Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address 2018

Tonight the President will give his State of the Union Address for 2018. It’s not known at this writing if he will cover these current hot topics American life in the limited time he has available.

  • The 2018 Grammy’s last Sunday night once again pretended hip hop doesn’t exist despite dominating most playlists on Spotify. It is almost as if they want to bring back the past and deny what people listen to in the present. In other news, they are working on bringing back actual Gramaphones.
  • The National Hockey League will not allow players to compete for their respective teams in the 2018 Winter Olympics. That leaves countries scrambling for players, calling upon retired players like Martin Brodeur, Sergei Gonchar and Kevin Lowe. Tylenol has put together a sponsorship tied to the retired players, providing giant bottles of the painkiller for locker rooms, team buses and behind the bench.
  • After wearing headphones for several hours, I will still feel them on my head long after removing them.
  • College athletes who attract huge amounts of money to their universities will still not get paid one thin dime. Meanwhile, coaches and athletic programs will continue to receive millions in sponsorship fees.
  • Russia will expand their infiltration of American social media platforms in an effort to grow export sales of vodka, hockey, and Russian mail-order brides.

 

 

 

Critical Offices That Will Stay Open During the 2018 Government Shutdown

The FBI, Post Office and air traffic controllers will all continue to work during the government shutdown. Some of the other important offices that will work through the crisis include the following.

Office of The President’s Weight Obfuscation

It’s vital the public think of the President as slim and trim. These professional public relations pros make sure the President’s height and weight are reported accurately at 6 foot-7 inches and 175 pounds. Reporters questioning these stats are put to work in the Post Office shredding unopened, undelivered letters to Santa.

Office of Foreign Country Assessment

This department ranks each country in the world, then labels them as a S-hole or not a S-hole. The list is updated daily and given to the President to review while eating his morning cheeseburger.

Office to Cut Bloated Regulations

To continue the administration’s gains in cutting regulations that are strangling the country’s growth, this office will announce the easing of food safety controls related to milk and milk products. Milk will be allowed to be sold up to 6 months on the shelf at your local supermarket, as long as after 1 week it is relabeled as carburetor cleaner.

Border Control Checkpoints at the Local Mall

They can’t even get border control right.

Did you know we have more than 70 interior border control checkpoints, located anywhere from 25 to 75 miles inside the country?

Let me restate that. These…border…checkpoints are up to 75 miles INSIDE the country.

Do they not have Google Maps?

“Are you an American citizen?”

That’s what they ask.

I mess with them: “I’m half American, half Irish. My mom was a God-fearing American and my dad was a leprechaun. Horrible father but he did make a great breakfast cereal.”

Why stop at 75? How about 200 miles? Why not 300 miles? Why not have them all over the country?

In shopping malls.

In gas stations: “There’s your change and I need to know if you are an American citizen.”

At the theater: “Here’s your Diet Coke and Twizzlers, and one last thing — are you an American citizen?”

“I refuse to answer your question!” you say.

“Sir, pull over into secondary, right over there by the popcorn machine.”