The holidays are over but still won’t go workout.
The holidays are over but still won’t go workout.
Like many people at the gym, Mr. My-Headphones-Are-Bigger-Than-My-Head is into listening to music while working out. To get the best sound, he uses only the best headphones possible. And to duplicate the live concert experience, he likes to use giant headphones that spread out from his head like moons on a planet that never escaped gravity enough to go fully into their own orbit.
I’m sick. My doctor says to rest and drink plenty of fluids. Sounds good, doc, and I’m sure I could get hours of restful sleep if I wasn’t sick.
As it is, I can’t get any sleep at all because every muscle, bone, ligament and sinew in my body aches with the flu.
Sure, I lay there, reading my phone, hoping the sweet lull of sleep comes to call. But the siren song is interrupted.
Just as I am drifting off, I feel a convulsion in my chest, and begin dry coughing for five minutes.
I give it another attempt, and then feel a sharp pain in my lower back because I’ve been sleeping in the same position trying to fall asleep for the last 17 hours.
Oh, restful sleep, where art thou?
I attempt to watch some TV to induce sleep, only to suffer through migraine headaches caused by daytime TV and C-SPAN.
If you can’t fall asleep to C-SPAN, you have very little hope.
Perhaps if I flipped over onto my stomach, sleep would come easier.
I turned over onto my stomach only to realize my face was buried in the pillow and I couldn’t breathe.
I scrunched up the pillow so that my chin was propped up and there was a space below my mouth for breathing.
Shortly the base of my neck began to cry out in pain as it locked up.
I turned back around to sleep on my back, wheezing into the night, thinking of the restful sleep that I was not getting.
Maybe I just need to watch a movie on my Amazon prime account. Okay, good news, here’s “Mulholland Drive,” which I’ve been meaning to see for years.
Oops, it’s not included in my Amazon prime account, but I can rent or purchase it for a reasonable fee.
The last thing I need is being sick to cost me even more money than it has. Have you seen the cost of drugs?
And I never know the right combination of drugs to buy.
Should I get a decongestant and a cold medicine? Should I purchase a multivitamin, or load up on B 10? The debate is giving me a bigger headache.
It’s 3 AM now, the TV is on but I can barely hear it due to the swelling in my ears. I’ve propped up various pillows under different body parts in order to relieve the bedsores.
My breathing is labored, coming in gasps and spurts, as I fight through a combination of head cold, flu and irritable bowel syndrome.
I’d like to help you out doc and follow your prescription for rest.
But my body fights with everything it’s got in order to keep from sleeping. I think my body is afraid that if it goes to sleep to help me out, it may never wake again.
For now, I’ll give you a reasonable sum to knock me unconscious with a rubber mallet.
Here’s one way I entertain myself while riding my bike. As I ride uphill past pedestrians or other cyclists, I look at them with crazy eyes and say loudly in a hoarse voice, “I’m not going to make it!”
Here is the breakdown of the most common four responses:
1. Keep staring straight ahead and hope I don’t talk to them anymore (35 percent).
2. Look of horror like I really am crying out for help (15 percent).
3. Laughter and giggling, sometimes followed by “You’re right” or “I don’t think you will!” (30 percent)
4. Suddenly they turn into Olympics coaches and start yelling “You CAN make it!” or “YOU GOT THIS!” (20 percent).
Today one old-timer about my age said, “If I can make it, YOU can make it.”
Forget Dad Bod.
I’ve seen some people who keep smoking no matter what, but this guy never gives up.
Science has made it clear: sitting is killing you. Even if you exercise regularly, it does not come close to balancing the damage you are doing by sitting all day at a computer or watching TV.
On top of that, most of us sit wrong. Are you making these posture errors while sitting?
Take inventory of your sitting habits, and make changes where needed. It will prolong your life.
Bananas are good for you. But like everything else, you take it too far. Back off the bananas, son. Note these warning signs you are eating too many bananas.
1. You drop a backhoe load of bananas into your kitchen every day through a hole in the roof of your kitchen.
2. Your skin is starting to peel from the top of your head like a banana.
3. Your bed is made of piles of bananas. You call it your “Banana-Comfort” bed.
4. You try to pay for beer and cigarettes with bananas.
5. When you got married, your tux was banana yellow.
6. Your car is a giant banana.
7. You named your two dogs Banana and Peel.
Come one, dude. Quit wearing this crazy stuff to the gym.
Seriously? What, because your feet are cold? Stop it.
You’re trying to add difficulty to the treadmill? Get over yourself.
OK, we get it. You run so fast you need goggles. Enough.
When you wrapped two rolls of athletic tape on your hands, we laughed. When you wrapped it around your head, we called for a psych visit.
Right, you are so laid-back, you wear Crocs to the gym? No, it means you have no self-awareness, Chad.
They tell you, “no pain, no gain.” So, like all things you do in your life, you over do it. You take perfectly good advice and ruin it.
Here are seven signs you are overdoing exercise.
Sure, you used to get up at 4:30 AM and run to the gym, but now you sleep in till 4:37 or even 4:40 AM. You may be losing your exercise mojo.
This is a classic sign of overdoing exercise. You need to sleep in until at least 4:52 AM, let your body recover and get some of that energy back. Before long you’ll be waking up at 3:46 or even 3:58 AM, crushing your old routine and getting in more exercise than ever.
You never used to think about your heart too much. You just ran and ran and swam and swam. But now, just sitting at the diner getting a glass of orange juice, your heart feels like it’s beating out of your chest.
Again, this is a classic indication you are overdoing your fitness routine. Your heart is a muscle, and like all muscles it can be over worked. One way to get the heart to slow down is to give yourself electric shocks every 10 minutes. This will tend to counterbalance the palpitations of your ventricle network, adding much-needed harmony to your cardiovascular system.
If you’re feeling sluggish and slow during your regular day, it may indicate that your fitness routine is taking over your life. You don’t need to run 18 miles every morning, 26 miles at lunch and 43 miles before you eat dinner.
You can be just as satisfied running a simple 27 miles after dinner. Your body doesn’t need to have 0.000000 body fat. No, your friends will not leave you because they noticed your cheeks getting slightly fuller.
You are sluggish and slow because your brain is telling you that you are fat. You are not fat. You are simply deluded and feel that you need to exercise every waking moment.
Running wasn’t enough, was it? Then you got a bicycle and added that to your exercise regimen. One day you drove by a swimming pool, and the next thing you know you’re signed up and joined seven swimming classes. Then of course you combined all those sports into an Ironman competition, and within four weeks you had entered 112 Ironman competitions throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Now you are considering taking up speedskating to help you get through the winter months.
You don’t need to participate in 57 sports. You’ll be perfectly fine with two or three sports at the most. Here’s a tip: if you have ever thought about getting involved in the luge, you need to cut back.
If you find yourself standing at the copier at work while you stretch, stretching during the elevator ride back down to the parking deck and stretching during sex, you are over exercising.
Stretching is key to a decent fitness routine, but overstretching is more a mental affliction than an actual physical benefit.
Exercise is supposed to help make you feel better. If you are moody and cranky, snapping at coworkers and giving short answers to loved ones, you may be exercising too much.
On the other hand, you also may be a truly mean and nasty person that no one really likes anyway.
Do you feel sick? Are you constantly sniffling, sneezing and taking all kinds of drugs just to get through the day? A healthy person doesn’t have the number of symptoms that you have. Over-exercising is breaking down your body. Your muscles, ligaments, tendons and joints are crying out for some rest.
Your body is striking against the management that is your exercise routine. Do you want a union invading your body, suddenly making new demands? No, keep out unionized labor from taking over your physical system. You need to back off your exercise routine until you can get labor under control.
If you’re experiencing any of these signs, review the role exercise plays in your life, and take steps to become healthier, happier and a better foosball player.
We’ve all done it.
You are going about your business, driving down the road when you inadvertently swallow a bug. Yeeeeeeee!
Or maybe you comb your hair and a rogue hair floats through the air and lands on your tongue.
Right away you make that spitting sound as you try to move the hair to the front of your mouth with your teeth to get rid of it. “Spllllt! Splutt!”
But you lose the battle and swallow it. Yucko.
So don’t judge these people too harshly. Here are four unlucky souls who somehow swallowed some amazing objects.
Callaway Golf 9-iron.
Sylvania 19-inch color TV.
Restoration Hardware brass lamp.
Coiled pnuemantic drill hose.
Images via CDC Public Health Image Library