Proceed At Your Own Risk

When I lived in Des Moines, Iowa during high school, there was a bridge over the Raccoon River at 63rd street that consisted of a series of wooden planks.

That’s it.

Oh, and a sign that said “Proceed Over Bridge At Your Own Risk.”

That bridge would never exist today.

Or if it did, the sign would say, “Proceed Over Bridge At Our Attorney’s Risk.”

Married Couple Forget Their Elementary Schools

Courtesy US National Archives
Courtesy US National Archives

A local married couple recently forgot what elementary schools they attended. In a discussion on what schools they attended over the years, both were accurate in reporting the name of their middle and high schools.

Things broke down when they mentioned their elementary schools.

“I went to Carver. I remember because they knocked it down four years after I left,” she said.

“You didn’t go to Carver. You went to Hudson like the rest of us,” he said. “You just acted like you were too good for the rest of us, even at 9 years old.”

“You DID NOT go to Hudson. That’s where the juvy kids went. You went to Lincoln! Don’t you remember they called your parents who had to come and get you when you had an accident?”

“What are you talking about? I never had an accident.”

Ouch! One More Stitch and That Should Do It

When I was in high school hockey, I was backchecking an opponent as he skated toward our goal. I was tapping on his skates and legs, trying to get to his stick and get the puck loose. He suddenly wound up for a slapshot and the blade of his stick almost took my eye out.

All I got was a scar and a story. Michael Del Zotto of the Flyers has a much better scar and story after he took a skate cut in the neck on NYE. Fair warning: It’s graphic.

Crazy Golfers: Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody

“I was All-State my junior and senior year in high school,” Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody tells you. He definitely has skills- you can see it in his swing- but he reminds you every 3 holes. “I actually beat Tiger Woods once when we were 9-year-olds. I was going to the show- until I broke my thumb senior year at Oklahoma State. Was never the same after that.”

The Attitude

Mike Damone: I mean don’t just walk in. You move across the room. And you don’t talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That’s what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.

Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.

Mike Damone: That’s the idea, Rat. That’s the attitude.

Mark Ratner: The attitude?

Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don’t care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin’. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

-Fast Times at Ridgemont High