This is the Year I Lose Weight and Other Fantasies

After yo-yoing from 180 pounds to 237 pounds and points between for several years, I’ve resolved to make 2018 the year I finally get back to a healthy weight.

Hahahahahaha. Ahem.

Every year the most popular resolution is to lose weight, making up a third of all New Year’s resolutions. Yet chances are good my weight loss resolution will fail soon. Just over 20 percent of resolutions fail within a week, 40 percent after 30 days, and 50 percent after 90 days.

Still, I’m going to give it my best shot. Here are three ways I’m going to fight to lose weight this year.

Bury Food in the Forest

The problem with our society is food is too readily available. By burying all my food in the forest, I’ll think twice before going to get a snack. Gee, I’d like to eat some potato chips during the football game, but it will take me 20 minutes to hike outside, half an hour to dig up the food, and another 20 to hike back, and I’ll still forget the dip.

Junk Food Everywhere

Trying to eat healthy food that can help you lose weight is hard because healthy food is scarce while junk food is everywhere. To combat this problem for 2018, I’m considering only eating fresh bananas I can carry on my head under my golf hat.

Ex-Girlfriend Photo Hat Extension

Losing weight is easier when you add revenge to your motivation. Several of my exes left me because I was “too fat.” I built an extension ring I wear on my head that allows me to see their photos all day. Every time I’m about to eat a bag of chips, I see their condescending faces. So far it seems to work, although I noticed something weird: Many girls I date look a lot like my mom. Should I be concerned?

Vibrating at a Higher Level

“When you eat right, kids, you vibrate at a higher level.”

I like clicking on random Facebook Live videos coming over my feed. I clicked on one featuring a diet specialist. I need help here, so I’m open to new information.

“It’s true, folks, your body vibrates at a higher level when you eat right.”

My body vibrates? At a higher level?

How does that work? What if I am at the movies, and the people behind me say, “Excuse me, sir, your body is vibrating too much, could you turn it down? We can’t see the screen.”

What if I get pulled over by a police officer and she says, “Sir, your body is vibrating. Please step out of the car.”

What if I am applying for a job, and the interviewer says, “You look like a good fit, but your vibrating will freak out our clients.”

I need to lose weight, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my body vibrating all over town.

Facebook Removes “Feeling Fat” Status

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Facebook recently removed the “feeling fat” status from their platform. For those unaware, the status was one selection of several available from a pull-down menu. Some people said this status was a form of fat-shaming.

Frankly, I’m glad it’s gone. That means there is now room for some new status updates I would actually use.

Feeling Like I Want To Jump Up and Get My Own Coffee

I’ll use this when the waitress blows me off when I want some more coffee, despite trying to wave her down with orange road signs.

Feeling Like I Don’t Want To Take Any More Fiber Supplements

Is it really necessary to take a separate pill to make sure you get enough fiber?

Feeling Like I Shouldn’t Be Eating Peanut Butter Out of A Jar

Peanut butter is one of life’s joys. But I really shouldn’t eat it out of the jar with a spoon.

Feeling Like You Should Quit Texting and Actually Call Me

For the love of all that is good and holy: Quit texting me. Just call. Or even better send me an email I can read at my leisure.

Feeling Like You Should Pick Up Your Dog’s Doo-doo

Dear downtown resident and dog-owner. We don’t live in the country, and we all have to use these sidewalks. Can you grab a plastic bag on your way out the door with Fido next time and actually pick up their doo-doo? That way I don’t have to be on alert like a Marine checking for land mines.

Feeling Like You Should Pick Up The Pace When Walking in the Crosswalk in Front Of Me

Hey, I do plenty of walking so I know the hassles you are going through. But surely you can pick up the pace when cars are waiting for you to cross at the crosswalk? Drop the laid-back saunter and put a little pep in your step.

Elite Fat Cell Fighting Force

I finally realized I have no chance against my fat cells.

I run every day. I eat right. I took 2 days off due to some heavy work assignments, and I swear I gained 10 pounds.

Two days! Is there no rest? No break from fitness regimens and routines?

Finally, it came to me. My fat cells will never let me win. Never. No matter what I do, they fight back. They are an elite fat cell fighting force that does what ever it takes to win. I engage the fight by running every day. They battle back by digging in. I climb stairs for an hour. They just move to a different area of my body.

36 to 42

Wendy’s waffle fries
Wilshire Cafe burritos
Domino’s pizza
Those big bags of Fritos

You don’t have to be a fab five guy
To see that it’s true
My waistline went
From 36 to 42

36 to 42
I’m bigger by the day
36 to 42
No’s something I can’t say
36 to 42
I’ve got a bigger seat
36 to 42
Soon I won’t see my feet

Krispy Kreme donuts
Jumbo Jack with cheese
Chocolate cake at Joe’s in Venice
With ice cream please

Stuffing so much sushi
At Matsahisa I can’t move
Chili dogs at Pink’s
When we’re in a late night groove

36 to 42
I’m bigger by the day
36 to 42
No’s something I can’t say
36 to 42
I’ve got a bigger seat
36 to 42
Soon I won’t see my feet

Ice cream sandwiches
On sale at Ralph’s today
Marix chips and salsa
Send a basket my way

Too many beers
On the course at Griffith Park
Five hot dogs later
All diet hopes turn dark

36 to 42
I’m bigger by the day
36 to 42
No’s something I can’t say
36 to 42
I’ve got a bigger seat
36 to 42
Soon I won’t see my feet

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© 2000 Joe Ditzel and Ditzelize Music