped into a chair. Carla sat in the next chair, taking the last drags off her Marlboro Red, the final pull burning into the filter. Her slightly graying brown hair framed her tired face. Smoke rings filled the stagnant air. She studied me through the haze.

“How would you like your hair cut today?” she asked, stubbing the cigarette in a Hard Rock Las Vegas ashtray she apparently borrowed on her last gambling junket.

“Oh, this time I would like you to cut it in a sort of upsweeping swirl that makes my head look like an ice cream cone,” I said.

No response. She didn’t care what I said. She cut it the same way every time.

I had only two choices for a haircut in LA. Discount Hair, or the high-end Beverly Hills salon Hair International. Nothing in between. For some reason, LA has no middle class in hair salons.

She took a comb out of a clear plastic canister of what looked like blue formaldehyde. Her other hand held a water bottle. She wetted down my hair- my face and shoulders getting doused in the process. Putting down the water bottle, she grabbed a pair of scissors.

They looked like scissors you see in an office. She combed some hair down in front of my face. Without looking, she made a big swiping cut, the hair falling away en masse. Was it straight? I couldn’t tell from all the spray mist in my eyes.

In a few more whacks with the office scissors, she was done. Carla cuts hair faster than people leaving Sunday Mass at my church. She handed me a purple plastic mirror shaped like a TV screen. I held it up as she spun me around in the chair.

“I’m a new man!” I said.

She said nothing. I hoped a good wash would help straighten out the hair in back which sloped downhill from left to right about half an inch.

A few weeks later it was time for a Hair International visit. When a “Carla Cut” is brand new and short, it looks halfway OK. After it grows out, it looks like it was cut with a weed-whacker. To re-establish a decent haircut, every so often I make a trip to Hair International. I’d go there all the time if I could afford it.

Their name sounds important: Hair INTERNATIONAL. It’s better than “Hair Near West Side” or “Hair Next To Denny’s.” The word “international” lends an air of class. The Columbus, Ohio airport is called Port Columbus International Airport. Not only is it international, it is a port! The only port in America surrounded on all sides by pre-fab condos and a golf course.

The receptionist checked me in and asked me if I wanted a latte or cappuccino. I declined and sat on the leather couch in the foyer, taking in the art on the walls- a catalog of the hottest young artists in town- Huertas, Meadows, Owens. I was glad none of it was covered in cow dung.

“Mr. Ditzel, Brianna will see you now,” the receptionist said into a microphone on her desk, the announcement booming over the techno music filling the room. I looked up from my perch four feet away and nodded my head.

She handed me a nylon robe and gestured toward a dressing room, which was actually a closet with some cleaning supplies on the upper shelf. I doffed my blue button-down shirt and put on the robe. There is no fabric more uncomfortable against your skin than nylon.

As I opened the door, I looked for Brianna. Standing there instead was a tall, goth-looking woman wearing nothing but black. Everyone in the place was wearing black. Her face was pale with Alice Cooper eye make-up. She gestured to a line of sinks. Speaking slowly in a haunting tone she said, “Hello, I’m Karma. I’ll be your hair-washer today. Please sit.”

Her hair cascaded over my head as she worked. It smelled like clove cigarettes. Her beaded necklace bumped against my chin as she lathered me up. After a thorough sudsing, she began to rinse. Suddenly she decided to add more hot water to the mix.

“Yeeeoowwww,” I yelled.

“Too hot?” she asked.

No, I boil my hair every day. I prefer it al dente.

She toweled off my head as I sat up. As the searing pain left my scalp, I focused my eyes. There stood Brianna. Shimmering shoulder length blonde hair, black shoes, black capri pants, a white top with black tiger stripes.

Native Southern Californian. Natural blonde. No elective surgery. Rare.

After graduating from UCLA with an accounting degree, she decided she was more of a “people person”, and began her career in the hair styling industry. Ernst and Young’s loss is our gain.

“Where the hell have you been?” she demanded loudly, trying to be heard over Nine Inch Nails.

I couldn’t admit I was seeing Carla at Discount Hair.

“Gosh, I’m on the road so much, I’ve been getting my hair cut in airports. Terrible. I need you to bring it back to life,” I lied, sliding into the chair. I detected the slight scent of her Dolce and Gabbana perfume, masked by the room’s dominant smell of Paul Mitchell Awapuhi shampoo.

She took my hair between two fingers of one hand, cutting the excess with razor sharp scissors. She worked intently, with little small talk. I relaxed and started to drift off.

“There you go,” she said sweetly, snapping me back to reality. How long have I been sitting here? I looked in the mirror. She had shaped it perfectly, parting it at the exact spot that minimized my male pattern baldness.

“Perfect,” I said.

$100 plus a $30 tip. $130 for a decent haircut?

Carla!

Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store

Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”

“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.

The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.

“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”